lost, need help PLEASE

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
lost, need help PLEASE
6
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 11:23pm
I have been lurking here for a year now. I am torn and miserable and dont know what to do. My problem is that I dont know what the problem is. I have been married for more than 2 years, and have known my husband for 7. We were doing long distance for 2 years before we married, and after our marriage I moved here to go to grad school. I dont remember ever being blissfully happy with J. We always had issues. I changed myself and the way I envisaged life, in order to be with him. I dont know what a good relationship is supposed to be like. I dont even know whether I have a good relationship and I am a brat and expect too much , or whether we truly have a bad relationship. I dont know whether there is a problem or whether there is something wrong with me.. Maybe I have never learned to be happy? My mother was mean to me while I was growing up and I had a tumultous relationship with my parents through college. Now we get along fine, but I see some of the behavioral traits of my mother in me. The yelling, saying nasty obnoxious things. Being exacting about things like washing dishes.. complaining. I hate myself, but I cant seem to stop doing it. What I dont know is whether i do these because J really isnt a good husband, and I am truly unhappy, or whether I am just screwed up and expect too much of him.
We are both in grad school getting our Phds. I dont have time for this. Neither does he. We dont have time or energy to fight like this and I am tired of crying every day and throwing myself into work in order to escape. Can anyone help? What is a normal happy life and a normal happy marriage? I dont even think I know one. How do you know when your marriage is happy? How much compromise is normal? Is crying every few weeks normal? Am I just spoiled? Maybe I am because I can see traits of my mother in me, and I know that she is spoiled... Or am I just with the wrong person who cant give me what I want.
I'm sorry for this stupid post.. I am totally incoherent. Do reply if you can.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 3:11am

Huge hugs, Ingie2004, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You've done more than lurk here, you posted a reply to another poster about your experience in your LDR with your husband a little over a year ago. It's nice to know you've been lurking, and it's great to see you back again, though I'm sorry you're feeling so lost and miserable.


I think you've pinpointed the likely root culprit in your behavior -- your childhood. Children learn what they live and from what you're saying, you see a lot of your mother's behavior in you. It's a good thing when it comes in the form of traits we like and admire, but when it's traits we didn't like then and don't like or approve of now, what an awful realization! You're far from alone, if that makes you feel any better (and I doubt it does, much anyway). I completely hear you to in the "we don't have time for this" department. Drama and turmoil, I can live without.


You've got all the right elements, you realize where it comes from, which is an important step in beginning the process, you don't like it in yourself and want to stop it/change it. That's the kind of motivation that's necessary to make the change actually happen. What you need now is a good therapist to help you take a look at the lessons you learned as a child, process them, relearn/unlearn and so much more so that you can leave that behind and be who you want to be. With the realizations and motivation you have going in, I wouldn't be at all surprised if the process is a lot faster than you might anticipate it being. I think it's the obvious step for you to take and I think you'll be incredibly happier (and relieved) with yourself and your situation (your husband probably will be too) once you get started.


I think once you get these issues resolved in yourself the questions you ask will be automatically answered. You're not bad or spoiled or anything else, and yours was not a stupid post; you're just messed up from having a faulty example to learn from. I hope you get started in therapy soon, you deserve the peace and happiness you'll find as a result. I know I did. Huge hugs, Ingie. You'll get there, and fairly easily, I think - you just need the appropriate help to get you there.


Let us know how you're doing, will you?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown



Edited 4/13/2006 3:20 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2005
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 4:43pm
I just wanted to add my agreement that therapy is the right move. It can be scary to think about doing, but sooooo rewarding when you get there. I also want to let you know you have my understanding and my support. This is something you can work through and resolve. Big hugs, Ingie.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 7:20pm
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Edited 4/13/2006 7:32 pm ET by plainjane95
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 9:50pm
Grad school is also very stressful to a relationship, especially if you are in different fields. It is hard enough to explain your research to people who know what you're trying to do. Explaining it from the ground up to someone who's deeply involved in his own research is a recipe for frustration and resentment. Going to counseling could be exactly what you need to put everything in your life into focus and help you determine how to cope. Good luck! Let us know how things go for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 10:02am
Thanks everyone for your advice. I made an appointment for next friday afternoon. I spoke to a counsellor when I went to make the appointment and she said that we should try couple's counselling also, if the copay isnt too high.
The very fact that I went ahead and made an appointment meant so much to my husband that he's been extra nice to me. He said that he's humbled and grateful to me for doing this.
I knew I had to do this, for myself and to save our marriage, but I had to hear it from you all. I dont want to do it, especially since the center is so close to my department, but I know I have to. It is nice to know that I'm not the only one who's gone through this. I will keep you guys updated.
Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 2:53pm

Great move, Ingie2004! As you've seen, taking that step speaks volumes to your husband in that you're willing to take take real action to resolve your problems. I don't know of anything you can do that would show him as much.


I understand your apprehension, I've dreaded going to therapy myself, but I think, like me you'll soon find yourself not only not bothered by people seeing you head off to therapy, you'll be more than comfortable announcing to anyone that you're in therapy. The positive results you'll find there will turn this *dreaded* experience into a very positive one.


I'm so glad you've taken this step and I look forward to hearing your updates!







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"