Looking at Other Women?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Looking at Other Women?
13
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 7:54pm

Hey everyone! I've gotten really great feedback on so many things here, so I wanted to hear some thoughts on this.

I've been with my boyfriend for about 3 years. A little background- he's about 5 years older than I am. He is a very down to earth guy- yet many of my friends and my sisters are not sure why I am with him- soley because of how he looks. I admit, it is incredibly shallow, and I have told them that. They think he is a good looking guy (I think he's gorgeous), but think that I can get a "hotter" guy.

Anyway, whenever we are out, he is always looking at other girls. It doesn't really bother me- but the last time it happened, I was steaming and not to mention a little hurt.

We were on vacation and he was trying on a jacket in a store. I was standing right in front of him, zipping it up and seeing what parts needed to be altered at the store. We were joking around and talking as I was doing this. As I was standing right in front of him, this girl walked behind me and he literally could not take his eyes off of her. I tried to ignore it, but as I was speaking to him- he was totally ignoring me and was following this girl around the store with his eyes.

I know some people may say, get some confidence and ignore it. I really don't think I have any confidence issues. It really bothered me because this girl was wearing loads of makeup, and if her shirt came down a half an inch her whole chest would be exposed.

While we were walking around when we were away, he'd see a pretty girl and he would literally stare at her- a few times he turned his whole body around to look at a girl walking by. I noticed so many women looking at me like "how are you letting him do this." I felt horrible.

I have told him so many times in the past, that I'd really appreciate it if he refrains from doing this in front of me. I just think it's disrespectful to do when you have your girlfriend with you. If I see a gorgeous guy I won't look twice because the last thing I want to do is make him feel like I did.

Whenever I bring it up (and I brought it up after we got home from vacation) he got furious with me and said I have no reason to get mad. He said I have no right to be mad at him for that. I never told him I was mad, I just said it made me feel kind of bad.

Any suggestions? Thank you everyone!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 9:50pm

Your name isn't familiar to me, but you say you've gotten good feedback here before. Did you post under another name?








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 9:55pm
Hi! I didn't mean on this specific board! I have posted on other boards.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 10:03pm

I'm one of those who doesn't think looking is a problem, but I don't believe confidence is a problem in your situation because what he's doing is not looking, IMO. We all look, a glance, perhaps a second glance; attractive people do not cease to exist because we're in relationships, we still notice them. Staring, following with your eyes (and/or your head) is not "looking", it's leering; and not only is it disrespectful to you, it's disrespectful to the girl that's being leered at too.


The disturbing part for me is that he actually gets furious about this. He's not dealing with any kind of sensitivity, caring or respect at all. This throws up a huge red flag for me and makes me think there's more going on with how he handles things, his behavior, etc., than just the leering. Are there other areas that he feels entitled to disrespect women or where he feels entitled to more/better treatment or more than is fair and equal in your relationship? I think there has to be more than this, a nice, mild guy who becomes furious when his girlfriend tells him staring at other women is disrespectful to her doesn't match up. Can you give us more?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 10:06pm

Ah! Gotcha! I'm sitting here wracking my brain, saying, "jkl....", "jkl....". I'll stop now! LOL!








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 10:09pm

I agree 100% with what you said. When men look or "stare" at me I feel like a piece of meat and disrespected. It happens all the time and it is not very fun.

This really is the only thing he gets mad about. He always says "well I don't cheat on you so why is it wrong?" He denies staring at girls he says that he just looks at them. He said it's just what men do.

If I do have a problem, aside from something like this, he does get mad and thinks that I am attacking him. So yes, this problem does persist. But overall, he does end up coming around and claims that he understands my point. This is just something that literally pisses me off!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 10:17pm

<>

If the problem persists then he is not understanding your point. Or he understands it and just doesn't care.

I can say this because so many times DH will say that he "gets" it and then proceed to do what he has always done. It took me years to figure out that he says that only to shut me up and smooth things over. Not because he gets it.

Next time he leers, smack his arm and say "That's not just 'looking'." Then he can be made aware WHILE he's doing it... though whether or not he cares enough to change, I don't know.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 10:20pm

I think he says he gets it just to shut me up, personally! lol

Sometimes I have done that, I'll say "you think she's cute?" jokingly, and he gets pissed at me and says I'm accusing him of something he didn't do.

I guess I'll have to see what happens next time- hopefully there won't be a next time!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 11:55pm

If he gets it but gets furious to shut you up he's not only using anger as a control and redirection mechanism but he's also disrespecting you not only by looking but also by proving that he doesn't care that you feel he's treating you disrespectfully. He's also showing himself to be uncaring about a problem that bothers you. The fact that this is about his staring at women and as such is also disrespectful to the women he stares at strongly indicates he does not view women as being equal (on the same level) with men. That's a huge problem and will carry over into many, many areas.


When you add all that into the other aspect you bring up -- that he gets angry and says you're accusing him of something he didn't do, he's making a pretty loud statement that he'll do whatever he wants, no matter how it makes you feel and no matter that it's distrustful to you and the woman that's his target. Basically, he's saying he's entitled to do whatever he wants and your feelings and respect don't matter one bit. The bottom line here is you can't win and he's always right, period. I don't know about you, but respect and being equal partners is pretty important to me.


The only other possibility I can think of is maybe your timing? Do you always talk to him about it when it's happened or have you ever brought the subject up for discussion at a time when it's not a problem, there's been no incident and there isn't a current problem between you? If it's only being brought up when it's a current issue he might feel defensive and as a result not be able to consider the issue from any standpoint other than defense mode. If you've not brought this up to talk about when everything's good, I highly recommend it. When bringing it up, do it when you're alone and comfortable, and when you've got plenty of time to talk, being on a time limit won't be good. Start it by telling him you have a problem that you really need his help with. That'll put him in listening/helping mode instead of defense mode. Be careful how you word what you say; making him feel defensive will no help. Here are some really good articles on constructive arguing that might help you bring it up and keep your talk on a positive, constructive vein:
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember


For what it's worth, he's right *all* men look -- so do *all* women. But staring, continuing to follow someone with your eyes is not looking, it's leering. It's not only disrespectful, but to the target woman it's intimidating, causes her to feel uncomfortable and somewhat threatened. You might try doing some staring of your own next time you're out together. When he objects, use his same lines, same tone, same demeanor back on him. He might just get it. But, I have to tell you, if talking or a little of the same treatment doesn't get results, I personally couldn't stay with someone who held me and women in general with such disrespect.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 1:15am

Thank you SO much for all of that. I really am going to try and bring it up when there are absolutely no problems- just like you said.

If he can't understand how it makes me feel and if he continues to do it, I'm done. I can't be with someone who will completely not care about my feelings. This has put a lot in perspective for me- thank you so much :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 1:45am

Best of luck, Jkl2006, I hope you're successful. Let us know how it goes when you do talk.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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