(Long)Help!!!
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(Long)Help!!!
| Tue, 01-17-2006 - 1:38am |
Hello everyone hope you are all doing alright tonight.As for me well I am in need for some advice.I love my husband very much I really do and my children.I really have been blessed with someone who loves me.However I am a very insecure person.For many reasons.Because of this I am jealous and bitter.Only when it comes to my husband though.I get really mad at him if we are watching tv and it shows a pretty girl or something.I try not to show that to him because I know he is doing nothing wrong but watching a movie with me.Most of the time which I begged him to stay up and watch.lol.I have been reading alot on here to try to find ways to help me some kind of insite but I figured it would help if I was told some insite from people who knew my story.I have been with my husband going on 7 years.This year will be 6 years of marriage.I was his first and basically him mine.I am 23 years old and a stay at home mom.Have been since I had my first child 3 years ago.I started having seizures out of the blue and the doctors can not find out why.So therefor I have become very dependent on him.I have not had one in 3 months now which is a miracle but still can not drive our kids or anything like that but at least I can stay home by myself now.I am a little overweight and don't think that I am very pretty.I know this and it bothers me very much.I have a hard time trusting because of this and because growing up everyone I trusted has let me down in my family.I came from a very hard life where I was critisized alot and my father ran out on me many times for years.Anyway it has made it hard for me to trust people completly.I don't trust anybody completly.Even those dearest to me.Like my husband.
It is effecting our marriage.I have tried to talk to him about it.He looks at porn magizines and internet.I have complained to him a million times and he still does it but he does try to hide it like I asked.Not as open with it.Not to mention that when I got with him I was even bigger and just a few things he has done has hurt my feelings and the porn is like a slap in the face.makes me not feel good enough.I feel completly unattractive to him.The one person that I want to feel atracted to.One time I bought a lingere outfit to wear and surprised him with it on and he just looked at it and he said I am not in to that can you take it back.Do you knwo how that crushed me knowing that he was watching playboy and everything else.When I came to him with this later he told me well I don't think you are sexy I think you are cute.Which eh says that he never said but trust me he did.Then the other night I told him that I was offered some lingere that my best friends husband bought her that was too big.(not wore)and he said but I like those they are nice.I smarted back but I thought you were not into that.IT's just that after that even though I want to there is no way I can do something like that even though deep down I want to and so much more.I don't feel comfortable telling him my needs on stuff like that and I don't feel comfortable aproaching him.Untill I had my son this past October we had not had sex in 8 months.He said he didn't want to because I was pregnant and because the lsat time I had had a seizure while on top.I understand that was scary for him.It would be for anyone but my gosh.8 months.How healthy of a marriage is that.Besides it has been like that even before my seizures.Just he always always looks at porn or checks out every girl who looks decent.I know that is human nature but it still gets me mad.Alot of it has to do with the fact also that he never compliments me.I mean like NEVER!!When we were dating he would tell me I had a beautiful face sometimes but that was it.Have not got one since.Tried to talk to him about it even cry on many occasions but he just says that is him and he don't compliment I should know that by now.IT just does not help that I feel so dependant and helpless around him.I really feel downright stupid.He is really smart and everything comes naturally to him.He don't cut me down but it is what he don't say that hurts.A while back I wanted to take a class through the internet/mail.He told me no we could not afford it but wants to do it for him.IT was only 35 dollars a month.So my mom paid for it.I finished early and was feeling so good about myself because I had actually done something for me and that I could do something with.(a paralegal coarse).Finished with a A+ average.All he had to say was that he didn't think that I could get the job I was hoping to get and it would not take me anywhere.Was actually trying to work on not being so dependant because before I got pregnant and my seizures I was independant.Now with 2 children and this medical problem I feel even worse.Just talking seems to do no good or maby just what I am saying and I feel guilty for everything even when I am not in the wrong and have no self esteem.Just have pretty much lost my passion for living.I don't want to die just don't see what good I can do for others when all I do is depend on them and how my children can look up to me when I can't think of much good for myself.How do I deal with this.I can't afford help.Even if I could he is so cheap he would not go.All my clothes are years old and clothes that were given to me.But every year he buys something expensive like a computer that cost 1000 dollars for example.(income tax)This year however it has to go on a car and I don't know just how can I feel good about myself I just now got to where I can buy bodywash for myself.Sad huh.Anyway will write more later could go on forever but then you probley would not respond.Just please if there is any advice that anyone can give me please do.Thank you for taking the time to read this and GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!!
Love,Kathy
It is effecting our marriage.I have tried to talk to him about it.He looks at porn magizines and internet.I have complained to him a million times and he still does it but he does try to hide it like I asked.Not as open with it.Not to mention that when I got with him I was even bigger and just a few things he has done has hurt my feelings and the porn is like a slap in the face.makes me not feel good enough.I feel completly unattractive to him.The one person that I want to feel atracted to.One time I bought a lingere outfit to wear and surprised him with it on and he just looked at it and he said I am not in to that can you take it back.Do you knwo how that crushed me knowing that he was watching playboy and everything else.When I came to him with this later he told me well I don't think you are sexy I think you are cute.Which eh says that he never said but trust me he did.Then the other night I told him that I was offered some lingere that my best friends husband bought her that was too big.(not wore)and he said but I like those they are nice.I smarted back but I thought you were not into that.IT's just that after that even though I want to there is no way I can do something like that even though deep down I want to and so much more.I don't feel comfortable telling him my needs on stuff like that and I don't feel comfortable aproaching him.Untill I had my son this past October we had not had sex in 8 months.He said he didn't want to because I was pregnant and because the lsat time I had had a seizure while on top.I understand that was scary for him.It would be for anyone but my gosh.8 months.How healthy of a marriage is that.Besides it has been like that even before my seizures.Just he always always looks at porn or checks out every girl who looks decent.I know that is human nature but it still gets me mad.Alot of it has to do with the fact also that he never compliments me.I mean like NEVER!!When we were dating he would tell me I had a beautiful face sometimes but that was it.Have not got one since.Tried to talk to him about it even cry on many occasions but he just says that is him and he don't compliment I should know that by now.IT just does not help that I feel so dependant and helpless around him.I really feel downright stupid.He is really smart and everything comes naturally to him.He don't cut me down but it is what he don't say that hurts.A while back I wanted to take a class through the internet/mail.He told me no we could not afford it but wants to do it for him.IT was only 35 dollars a month.So my mom paid for it.I finished early and was feeling so good about myself because I had actually done something for me and that I could do something with.(a paralegal coarse).Finished with a A+ average.All he had to say was that he didn't think that I could get the job I was hoping to get and it would not take me anywhere.Was actually trying to work on not being so dependant because before I got pregnant and my seizures I was independant.Now with 2 children and this medical problem I feel even worse.Just talking seems to do no good or maby just what I am saying and I feel guilty for everything even when I am not in the wrong and have no self esteem.Just have pretty much lost my passion for living.I don't want to die just don't see what good I can do for others when all I do is depend on them and how my children can look up to me when I can't think of much good for myself.How do I deal with this.I can't afford help.Even if I could he is so cheap he would not go.All my clothes are years old and clothes that were given to me.But every year he buys something expensive like a computer that cost 1000 dollars for example.(income tax)This year however it has to go on a car and I don't know just how can I feel good about myself I just now got to where I can buy bodywash for myself.Sad huh.Anyway will write more later could go on forever but then you probley would not respond.Just please if there is any advice that anyone can give me please do.Thank you for taking the time to read this and GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!!
Love,Kathy

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From what you said to Kateandwillsmom, it sounds like you have no problem talking about the things you want to talk about and making yourself heard and getting your point across. That's a good thing. There's a lot you two need to talk about, and the best way to do that is one subject at a time, if you tackle more than one at a time, or bring another up before the first one is resolved, you'll overload, take the focus off the issue at hand and end up getting nowhere.
Something you need to realize too is that you said he's never complimented you the entire time you've been together. That means you need to realize that it's not his nature to be complimentary, but if he's making comments about how other women look, it means he's just not ever gotten in the habit (or maybe comfortable) saying those things to you. You need to have a talk with him, one where he talks to you too. I have a feeling that might be harder to get, yes? Here are some informational posts on conflict resolution that might help you:
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
First off thank you and yes it is hard toget his attention because he is always doing something.My problem with the communicationcomes with what you said I always end up trying to make him happy and we never argue really.Anyway I hold my feelings inside for a while and he does not know that there is a problem.I know I shouldn't I just try to deal with them on my own.I just hate to be a bother.I know that marriage is a 2 way street and we should work on things together however I don't want him to think all I do is complain.I do think that you are right that maby I should try to talk to him about 1 thing at a time because I do tend to leave stuff out and not stress enough on everything.Because I tend to overload and it is so much by the time I talk to him that not everything is said how I truely mean it all the time.Therefor making it seem trivial to me at the time and so therefor it does no good.I do also want to let you know that I really do have a wonderful husband.Really and truely my main problems are my insecurities.Not him I just focus on what I feel that he could do to make them go away.We do have a good marriage though.I mean other than that he is great.We get along good and just the little stuff he does shows me that he loves me.He is a wonderful father and husband.We have had a few trivial stuff that we have had to work through but that is a marriage We did work through some differences together.Now we just got to somehow make these matters work.Also to answer your question about him and compliments no it is just not his nature.You are right I do not think that he feels comfortable doing it.I wish he would though cause it would help me out in dealing with my levels of self-esteem.We have dealt with alot of things and I know that we will deal with alot more.That is just marriage.To be honest right now if this were to be dealt with I can't see it being any better.My marriage I mean.This is however a big issue with me and I feel bad for taking my insecurities out on him.I don't really show anymore how it effects us I mean I have learned to controll it where he does not know if I get mad because I know it is me BUT I still do and am afraid that I will show it I just always tend to change the subject or doi something else till I am over it.Or he makes me laugh.He is good at that.No matter how mad I am he always has a way of making me laugh.If he can tell that I am upset he always comes and loves on me and tries to tickle me or something and tell me how much eh loves me.I mean he really is great that is why this really bothers me that I feel this way.That I can not talk to himabout certain things because of my feelings.I am so very nervous about being rejected and or it to be thought of as so small that I am just having a moment and will get over it.I deal with this everyday and pretty much all day the not feeling worthy and my main problem is not feeling worth enough for him.He deserves the best and I am not the best and don't see how I am even close to that.I just would like to offer him all that I can but how can I do that when I don't love myself and have so many issues due to this.However he is off the next 4 nights after tonight and Ido plan on talking with him and asking him how he thinks he could help with this and telling him how I think he can help with my selfesteem and that I need something to feel better about myself.What do you think about that?Any suggestions before I do so? Sincerely,Kathy
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember
**
1. Lessons in Communication & Assertion
2. Lessons cont. - Steps to Assertion
3. Lessons cont. - Language of Assertion
4. Lessons cont. - More on Communication
An article that will really help get you back on track to being in touch with each other is:
5. Dialogue to Improve Your Marriage
I will say that I think it's really important to be able to communicate what you want, need and expect, both on a personal level and in the relationship. Waiting until you're upset or have too much to hold in anymore isn't at all helpful. That's where it starts to sound like you're not happy about anything, and that there are so many problems that it's overwhelming and too much to try to address. Being able to say, "You'll need to come into the dining room for dinner, I'm not going to deliver your meal to the computer." Is better than blowing up about that and a dozen other things. When you keep them separate he understands easily what it is you want and need, it promotes discussion about the issue and helps get your issues resolved so you don't get to the explosion point. It also makes both of you feel positive about your relationship and your abilities to resolve issues.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hello!Just wanted to respond to you again and let you know how things went last time he was off.Ok well I didn't talk to him.Not in words anyway.I just made sure to spend alot of quality time with him.Not to mention that I was sick for 2 of those days and could not get out of bed.Anyway to answer your question about the whole lingere thing I was oh about 40 pounds heavier and he tried to be sincere he really did.He just said and I quote "um well baby I am not really into all that can you take it back and get your money back"?I am trying to have a healthier mind set though.I talked to a very good friend the other night and it helped alot.She told me that I should leave him.Not a divorce just seperate to find myself.When she said that it was like bomb that went off in my head.IT really made me think about how selfish I have been and how I could not imagine spending even the littlest time away from him.Why would I do that.I mean I love this man so much and yet I am putting all this focus on myself.What I am unhappy with about myself.How I don't have to feel this way and yet I was also giving my friend advice on stuff at which I should have taken.Like my favorite saying is everything happens for a reason.I tell this to everyone and even myself however when it comes to myself as a person and all I don't seem to think this way.It is like I have been living a crazy dream/nightmare at yet I am so happy at the same time.I guess what I am trying to say is that I wanted my husband to think of me as the best at everything.I know that this is not possible because nobody is perfect.Still I lived some dream that I should be for him and that was a dissapointment.At the same time yes my seizures have been a burden.It is nice to know though that I have a loving husband who took very good care of me and the kids when I needed him too and it does not bother him to know that I need him in many ways.Also that he does not mind me depending on him to pay the bills even though we are having it rough.So I really started thinking after my friend said this.It was like the biggest eye opener.All except the issues with my insecurity we have no problems.Yes sometimes he aggravates me and I do him however we never actually fight we really do have a great marriage.Every problem we have had with one another we have gotten through.Anyway why should I live in missery about something I am already in missery about and out him and the kids in the same missery.When either way I am going to have to work through this.It just happens.I can say though that I do love him with all my heart and I totally trust him.I mean I don't have to worry about him running around on me or anything like that.Never have.When we argue or have a dissagreement we don't even cuss in a sentence because to us that is like cussing one another and that is just a no no to us.He is not abusive verbally or physically.He is not the most romantic but he does tell me he loves me a bunch of times a day and we never go to bed or leave the house without telling each other so.We always spend our time together except for like maby a special occasion or when he is at work and when we do we talk about this and talk about that.So you see he really is a great guy.That is the main reason that I joined this board.To get help on my jealousy because I know I get a littlt jealous over silly stuff.Anyhow I am trying to work on this and if I need his help along the way then I will ask.As for going back to work well I am leaving that in God's hands.Along with everything else.I must admit that it would just kill me to have to see my children being raised by someone else.I would miss out on so much and I am so used to being the one their.ANd well lets face it nobody is as good as mommy.That goes for any child.I just don't think that I could do that.As much as I want my stability and dependance it is just worth waiting a couple more years.At least I have this opporunity.I will just have to settle my needs some other way.Maby I can find a place to volunteer at once a week or so I used to volunteer at a nursing home that would be nice to do again.Anyway thank you and I will keep you updated.Please respond back if you have anything to say or ask.GOD BLESS!!!Wish me luck..
P.S.Thank you for the links by the way very nice of you to think of me and put so much effort into it. Love,Kathy
nothing else.Then I will type 5 things that I did for myself physically.Shower does not count.lol.I will also write down 5 things that I did with my kids (each).5 things for my husband.These can be simple things like reading to them or coloring.For my husband it can be anything that I did for him.I am also going to make a list of things that I like and don't like about myself.Beside each thing on that list I am going to list off what I can do to change them.If I am dramitizing things I will either do what the list says to do to change them or tell myself just accept it and read over the things that I like about myself,marriage,and children.Tell myself that that is what is important.Also if I mess up and do not do this then I am going to try and write more the next day to make up for this.I also believe that I need to pray more if nothing else.Anyway do you think this is a good idea?Or do you have a suggestion on another way I should go about it?Your thought is greatly appreaciated. Sincerely,Kathy
My honest thoughts on your list? Well, first of all, I think taking a shower can really be a challenge when you have little ones - lol! But beyond that, I think writing down five things you've done for yourself is great, but I think in writing another five with kids and another five for your husband is piling on too much and asking for failure, which would be another reason to feel bad about yourself/beat yourself up -- not what you need at all. The focus needs to be on you, no one else. Obviously, you're going to take care of your kids and interacting with them is a good and important thing, but you're going to do that with or without a list, so why put yourself under the pressure and give yourself the added chance to feel like a "failure"? As for five things for your husband, I don't think that's okay at all. I understand your thought, but you're looking at focusing on yourself, building up pride for you, not in what you accomplished for your husband. I think doing that is counter productive and actually takes the focus away from you, avoids what you're trying to do by doing something on the surface appears to be about you, but is really making him the focus. Your spreadsheet should be about you only, no one else.
I think it would be an excellent idea for you to see a therapist/counselor to work on your self esteem. I know money's tight. Ask your doctor for a low-income referral, check your state, city or local mental health office for a referral, or check with your county public health, they can direct you to services. It'll be well worth it and I think it's really important for you to do. I also have a book I'd suggest reading, "How Did I Get Here?" by Barbara DeAngelis . I have to admit, this is a book I own but haven't had time to read myself yet. Generally, I wouldn't recommend a book I haven't read (or haven't heard good things about first hand) but this is an author that I've read in the past and I have a tremendous amount of respect for. Check your library to see if they have a copy. I can't impress on you enough Kathy, that a book doesn't take the place of a flesh and blood therapist or counselor. You need to be able to discuss your life, your past and your present with a licensed counselor/therapist, it's very important.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
You say you are a Christian...do you have a pastor you can talk to? Do you get to church? This sounds like it would be something that might be good for you, even just the Sunday service. Someone from the church should be willing to give you a ride to church. My therapist is covered by a generous insurance policy, and I still have a $40 copay. I'm sure you could talk to a pastor for free. Just an idea, I don't know much myself about how churches operate, other than when my father-in-law died of cancer, the pastor was visiting him often.
Josie (just dropped in from another board)
IMO (and in my experience), using a pastor as a therapist can be more harmful. Pastors do have to counsel people as part of their job, but that doesn't mean they're good at it, or even like it; it's simply a course they had to take in theology school and something they may be called upon to do as pastors. What pastors wanted to be was pastors, if they'd wanted to be counselors, they'd have chosen that profession, gone to different schools and gotten those degrees instead. On the other hand, counselors and therapists wanted to be counselors and therapists, it's where their interest is. Counseling and therapy was not *a* course in school, it was the focus of all classes in school. Counselors have to attend a certain amount of continuing education classes yearly (or sometimes over several years depending on their individual state's requirements) in order to maintain their accreditation as a counselor/therapist. Pastors don't need these and therefore often aren't up to date on current counseling practices and thinking.
Take my church's Father John, for instance, an incredible priest, an inspiring, impassioned writer and speaker for the church, but in counseling, he's not so great. He's uncomfortable doing it and doesn't like it, but he does it when he's asked; he's not good at it, but he does it.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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