(Long)Help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
(Long)Help!!!
28
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 1:38am
Hello everyone hope you are all doing alright tonight.As for me well I am in need for some advice.I love my husband very much I really do and my children.I really have been blessed with someone who loves me.However I am a very insecure person.For many reasons.Because of this I am jealous and bitter.Only when it comes to my husband though.I get really mad at him if we are watching tv and it shows a pretty girl or something.I try not to show that to him because I know he is doing nothing wrong but watching a movie with me.Most of the time which I begged him to stay up and watch.lol.I have been reading alot on here to try to find ways to help me some kind of insite but I figured it would help if I was told some insite from people who knew my story.I have been with my husband going on 7 years.This year will be 6 years of marriage.I was his first and basically him mine.I am 23 years old and a stay at home mom.Have been since I had my first child 3 years ago.I started having seizures out of the blue and the doctors can not find out why.So therefor I have become very dependent on him.I have not had one in 3 months now which is a miracle but still can not drive our kids or anything like that but at least I can stay home by myself now.I am a little overweight and don't think that I am very pretty.I know this and it bothers me very much.I have a hard time trusting because of this and because growing up everyone I trusted has let me down in my family.I came from a very hard life where I was critisized alot and my father ran out on me many times for years.Anyway it has made it hard for me to trust people completly.I don't trust anybody completly.Even those dearest to me.Like my husband.
It is effecting our marriage.I have tried to talk to him about it.He looks at porn magizines and internet.I have complained to him a million times and he still does it but he does try to hide it like I asked.Not as open with it.Not to mention that when I got with him I was even bigger and just a few things he has done has hurt my feelings and the porn is like a slap in the face.makes me not feel good enough.I feel completly unattractive to him.The one person that I want to feel atracted to.One time I bought a lingere outfit to wear and surprised him with it on and he just looked at it and he said I am not in to that can you take it back.Do you knwo how that crushed me knowing that he was watching playboy and everything else.When I came to him with this later he told me well I don't think you are sexy I think you are cute.Which eh says that he never said but trust me he did.Then the other night I told him that I was offered some lingere that my best friends husband bought her that was too big.(not wore)and he said but I like those they are nice.I smarted back but I thought you were not into that.IT's just that after that even though I want to there is no way I can do something like that even though deep down I want to and so much more.I don't feel comfortable telling him my needs on stuff like that and I don't feel comfortable aproaching him.Untill I had my son this past October we had not had sex in 8 months.He said he didn't want to because I was pregnant and because the lsat time I had had a seizure while on top.I understand that was scary for him.It would be for anyone but my gosh.8 months.How healthy of a marriage is that.Besides it has been like that even before my seizures.Just he always always looks at porn or checks out every girl who looks decent.I know that is human nature but it still gets me mad.Alot of it has to do with the fact also that he never compliments me.I mean like NEVER!!When we were dating he would tell me I had a beautiful face sometimes but that was it.Have not got one since.Tried to talk to him about it even cry on many occasions but he just says that is him and he don't compliment I should know that by now.IT just does not help that I feel so dependant and helpless around him.I really feel downright stupid.He is really smart and everything comes naturally to him.He don't cut me down but it is what he don't say that hurts.A while back I wanted to take a class through the internet/mail.He told me no we could not afford it but wants to do it for him.IT was only 35 dollars a month.So my mom paid for it.I finished early and was feeling so good about myself because I had actually done something for me and that I could do something with.(a paralegal coarse).Finished with a A+ average.All he had to say was that he didn't think that I could get the job I was hoping to get and it would not take me anywhere.Was actually trying to work on not being so dependant because before I got pregnant and my seizures I was independant.Now with 2 children and this medical problem I feel even worse.Just talking seems to do no good or maby just what I am saying and I feel guilty for everything even when I am not in the wrong and have no self esteem.Just have pretty much lost my passion for living.I don't want to die just don't see what good I can do for others when all I do is depend on them and how my children can look up to me when I can't think of much good for myself.How do I deal with this.I can't afford help.Even if I could he is so cheap he would not go.All my clothes are years old and clothes that were given to me.But every year he buys something expensive like a computer that cost 1000 dollars for example.(income tax)This year however it has to go on a car and I don't know just how can I feel good about myself I just now got to where I can buy bodywash for myself.Sad huh.Anyway will write more later could go on forever but then you probley would not respond.Just please if there is any advice that anyone can give me please do.Thank you for taking the time to read this and GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!!
Love,Kathy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mommyz0205
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 11:12am

Welcome to the board, Mommyz0205 ~


I'm at work and not able to give you the kind of response you deserve, but I wanted you to know that I'm sorry you're having these struggles and that even though I'm not able to answer you like I'd like to








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
In reply to: mommyz0205
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 12:11pm

Hi Kathy,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't relate in all areas, but I certainly can relate on the jealousy and trust issue. My 3 previous boyfriends have all either cheated on me, or else treated me like I was sub-human! Now I have a boyfriend that I have been with for over a year and a half, and he has never once cheated or been demeaning to me. However, I struggle majorly with jealousy. If he notices a good-looking girl and makes a comment about how she's "cute", I can just feel myself boiling with jealousy. If he wants to go to Hooters or a bachelor party, I feel sick to my stomach. Part of it is because of my personal beliefs that, if you're in a committed relationship with someone, you should not be putting yourself in a situation where you're purposely being tempted or "turned on" by other people. But, I do think the majority of my feelings is because of my low self-esteem. I am overweight, never considered myself attractive because of it. I feel like, if he sees some beautiful, skinny girl, is he going to think about her when we're making love? Is he going to wish he was with someone like that instead of me? He has never made a comment like that, and I know that he would never cheat on me because his ex cheated on him. But it still hurts to think these things. You're right, it is human nature to look (and that's something I still need to accept), but it's also important to let your SO know that you find them attractive, too. If your husband is not doing this and yet he's looking at all these other women, I think that's a big problem.

Have you tried talking to your husband and telling him exactly how you feel when he looks at other women but doesn't compliment you? Would you feel a little more comfortable with him looking at other women if you were also getting compliments and being made to feel attractive? I would say try to communicate heart to heart with him - if he's your husband and if he cares about you, he should try to understand and be willing to try to support you and help you. If he's not willing to do that, I would say that it's time to move on. You don't deserve to live like this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: mommyz0205
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 12:53pm

Hi Mommy,

I have to say, I think it's great that you took a paralegal class. Paralegal training is a good way to go. They can make some pretty decent money. And getting to where you don't HAVE to rely on someone else can go on long way with your self-esteem. Good for you!

I would offer you advice on porn but I happen to think it's just evil, evil, evil. :) So all of my advice on there would be biased that way. And it wouldn't change anything because I'm not talking to your DH about it, lol. But I can so see where it would cause problems for you. To have self-esteem issues to begin with and have it compounded by not getting compliments or sex and having your DH watch porn... well, I understand where it's causing problems. Unfortunately you can't get your DH to change. The ONLY thing you can do is change yourself. That means counseling. You have a long history of issues that you need someone to walk you through. You do that and you will be happier, no matter what DH does.

As far as the sex thing goes, your DH COULD have an addiction to porn that is impeding him. AND I could see where the seizure would have been really scary. But since you say that sex was a problem before then.... I'm sure it's just another reason.

Hopefully you will get more help from others. I just wanted you to know you were heard and understood. :)

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
In reply to: mommyz0205
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 2:10pm

Hello there -

I want to let you know first off hand that you are not alone in this situation. I am too going through the same struggle with my husband. When we were dating it was actually vice versa, he would complain if I didn't tell him that I loved him or cuddled up to him in the car like I used to.
Over the yrs it has rolled down hill, where I don't hear an "I love you" fr him unless I tell him, or ever a compliment.
I did bring up the issue though, and he was very sincere. He said I am not a sexy person, and it hurt me but he explained to me that ppl define sexiness differently. In his point of view, a sexy girl was someone who carried themselves with confidence and believed in themselves. I am not that girl. I am very insecure of myself as well. I told him he has made me insecure by his lack of compliments. At this he said that I am a pretty girl but I dont take care of myself. Which I know is also true. I have two kids as well and when getting ready I dont have time for myself. The bottom line is that I have to be more self consious (sp?). I used to believe that anybody who loves me will love me for what I look like. WRONG!!! Men are men - like you said it is in their nature to look. And after years of being with the same person they will begin to look around innocently if you wish but they will. We have to make sure first of all for OUR self esteem and our health, that we look good and FEEL good about ourselves. When that happens, everything will start rolling together. Unless our husbands are total heartless, selfish people, they wont notice and then its time to start worrying about something else.
Most importantly - we have to think about our kids. They notice our depression and it affects them. As far as the porn goes, same thing with me, but I stopped bugging him about it and when I check the internet history which he doesn't know I do, I hardly see porn web sites on there anymore. I maybe find like one or two in the lapse of three weeks.
On top of everything keep yourself in mind. Do everything to make YOU feel good and then everything will fall into place. Hope this helps a little. If you ever want to talk my email is johanna313@univision.com. God bless you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
In reply to: mommyz0205
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 4:36pm

Sorry to hear about your situation. My personal opinion wouldn't do you justice here. However I do think that you need to go to counseling with your husband. You sound like you have done and said everything to try to help your marriage so I say professional help is what you need. You have a very serious issue with your insecurities and trusting others and I know its serious because I have those issues too. Please get some help.

Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mommyz0205
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 1:23am

Kathy, you've had some great support to your post today, a lot of understanding and a lot of great suggestions.


I know that you feel pretty alone and uncared for right now, and I know you feel trapped because of your inability to drive due to your seizures. That has to really complicate things for you. For a while in my first marriage we only had one car, only being able to get out and do things when he was home drove me nuts -- there's a huge difference between being home because you want to and being home because you have no choice. I can't imagine how it must feel being in your position, not only having to wait for him to be home and available to go anywhere, but to have to rely on him to take you as well. That means you get no alone time, and absolutely no alone time away from home. I am a person who really values her alone time, knowing I wasn't going to get any would really get to me.


With some issues that cause seizures your ability to drive is given back based on the length of time since your last seizure, is that something that may be possible for you or do they have to have an actual diagnosis before you'll be "driveable"? Since you're in a situation where you can't really get around without assistance I'd think it would make your situation feel more dire, I'd think you'd feel trapped because of your dependence, I'm sure it would heighten the problem for me. I'm not at all trying to minimize the problems you touched on, they are serious issues for sure, I'm just saying that the circumstances would make the situation feel more urgent to me. Trapped is not a good thing to feel. Know that if you really feel you needed to leave many people with seizure disorders have to rely on public transportation or other transportation that is often available for those with medical conditions. I know it's not the best of solutions, but it is most likely there (depending on the size of your town) and while it may not be easy, it means you're not as stuck as you feel. It sounds like you have your mother's support too, is she close enough to be able to be an option for you? Check with your doctor and/or your local hospital(s) to see if there's a support group for people with seizure conditions that you could attend. Not only would being around a group of people who understand your frustrations and other feelings on the subject be good for you, meeting new people and being in a supportive group would be great for you all around.


It sounds like you're aware that you've had self esteem and trust issues that go back to your childhood and much of what you described in your post relates to self esteem issues. Have you considered seeing a therapist to work on your self esteem? I think that is probably your first step in taking action to getting you to feel better about yourself. Once you're feeling better about you, it's incredible what else can change around you due to your new thoughts, feelings, and strength. When your perception of yourself changes, it shows and with that - and a more secure and strong attitude - the way you're perceived by others changes too.


From what you said you and your husband have some issues to work on too, and at the front of those issues is communication. Are you able to talk to him at all about what you want how you feel, that he hurts your feelings, etc.? If not, what happens when you try? Does he not answer, do you get into a fight or what? When you're able to communicate (that's him talking back as well as you talking to him, not just you talking to him, lol!) with each other, you're able to resolve issues, have better, clearer understanding and make changes in your relationship that make things better for both of you. Again though, I think working on your self esteem probably has to come first. Of course too, you'll only be able to change those things that he's willing to change and I think that will change quite a bit when your own self esteem improves.


Kathy, none of these problems came up over night and none of them are going to go away overnight either. It'll take time and real work to deal with them, but I think you'll find that regardless of how things turn out working on yourself and then your marriage will be the best thing you've ever done for yourself. You deserve to feel good about yourself, and to feel loved and cared about. Let us know how you're feeling, okay?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mommyz0205
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 1:49am

Welcome back Sylasr, I'm glad to see you're still around. It's been a few weeks since you posted (Jealousy )


Your post to Mommyz0205 was great, really supportive and great thoughts and suggestions. How are things going for you? Any change since you posted? I think suggesting Mommy see a therapist to deal with her self esteem issues is absolutely correct and the best thing she could do for herself. You indicated that you have a history of self esteem issues too, not made any better by three past cheating boyfriends, I'm sure. Are you seeing a therapist to work on your self esteem and trust issues? I hope so, you deserve to be free of those issues just as much as Mommyz does.


Let us know how you're doing, okay?








~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mommyz0205
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 1:53am

Jony ~ What a great, strong and truthful post you wrote to Mommyz. It was a really great post that kept the focus where it needs to be -- on her.


I hope to see more post from you here, you're great!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mommyz0205
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 1:56am

Welcome to the board, Mrodd24 ~


I'm sorry to hear that you have trust and insecurity issues, like you said, they are serious issues to deal with. How are you dealing with yours?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
In reply to: mommyz0205
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 2:42am
hello,
I just wanted to thank you all for reading and posting on my letter.I don't have much time as I am waiting on dh to come home.Will be back any second.I agree that I have some serious issues that need professional help but however we can not afford them and my husband would say we couldn't even if we could.Also to answer the question about my seizure and help no there are no help transports around here.Sorry I got to go but will write more as soon as I can.Thank you all and I hope that maby we can work on this together.Hope it will do me some good to be able to relate to people to.Anyway try to get back on and write more.Sorry I could not write you all back personally I just had a minute.If I can ever help you all please let me know too.
Love,Kathy GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!!

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