Long distance relationship problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Long distance relationship problem
46
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 2:28pm

My boy friend and I have been in a long distance relationship for a few months. I had been noticing recently that he was becoming more and more irritated and short tempered during our phone conversations. Now he admits to being very horny and has aked my permission to sleep with a friend (refused to reveal her identity). He insists that she is only a friend and he will be upfront with her that this is only sex and no more. He says he won't do anything if I say no, but it's getting really hard for him to go without sex.

I have tried to give the matter fair consideration. I am going without sex too and I have no plans to screw anyone while Im in a relationship with him. How do you propose I should respond to his request. Is it harder for men to go without sex compared to women? Would I be unfair to him if I said no? Its hard to say yes because I do love him and I cant imagine him with another woman. Would he ask me something like this if he loved me?

The fact that we don't expect to be together for at least one year more (due to various reasons) doesn't help the situation much. Can there be any other solution to this problem? Thanks in advance for any advice you can give.




Edited 11/17/2005 2:39 pm ET by java482
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 12:42am

So you accept that going without sex is harder for men and therefore it's okay that they go ahead and have sex with whomever's available when they want it? Are you saying you actually believe what he tells you about "most men"?


I'm not saying men's sex drive tends to be stronger than a woman -- let me reword that to say men get revved up faster than a woman. But I don't believe most men can't wait and I don't believe most men fool around and don't get caught. I do believe it's possible your boyfriend thinks so and/or he says so in order to keep his sexual episodes on a level that'a justifiable to him. But to make the statements he's making IMO he either lives in a world that's all about him or he thinks he can buffalo you into believing it. Your opinion of the men in the world to go without and survive without finding a woman to "relieve" themselves with can't be that low, can it? Your dad, your uncles, your friend's dads? They all fool around on their wives? And none of them get caught? If that were so, would you think that was okay? Let me ask you this, if it's so common for men to fool around, why do men complain that they don't get enough sex at home? If they just go out and get it elsewhere so darned often and easy, they'd have no reason to complain. And why aren't we catching all these guys who are out fooling around? Is there a trap door to inner earth where we don't see them?


If it's been asked and answered already, I missed it and I apologize. How old is your boyfriend? How old are you?







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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 12:46am

"Even tho our religion allows polygamy I wont want a husband who seriously propogates it, becuase that makes the future of my marraige very insecure. " Then what more is there to say? He wants sex with other women, you aren't interested in a relationship like that. The wants, needs and expectations of each of you aren't compatible with the other's wants, needs and expectations. A long-term relationship with this guy would not make for a happy, satisfied or secure life for you.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

my signature exchange partner:








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 1:10am

I wonder if you could clear up a bit of confusion for me. In your first post when you said your name was Alex, I thought "guy", then you said your *boyfriend* hadn't fooled around and I thought, "Alexandria? ... gay?" then you said your boyfriend hadn't fooled around with a *woman* and I thought, "okay, not gay." But in her response to you, when Java thanked you for providing the male perspective and you didn't correct her.

It doesn't matter to me which sex you are or sexal orientation you are, but it does matter if I'm taking your response to be a guy's perspective rather than a girl explaining a guy's wiring., you know!?

TIA and hope I didn't offend you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 1:19am

I just think like a lot of other people, it comes down to expectations in a partnership and yours do not match at all. I kind of feel like you're thinking that because you're in a LDR and are going to be apart for so long it's a more valid problem, or that it wouldn't have been an issue in your relationship if the distance between you hadn't provoked it. If that's true, I don't agree. The problem is not the distance or time apart, it's your beliefs and standards and even if you'd never had this time apart, this difference would have shown itself in one way or another in your relationship. I know it's causing you a lot of pain, but in the long run, I think finding this out is a blessing in disguise. Now you know he doesn't hold the same values that you do, end of story.

At first I was going to suggest breaking up for the year so you could both be free to see others without violating your relationship, but in reading the extent of your problem, that won't make a difference, he's full on working on getting you to buy that guy's have needs that must be attended to. It's not a new line. It just means he's not willing to use self control, permission to fool around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 8:16am

Something you need to consider, or should depemding on your religious beliefs and all, if you do have a temporary marriage next time he visits and then something happems to your relationship (you break up or something), what would that mean for you? It may not mean anything, I just wanted to throw it out there as a think about option.

While I can't give you the man's perspective,I can give you examples from my marriage. We've been married 9 years. We have 4 children so we've had a couple of times where sex wasn't plausible. And even when it was plausible it wasn't something I had time or energy for. (Gotta love nursing newborns.) There has also been times where we have been separated for decent lengths of time. Not once has my DH asked if he could be with someone else. There have been times where he has said that he'd REALLY like sex. There have been times not having sex has made him moody. But never has he had to have sex. Never is it a need so great that he's gone outside our relationship for it. I know he was a virgin too when we got married, so I know he lived a life with no sex involved. And while it may have been difficult, he accomplished it and it didn't scar him or affect him detrimentally.

Men are easier to revv up than women. But men can control it just as easy as women. I worry that he says he "doesn't want to cheat or lie" to you. I would rather hear, "I wouldn't even think of it." Or that he does think that this is how men are. It would make it easy to justify slipping. If men are wired this way, then he will reach a point where the "need" is so great that he has no other option but to cheat. IMO, that is what would make sense as the next step.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 10:24am

This is silly. This isn't about religion, it's about a guy who doesn't have discipline or self control and doesn't intend to try to find any.

Men have different needs and *must* have sex? Having sex with other women is common, it's just something that's kept hush-hush? Please. What, her boyfriend's the only ethical, honest man in the world? Baloney.

A friend of mine in high school who was "fooling around" with her boyfriend, who became sexually aroused. He told her that if he wasn't able to take care of his erection by "completion" he would die. She believed him and that was her first sexual experience. The Op's boyfriend is doing the same thing, he's using different words but it's the same old story.

Java, if you want to figure this out it's easy to do. Talk to men who's opinions you trust and respect; your father, uncles, religious leader, etc. Just be sure you ask men and not boys who aren't old enough to be able to think about anything other than what's inside their pants.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 11:43am

<>

~~I thought stories like these were only urban legends. Oh my goodness! I will assume that your friend was just really naive.

No, it's not about religion. But the OP does need to figure out that even though her religion allows it, will SHE be comfortable if she participates or if she lets him. And then what will her thoughts about herself be if she does and the relationship goes kaput.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 3:04pm

You didn't offend me. I am a girl. Haha. I know my boyfriend agrees with everything I said because I talked to him about it -- if you don't believe me I'll get him to post it on here!

Lol. You made me giggle a little, so thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-19-2005 - 12:51pm
When I was in high school a guy told me that he would get "blue balls" and suffer excruciating pain if I didn't go all the way when making out. I didn't know what to believe, but I told him that we couldn't make out anymore cause I didn't want to hurt him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 9:38am

That's funny because you gave him the opposite response to what he wanted. I like it. I like it a lot.

Blue balls is sore, though (apparently). My boyfriend had that one time when we got interrupted during some petting time and had to leave the room we were in for a while (you don't know what I look like so I assume you won't get disturbing mental images) and later on he was making this pained face and when I asked him what was wrong he told me that we'd gone too far before we had to stop suddenly so he was blue ballsed. Poor boy.