Looking at Other Women?
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 03-30-2006 - 7:54pm |
Hey everyone! I've gotten really great feedback on so many things here, so I wanted to hear some thoughts on this.
I've been with my boyfriend for about 3 years. A little background- he's about 5 years older than I am. He is a very down to earth guy- yet many of my friends and my sisters are not sure why I am with him- soley because of how he looks. I admit, it is incredibly shallow, and I have told them that. They think he is a good looking guy (I think he's gorgeous), but think that I can get a "hotter" guy.
Anyway, whenever we are out, he is always looking at other girls. It doesn't really bother me- but the last time it happened, I was steaming and not to mention a little hurt.
We were on vacation and he was trying on a jacket in a store. I was standing right in front of him, zipping it up and seeing what parts needed to be altered at the store. We were joking around and talking as I was doing this. As I was standing right in front of him, this girl walked behind me and he literally could not take his eyes off of her. I tried to ignore it, but as I was speaking to him- he was totally ignoring me and was following this girl around the store with his eyes.
I know some people may say, get some confidence and ignore it. I really don't think I have any confidence issues. It really bothered me because this girl was wearing loads of makeup, and if her shirt came down a half an inch her whole chest would be exposed.
While we were walking around when we were away, he'd see a pretty girl and he would literally stare at her- a few times he turned his whole body around to look at a girl walking by. I noticed so many women looking at me like "how are you letting him do this." I felt horrible.
I have told him so many times in the past, that I'd really appreciate it if he refrains from doing this in front of me. I just think it's disrespectful to do when you have your girlfriend with you. If I see a gorgeous guy I won't look twice because the last thing I want to do is make him feel like I did.
Whenever I bring it up (and I brought it up after we got home from vacation) he got furious with me and said I have no reason to get mad. He said I have no right to be mad at him for that. I never told him I was mad, I just said it made me feel kind of bad.
Any suggestions? Thank you everyone!

Pages
::As I was standing right in front of him, this girl walked behind me and he literally could not take his eyes off of her. I tried to ignore it, but as I was speaking to him- he was totally ignoring me and was following this girl around the store with his eyes.
::While we were walking around when we were away, he'd see a pretty girl and he would literally stare at her- a few times he turned his whole body around to look at a girl walking by.
::Whenever I bring it up (and I brought it up after we got home from vacation) he got furious with me and said I have no reason to get mad. He said I have no right to be mad at him for that.
I don't care how old he is, he's immature. You are right it IS disrespectful - to you and to the woman he's GAWKING at.
Seven Signs You Should Run From Your Partner (#2 really applies to your situation)
By Rinatta Paries
The relationship questions asked most frequently are all basically the same. First people will explain certain undesirable behaviors their partners are displaying. Then they'll ask whether they should tolerate these behaviors or whether they are making too big an issue of them.
There are, in fact, certain behaviors that should not be tolerated because they damage and will eventually destroy the relationship.
If you are in a brand-new relationship and your partner exhibits one or some of the behaviors below, you may want to consider walking away. If you stay, you may be getting much more trouble, headache and heartache then you bargained for.
If you are in a committed relationship and are invested in staying, or if you are planning to get engaged or married soon and some of these behaviors show up, try to work through them. Since you have already invested time, effort and your heart into the relationship, the relationship may be strong enough to withstand the necessary change. But hold off on making a deeper commitment to each other until the issues are resolved. Commitment and marriage tend to make issues worse rather than better.
Finally, if you are married, you probably want to do everything possible to save your marriage. If the two of you are dealing with any of the issues below, the most effective way of overcoming them is with outside expert help.
1. Excessive Flirtation
People in committed relationships, even in early committed relationships, should not be flirting with others in a way that makes their partner uncomfortable.
Here is the measuring stick: If your partner tells you about the flirting or you witness your partner flirting and neither of you flinches, the flirtation is OK. Otherwise it is not and you should be rightly bothered. This is, of course, assuming that you are not overly insecure and that you do not view any interaction your partner has with others as flirting.
2. Man/Woman Watching
Some discreet man/woman watching may occasionally be OK. But when it is blatant and intrusive, it becomes a relationship problem. You are not too sensitive if this bothers you. You should not have to learn to get over this and you should not have to learn to tolerate this behavior.
3. Infidelity
Unless you have a workable open-marriage agreement with your partner, you absolutely should not tolerate infidelity. There is simply no excuse for it. Alcohol, loneliness, anger, etc., are not good reasons to get involved with other people when you are in a relationship.
4. Another Relationship
OK, I know people get involved with those who are already in another relationship with the hope that they will "win" and the other relationship will end. But in reality this seldom happens. If you are involved in this kind of a relationship, perhaps it's time to give your partner an ultimatum. Set a drop-the-relationship-date by which your partner will willingly release the other relationship or you.
5. Romantic Contact From Other People
Why would someone in a relationship be getting phone calls, mail or e-mail of a romantic nature from other people? And why would the other person in the relationship tolerate this?
I think often it is because the partner somehow does not place responsibility for what's happening where it belongs -- squarely on the shoulders of the person who is receiving the communication.
If communication is ongoing, it is not accidental or victimization; it is invited and your partner is getting something out of it. To avoid a surge of feedback from those of you who may disagree with this point, let me say that there are now many easy ways to block unwanted communication, both on regular phones, cell phones and e-mail.
You are not too sensitive to feel threatened and to wonder if you are about to lose the relationship or be cheated on. Both may happen next.
6. Frequent Reactive or Angry Behaviors
Almost everyone has a frustrated moment, day or even a week. Life can get very hectic and stressful at times. But, if your partner is reactive or angry most of the time, for an extended period of time, this may just be the way he or she is.
If the two of you have repeatedly tried to problem-solve and yet nothing seems to cool the reactiveness and anger, you may want to ask yourself if you want this on ongoing basis.
7. 'It's All Your Fault'
Every relationship has issues or problems that need to be discussed. For some this happens sooner rather than later. But make no mistake -- this happens in every relationship. In fact, problems are an inherent part of being in a relationship.
However, if your partner categorically refuses to acknowledge and deal with his or her contribution to the problem and instead says in one way or another that it's all your fault, you have a serious problem on your hands. How will you move on and build a deeper relationship if your current problems cannot be resolved?
You are not pushy to ask your partner to deal with what needs to be dealt with. You have every right to ask for an active partner in a relationship.
Carrie
Hi:
IMHO, I think your boyfriend is being incredibly rude and insensitive. I am very fortunate in that my boyfriend does not look at other women, when I am with him..or, he never let's me see him do it anyway. And believe me, I've checked his look when a pretty woman has walked by and he doesn't give her a second glance...while I'm there anyway :)
I don't doubt that he will check out porn and magazines, but he is very discreet about it. He has some pinups in the garage, and I would never show my insecurity by asking him to remove them. He used to have a very small calendar with bikini-clad girls in his office in our house, but he stopped using that one once I moved, and I believe this is out of respect for me.
But I have to say this, once we've shown our insecurity about another woman, we give HER the power. Now that it's out and you've tried to discuss it with him, if he doesn't do if for you, it would appear that it's all about and only about him.
Good luck
withclarity
Been there believe me. Me and my guy have been dating four years now and i understand exactly what your going through. I believe that i am a very confident being myself so i tried to take the high road and not say anything_BAD IDEA, in the long run talking 2 1/2 yrs my confidence began to leak, i'm proud you didn't make the same mistake as i did. Gradually after 2 1/2 yrs of our relationship I spoke up and brought to his attention how it made me feel,he totally felt bad about it cause he didn't think i noticed....cluless?????? anyway i actually made a copromise. First you have to know MEN are VERY visual creatures, after that you give him the okay do it when your not around and when you are around to try his hardest to refrain from such disrespect <<<
~Stay Nice~
ironbutterfly
Pages