Long distance relationship problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Long distance relationship problem
46
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 2:28pm

My boy friend and I have been in a long distance relationship for a few months. I had been noticing recently that he was becoming more and more irritated and short tempered during our phone conversations. Now he admits to being very horny and has aked my permission to sleep with a friend (refused to reveal her identity). He insists that she is only a friend and he will be upfront with her that this is only sex and no more. He says he won't do anything if I say no, but it's getting really hard for him to go without sex.

I have tried to give the matter fair consideration. I am going without sex too and I have no plans to screw anyone while Im in a relationship with him. How do you propose I should respond to his request. Is it harder for men to go without sex compared to women? Would I be unfair to him if I said no? Its hard to say yes because I do love him and I cant imagine him with another woman. Would he ask me something like this if he loved me?

The fact that we don't expect to be together for at least one year more (due to various reasons) doesn't help the situation much. Can there be any other solution to this problem? Thanks in advance for any advice you can give.




Edited 11/17/2005 2:39 pm ET by java482
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 3:16pm
I think most of you agree that I should say no to him for sleeping around. The trouble is he may still go and do it and I can keep wondering if he did or not. But he insists that he won't and I want to trust him. I want this relationship to go on but that will be impossible if we have trust issues considering its a LDR. Should I give him the benefit of the doubt and hope that he will abstain if I say no? The other option is to end this but it will hurt too much at this point in time. I guess Im just desperately trying to make this work and the odds seem to be against me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 3:20pm
Well yes, to an extent its a religious thing. He is not very religious, but he plans to be in a temporary marriage (somehting that our religion allows) with the woman he wants to bed. So while sleeping with this woman will become ok in religious terms, masturbation cannot be allowed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 3:23pm

Java,

My problem is that he asked you for permission, you said no, and he's STILL pushing the issue and trying to sell it to you. That is very disrespectful, no matter WHAT the topic. Given it's this topic, I have to wonder if he already HAS slept with her and he's trying to get you to agree because if you do, then he didn't do anything wrong. And is there a reason why he can't come to visit you at some point? What circumstances make it impossible for the two of you to not see each other for a year and a half? Is one of you in the military? But even then you get 2-4 weeks at home.....

Tell him that you said no and you won't talk about it anymore. If he insists on continuing to ask about it, you will know that sex (period) for him is more important than you are.

Jen

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 3:28pm

What would hurt more, ending it, or never knowing if he's telling you the truth? Dealing with things like wondering where he is when you call and he doesn't answer?

You can TRY...but given what he's told you about how he feels about his need for sex, I think he'll figure out a way to justify his actions to himself, and you'll be on edge throughout the whole time you are apart.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 3:28pm

He's willing to marry someone to be able to have sex with them while waiting to see you again? WTH? That makes NO sense to me.

OKay, my religious beliefs are that "self love" is not kosher (no, I'm not Jewish. The word just fit well.) BUT, marrying JUST to be able to have sex is also NOT kosher. Hello, does intent not mean anything?

And if that's the case, and you two HAVE slept together, does that mean you two were in a temporary marriage? And what does that mean for what you have now? If he came to visit would you have to get another temp marraige? And WHAT is a temporary marriage?!?!

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 3:34pm

No, he just discussed his problem with me and I said I'll give him an answer, but I haven't answered him yet. So it's not like he is pushing it after I've said no. Infact, he said that if i chose to say no he will never bring up the subject again.

As for not being able to meet, we live in two different countries, and get vacations from work only once a year. So the next time we meet will be after six months at least.

But I do need to find if sex is more imp than me. It doenst seem to be so but did he agree to be in this relaitonship simply becuase he found me sexually attractive. I have started wondering. Maybe this recent discusssion has made me paranoid.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 3:41pm

No we havent slept together and we havent been in a marriage until now. But he has suggested on occasions that the next time we meet we should have a temporary marriage (yes, for the sole purpose of having sex) because i refuse to have extra marital sex. And while I was still considering that idea, he brings up the subject of being in a marriage right away becuase he cant control his sexual desire.

As for what is a temporary marriage, well its just what the name signifies. Its for a certain preordained period of time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 3:46pm
I have to admit that you have voiced my worst fears. But I will still wait it out and see how he reacts to me saying no. As someone else pointed out, if he still tries to sell me the idea altho he reassured me that he won't, then there is obviously something very wrong there and I'll have to seriously consider ending the relationship. On the other hand, he may not push the subject but just go and do it, but Ill just wait a little and see how thing turn out. I guess Im just not ready to let go yet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 3:50pm

>>And WHAT is a temporary marriage?!?!<<

I don't know if the OP and her partner are Muslims, but some believe that Islam endorses temporary marriage. (There is arguement in the ranks as to whether or not it's truly permissable under Islam law)

I've pulled up a couple of references for you, but if you Google the term, you will get loads of hits.

http://www.ahya.org/amm/modules.php?name=Sections&op=viewarticle&artid=74
http://members.ozemail.com.au/~azma/QuestionsonMuta.htm
http://www.iol.ie/~afifi/BICNews/Personal/personal22.htm

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 3:56pm
Yes, you are on the right track. The real term for this type of marraige is mutah. He wants to do a mutah while we are away from each other. One of his biggest arguments is that he wont be doing something religiously wrong. Oh well, since we are Muslims he wont be doing anything religiously wrong if he deicded to marry a second time after we married, but that doesnt mean I will be okay with it. The problem is since he is justifying it on a religious basis I hope he doesnt do it inspite of my refusal. Just depends on how much my opinion means to him.