(Long)Help!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
(Long)Help!!!
28
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 1:38am
Hello everyone hope you are all doing alright tonight.As for me well I am in need for some advice.I love my husband very much I really do and my children.I really have been blessed with someone who loves me.However I am a very insecure person.For many reasons.Because of this I am jealous and bitter.Only when it comes to my husband though.I get really mad at him if we are watching tv and it shows a pretty girl or something.I try not to show that to him because I know he is doing nothing wrong but watching a movie with me.Most of the time which I begged him to stay up and watch.lol.I have been reading alot on here to try to find ways to help me some kind of insite but I figured it would help if I was told some insite from people who knew my story.I have been with my husband going on 7 years.This year will be 6 years of marriage.I was his first and basically him mine.I am 23 years old and a stay at home mom.Have been since I had my first child 3 years ago.I started having seizures out of the blue and the doctors can not find out why.So therefor I have become very dependent on him.I have not had one in 3 months now which is a miracle but still can not drive our kids or anything like that but at least I can stay home by myself now.I am a little overweight and don't think that I am very pretty.I know this and it bothers me very much.I have a hard time trusting because of this and because growing up everyone I trusted has let me down in my family.I came from a very hard life where I was critisized alot and my father ran out on me many times for years.Anyway it has made it hard for me to trust people completly.I don't trust anybody completly.Even those dearest to me.Like my husband.
It is effecting our marriage.I have tried to talk to him about it.He looks at porn magizines and internet.I have complained to him a million times and he still does it but he does try to hide it like I asked.Not as open with it.Not to mention that when I got with him I was even bigger and just a few things he has done has hurt my feelings and the porn is like a slap in the face.makes me not feel good enough.I feel completly unattractive to him.The one person that I want to feel atracted to.One time I bought a lingere outfit to wear and surprised him with it on and he just looked at it and he said I am not in to that can you take it back.Do you knwo how that crushed me knowing that he was watching playboy and everything else.When I came to him with this later he told me well I don't think you are sexy I think you are cute.Which eh says that he never said but trust me he did.Then the other night I told him that I was offered some lingere that my best friends husband bought her that was too big.(not wore)and he said but I like those they are nice.I smarted back but I thought you were not into that.IT's just that after that even though I want to there is no way I can do something like that even though deep down I want to and so much more.I don't feel comfortable telling him my needs on stuff like that and I don't feel comfortable aproaching him.Untill I had my son this past October we had not had sex in 8 months.He said he didn't want to because I was pregnant and because the lsat time I had had a seizure while on top.I understand that was scary for him.It would be for anyone but my gosh.8 months.How healthy of a marriage is that.Besides it has been like that even before my seizures.Just he always always looks at porn or checks out every girl who looks decent.I know that is human nature but it still gets me mad.Alot of it has to do with the fact also that he never compliments me.I mean like NEVER!!When we were dating he would tell me I had a beautiful face sometimes but that was it.Have not got one since.Tried to talk to him about it even cry on many occasions but he just says that is him and he don't compliment I should know that by now.IT just does not help that I feel so dependant and helpless around him.I really feel downright stupid.He is really smart and everything comes naturally to him.He don't cut me down but it is what he don't say that hurts.A while back I wanted to take a class through the internet/mail.He told me no we could not afford it but wants to do it for him.IT was only 35 dollars a month.So my mom paid for it.I finished early and was feeling so good about myself because I had actually done something for me and that I could do something with.(a paralegal coarse).Finished with a A+ average.All he had to say was that he didn't think that I could get the job I was hoping to get and it would not take me anywhere.Was actually trying to work on not being so dependant because before I got pregnant and my seizures I was independant.Now with 2 children and this medical problem I feel even worse.Just talking seems to do no good or maby just what I am saying and I feel guilty for everything even when I am not in the wrong and have no self esteem.Just have pretty much lost my passion for living.I don't want to die just don't see what good I can do for others when all I do is depend on them and how my children can look up to me when I can't think of much good for myself.How do I deal with this.I can't afford help.Even if I could he is so cheap he would not go.All my clothes are years old and clothes that were given to me.But every year he buys something expensive like a computer that cost 1000 dollars for example.(income tax)This year however it has to go on a car and I don't know just how can I feel good about myself I just now got to where I can buy bodywash for myself.Sad huh.Anyway will write more later could go on forever but then you probley would not respond.Just please if there is any advice that anyone can give me please do.Thank you for taking the time to read this and GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!!
Love,Kathy
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
In reply to: mommyz0205
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 8:37am

Hi 2nd_life,

Thanks for the post. I've been lurking, just haven't posted that much. I've been really trying not to feel the jealousy. Fortunately, my boyfriend hasn't really said anything to make me feel jealous lately. I think, though, that I just need to talk to him about how I feel. I think that would go a long way. Plus, I'm starting Weight Watchers to try to lose weight. I think that would help a lot of my insecurity issues. I am not seeing a therapist right now, simply because I can't afford it. I've been talking to a friend who has the same issues, and she recommended a book called Romantic Jealousy, so I'm going to try to find that. But I really think that just talking to my boyfriend, telling him how I feel and getting his help is going to be important. I think most of my problems are, if he says "She's cute," I'm taking that to mean, "I'd like to have sex with her." I don't at all think that's what he's actually thinking. I think it's one of those "he said, she hears" type of things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
In reply to: mommyz0205
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 10:44am
Thank you for welcoming me. Yes I do have insecurity and trust issues that came with feeling betrayed over the years by many that I love. However I was fortunate the past year to have my family deciding to come together is a way that I have never felt before and my family has been a constant reminder that I am not alone in this world. I can't say I'm not longer insecure and have got rid of trust issues but I am confident enough to not let it control my life anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
In reply to: mommyz0205
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 7:30pm
hey....what i think you need to do is just relax a little. I may not be as old as you or as experienced in relationships, but let me tell you that i have had some hard ones. I am currently in a relationship right now where i feel some of the things you are feeling. My boyfriend doesn't pay attention to me sometimes and he talks about other girls all the time. No matter what we are talking about he finds a way to make it be about another "hot" girl! Just look at it this way....your husband must love you if he married you. Just try again to talk to him and explain to him that you love him very much, but that he is really hurting you. Tell him that he needs to pay more attention to you and maybe give you some money to buy some new clothes. Even if they are from a second hand store, at least it's something. Right? Just explain to him exacting what you are feeling and if he doesn't listen....find a way for him to understand. Find someone he will listen to and ask them to explain some of it to him. Maybe then he'll start listening to you more. Well, that's all i can say right now! Good Luck! Keep In Touch!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mommyz0205
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 11:50pm

Kathy, I'm glad you checked in. We'll be waiting for you to come back when you can write more. I have a few more thoughts and suggestions, but will wait until I know you're around.








~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mommyz0205
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 12:07am

Mrodd24, It sounds like you've had a good, positive year that's allowed you to do some healing and move forward, congratulations --that's great! It must feel really great to see that you truly do have your family's support too. If you're confident enough that you won't let insecurity control your life, it sounds like you've got it under control and very likely on your way to removing it from your life. Did you do that on your own or did you have the help of a therapist to get where you are today?








~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown



Edited 1/19/2006 12:50 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mommyz0205
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 12:48am

Doing things that will result in some positive changes is a good thing and does a lot for your self esteem for sure. Best of luck for your success on Weight Watchers. You might want to check into the Health and Well-Being Channel's

Never Say Diet!
and

Fitness & Health boards

for some support on achieving your goal. Last year instead of focusing on dieting (though I did watch what I ate and stayed away from sugar and fat) I took up running. I lost a lot of weight, and as long as I keep up the exercise I can pretty much eat what I want (junk included : )) and stay right where I am. I don't know how much I lost or how much I weigh now -- I don't do scales, but it's definitely been the answer for me and I'm very happy with the results.


When you say you can't afford to see a therapist or counselor, I wonder, have you really checked into how much it would be? Most health insurance packages cover counseling and many counselors charge on a sliding scale and/or are willing to bill their clients. Have you received some price quotes from therapists you're interested in seeing and figured out how much your actual payment amount would be? If you truly can't afford it, you should check with your state/county/city or local mental health (the public health office can direct you) for low income mental health counseling. Also, you might want to check to see if your work has an EAP program (Employee Assistance Program). That will give you I believe eight counseling session free. The reason for your counseling does not need to be work related in any way. I understand that your boyfriend isn't currently doing anything to upset you but that doesn't resolve your insecurity/self esteem problem, it just keeps it below the surface; and losing weight will certainly help you feel better about yourself, but if your problem is rooted in more than weight and/or has been a long-running problem it won't be the whole answer for you. Attacking this from both angles -- your body (weight loss) and your mind (counseling) will make for a you that you didn't think was possible.








~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
In reply to: mommyz0205
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 11:03am

Hi 2nd_life,

Thanks for the encouragement on the weight loss. Right now, I'm attending the Weight Watcher's Followers board, and I have an email support buddy. Also, my boyfriend is being very supportive...he and I are exercising together 4 times a week for 45 min - 1 hour. So if he's there pushing me to do it with him, I know I'll be less apt to let the exercise slide.

I never thought about contacting out Employee Assistance Program. That's something I could definitely look into. As far as regular on-going counseling, I would love to do it. The problem is, our insurance charges a copay of $30 per visit for specialty services. Even if I go only once a week, that adds up quite a bit, and I'm just at the point now where I'm finally digging myself out of a financial hole. I'm hoping that with talking to my boyfriend about how I feel/what I think he says/what he actually says, maybe it will help. Erin (wingblade) was right in a lot of what she said, and I'm taking that to heart. I think losing weight, working on how I feel about me, and being more communicative with my boyfriend will help tremendously.

And it helped, too, that the other night, my boyfriend was mumbling/talking in his sleep. He kept saying my name, then he said, "You mean so much to me" and kept on mumbling. :-) It's one thing to say it when you're awake, but it's another to say it in your sleep! :-) (my opinion, anyway...)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mommyz0205
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 11:21pm

Sylasr, it sounds like you're really taking some great steps, way to go! So often people say they want change but when faced with really having to take action they aren't willing to do that. Huge congratulations for taking action -- it says great things about you.


Something to consider is that if you use EAP to get you started, by the time you're done with those sessions, you might only need sessions every other week. It's also possible that you don't need weekly visits or perhaps a therapist would agree to see you every other week due to your financial concerns. Just some thoughts; you never know what's possible if you don't check out the options.


Again though, counseling aside, it sounds like you're doing some really positive things with yourself and taking steps to help assure that you'll be successful. You have every reason to be very proud of yourself, you're doing some really impressive stuff. Way to go!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
In reply to: mommyz0205
Fri, 01-20-2006 - 7:45am

Thank you, 2nd_life! That's a good point about the EAP counseling. Maybe I'll call around today or Monday.

I'm feeling pretty good about myself, though - since being on WW (started Monday), I've already lost almost 4 pounds this week. I know it won't be like that every week (and it's not safe if it was!), but it just makes me feel so much better about myself. I did tell my boyfriend last night that I was trying to lose weight, and he said he would help me however he could.

I think another part of my insecurity/jealousy was that we weren't doing a whole lot of "together" things. We've started buying some 2-player games, we've been doing Dance Dance Revolution together, and we're talking about trying to find some ballroom dance lessons close by. I think the more we do "together" things, the more secure I'll feel in our relationship too. I know I still have this jealousy problem that needs to be worked on, but all these other little things, I'm sure, will help.

~ Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
In reply to: mommyz0205
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 8:25pm
Hello there.I am back sorry it has been a little while had a lot of stuff going on.Besides my usual.Think I got a minute but with 2 kids you never know.lol.Ok well first I want to thank you all for thinking of me.IT means alot ot know that there is somewhere that I can go that people can relate to me and offer support.Well I tried to talk to my husband about going back to work the other night.Also wanted to talk to him about other stuff and well he didn't even look at me.After a while of me talking and him not saying a word I said to him 'you don't have anything to say'?He still didn't look at me.he was looking at the tv.He was playing madden 06 and the whole time I was talking he acted like I was not saying a word.I finally got mad and just went to cleaning.I know he heard me yet he didn't respond.OR look up.Honestly I am more mad at myself for being this way.Although I do seem to take it out on him.I am scared that if something happens or he were to leave me that I would be out on the street with nothing.You asked before about the support of my mother and she lives a couple hours away.Besides the fact that we get along and keep in contact however nto to close her husband who has been for 20 years this month molesed me as a child and we kinda bump heads over that.I have forgiven him because I would not be christian if I didn't.However I do not allow my children to go there or anything just to be safe.I don't want to take that chance.Not with my children.The only other family that I have near by is my grandma and she has no license and can not read or write. I am trying to teach her how to read and write and work with her on getting her license but it's going to take a long time to work on that.Just trying to build her self esteem up.It is working too.I got her wearing makeup and dressing up and doing stuff for herself now.She is very back woods and has never done any of that and now she laughs and has even flirted a little.Ok sorry besides that know I got off the point.I try to look up to her because she is the sweetest lady I know and even though she is fixing to be 69 she is starting to want to live life a little and focus on herself.I admire that and wish I had that.I am only 23 and don't have that.I just can't believe how just the little bit of accomplishments can do that for you.The littlest look and compliments.Guess I find it strange because I am the one doing this for her yet I find myself struggling through the same problem and not getting any where.I think my main problem is I just wish my husband would compliment me.Have not really heard one at all since we been together.That is 7 years.HE says that is just not him.That he just don't give compliments on looks but I just feel that I really need them.He says that the way he is to me and his love should be enough.As for my weight I am ok with it just wish I could change my looks and tone up I have the flab from my baby and my body is just well flabby.lol.I know that is my own problem just don't see much use because the person that I want to look better for the most dosn't she interest and yet does in others.I know that is human nature but I just wish that he would look at me that way.I want him to want and desire me that way.If he does well then he has sure had a funny way of showing it especially since when I talked to him about it many times he does not denie it.Anyway I got to go for now feel free to send me any suggestions or relating stories. Love,Kathy