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| Sun, 02-05-2006 - 10:10pm |
In trying to decide whether or not DH and I have any chance for survival, (and I do believe when you get to that point, you have absolutely nothing to lose by trying), I ordered a book, entitled, "Marriage Fitness" by Mort Fortel. Has anybody read it?
I'm just on chapter 1, so I probably don't need to analyze yet, but the premise is that a marriage CANNOT be based on compatability. Because, as the marriage takes its course from the intial stage of being "in love" to the everyday life, people will find faults where there were none before, therefore become incompatible. Instead, he says, marriage must be based on a "core" connection that transcends and perseveres through the differences.
I'm not yet convinced, but I will continue reading. I just don't see how that can always be accurate.
Just as an example, early last week, I asked DH "What is it going to take for you to be happy in this relationship." His answer? "I need you to help me get back what I lost." Well, I was thinking he meant his self-confidence, his "groove," etc., which I could totally understand. But NO, he explained that he needs me to help him get back (interpret-needs me to pay for) his retirement place and a boat like he used to have (he's only 45, and has a 15-year old and 12-year-old, so it's not like retirement is at the end of the year or anything. I mean, he is in a deep funk about this.
Mind you, he voluntarily sold his retirement place, and paid off the loan that he got to pay his ex-wife his part of their joint debts when they divorced.
I couldn't BELIEVE that's what he thinks will make him happy!! Again today, he said he's going to get a boat and I need to help him figure out how to pay for it. I don't think so! I have one in college, a 16-year-old and an 8-year-old, and basically had to start my retirement fund from zero after my divorce, and want to take the kids on summer vacations, help them with their cars, etc.
So, I'll be interested to see how to "connect at the core" so that incompatabilities like this can be overcome.
More reading to come . . .

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I think you hit the nail on the head.
Thanks again for your feedback. Now I've just gotta talk to DH. Yuck.
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