Long distance relationship problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Long distance relationship problem
46
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 2:28pm

My boy friend and I have been in a long distance relationship for a few months. I had been noticing recently that he was becoming more and more irritated and short tempered during our phone conversations. Now he admits to being very horny and has aked my permission to sleep with a friend (refused to reveal her identity). He insists that she is only a friend and he will be upfront with her that this is only sex and no more. He says he won't do anything if I say no, but it's getting really hard for him to go without sex.

I have tried to give the matter fair consideration. I am going without sex too and I have no plans to screw anyone while Im in a relationship with him. How do you propose I should respond to his request. Is it harder for men to go without sex compared to women? Would I be unfair to him if I said no? Its hard to say yes because I do love him and I cant imagine him with another woman. Would he ask me something like this if he loved me?

The fact that we don't expect to be together for at least one year more (due to various reasons) doesn't help the situation much. Can there be any other solution to this problem? Thanks in advance for any advice you can give.




Edited 11/17/2005 2:39 pm ET by java482

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 5:54pm

I can buy a guy being in pain, and maybe I would have back when I didn't know anything too. I do like the answer she gave him too. Thing is, that shows how considerate she is and how strong in her convictions she is. Thumbs up to you Charite_99!

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 1:58pm

Just logged in for an update. You ladies have helped me a lot in clearing my confusion. I confronted him with all the issues he raised and I think he was taken by surprise becuase he was really sure I was buying his crap. He was unable to give me a satisfactory answer related to any issue. I didnt say anything then but today I wrote to him and said good bye.

This isnt easy. I did think we had something good there. Right now I am just very confused, hurt and upset. It was hard to send that email to him but now I've done it. I feel empty inside but i also feel that I am leaving with my pride intact. As women we sacrifice a lot in our lives and at times let others walk all over us and destroy out self esteem. I resolved that I wont let that happen to me. And by doing what I did today, i think I have kept that promise to myself.

I need comfort and support and I know that I can count on all of you. Thanks for being there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 2:12pm

Java,

I'm sure that was a very hard decision for you to make. And it is important that while we love and give, we don't become doormats who will take anything to keep a man. (((Hugs))) to you and I hope you heal from this. You've learned a valuable lesson without having to go through all the extra crap.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 2:13pm
Hugs to you Java.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 2:34pm

Hi

This is what I wrote to him:

Edited.




Edited 11/21/2005 2:58 pm ET by java482
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 11:27pm

Hugs, Java. I'm glad we could help, sometimes it's hard to see clearly when you're in the middle. It's confusing when you're listening to someone who you believe and trust, but what they're saying does not match up with "right and/or appropriate", it can make you feel like you must be missing something, must not be seeing it correctly because surely this person would not be suggesting what it seems to be. Sometimes you put so much faith and belief in them that you doubt yourself and when that happens, you know you need to look inward and do a little rebuilding because doubting yourself is NOT okay.


As hard as this has been and as hard as it will be for a while, you did the only thing you could do. You stood up for yourself, for your ethics, your morals and you stood up for how you demand to be treated. Good for you! Knowing that what you did refused to allow yourself to be treated in a manner that is unacceptable should help you during the rough few days or weeks ahead. You can hold you head high and know you stood strong for yourself and your expectations. You have much to be proud of.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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