Lost.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Lost.....
12
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 10:52am

I'm new here so let me first give an intro.. My name is Tiffani Im 27 and have been married now for 8 years and have 3 wonderful children.

I feel lost and don't know what to do. I'm going to start way way back so bare with me I really need some advise to my marriage.

I met my husband on a blind date while in highschool he was already out of school were 4 years apart. Things were good at first but I started to feel left out of friends. I tried to break off the relationship and it did not work. DH before married would stalk me after I tried to break it off. He even went and changed my mail address so he could get my mail...I was writing to a guy I met in the navy. Well he bugged and bugged me. My mom even called his father at one point about all of this. Well, we ended up working things out and I got pg. while a senior in school. So instead of planning a grad party I was planning a wedding. The wedding was wonderful and better than I could have ever expected. We have been together since.

4 years into our marriage he had an affair with a co-worker which I had become friends with, we all lived in the same appt building, after finding out I forgave him and we moved. I feel now that was my exit out of this marriage and I did not take it.

Things have been good again up until 1 year ago. I have to listen to his comments and I guess that bothers me the most.
He has been a great provider to me and our 3 children and I would never second guess that. Maybe that's why I'm still here. I don't know.
DS#1 is 9 now and loves to dance he is taking lessons and DH has never went to a lesson to watch. Last night I suggested that he take him so he could watch and he turned it down. So I suggested we all go and drop him off and the rest of us would go to dinner and return to watch. Upon getting out of the car it seemed more like a chore for DH. He was moaning about going and made a comment that DS#1 is gay for dancing. That hit me like a ton of bricks and I told him to stay in the car if it was that mush trouble going to watch his son do something that he loves to do. I also told him I would support ds in anything he wanted to do.
The drive home I tried to make conversation about a friend of mine having trouble with her taxes and he said I could care less about your friend and her taxes. Upon this I asked him why he is always so negative and complains about things all the time and he told me that he is like this because I annoy him and that maybe he will find a place to live. I know he would never do that and I told him so.
All these years I just feel are a waste and I'm tired of living like this but I don't have the courage to leave him. I am laid off of work and he is the soul provider. My friend told me that if her husband talked to her like that she would be in tears. I never cry over the comments because I guess I'm just used to it and I know that it's not normal. Am I weak or does that make me strong? I feel that this has went on so long that I just blow it off. How much more longer can I stand of this is the question I always ask myself. I will always love him but I'm not in love with him and I think he feels the same. Another question I always ask is would I really be happier without him. Does anyone else feel like this? We do not have a sex life. I have been turning him down because of the way I feel and when I do give in it's for his pleasure only so whay do I even bother.
We are living a life that is normal to us because it has went on to long and were just used to it. I know this is long to thanks for reading if you made it to the end. I guess it's been all bottled up inside for to long. Any help would be great. Thanks ahead, Tiffani

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
In reply to: tiffani06021977
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 11:54am
You've clearly had your doubts from day one with this man. Is it normal? Well, for you it is. My mother comes up with some of the most "knock me on my butt" comments and last night, she said to me - "A familiar misery is better than an unknown misery". We were talking about why a friend had chose to go back to her marriage instead of going through with the divorce (and a better life, I might add). It's true. It's those unfamiliar demons that scare the hell out of us. Just from what you said in your post, and knowing who I am and what I personally would stand for (after having backed down from all the WRONG things to stand for), I would say, in a heaven's heartbeat, to go. I have to put my usual disclaimer in though, because there are many people who believe that you stay no matter what....I am in no way an advocate for walking away from a generally healthy marriage. I absolutely believe in marriage and I believe in doing the hard work it takes to make a marriage work; HOWEVER, I have a huge problem with total dysfunction, denial, excuses, justifications or any other way of dealing with a hopeless situation. I've been there and done it....the only thing I ever got was older, albeit wiser at times, too. Walking away is NOT the easy way out. Making a choice and then running with it, with no looking back in terms of second-guessing your decision, is very powerful. I know 2nd Life will stress how important it is for your children to see the right way of doing things, so I'll leave that to her. But let me say this: for your son to want to broaden his horizons by dancing or painting or climbing mountains or fighting bulls in Spain speaks volumes about his strengths and willingness to grow as a human. Under no circumstances would I allow anyone to dissuade my child from doing whatever it is he wanted to do. My 15 year old has gone from wanting to be a bullrider (thank God that was a short-lived phase) to a civil engineer and this week, he wants to be a lineman for the power company because, in his words, it's "way cool to be up in those buckets." We live in the South....I have taught him to 2-step, 3-step, swing, waltz and a few line dances that he thought was "happenin'". Does he dance now? No. But....that kid has got the confidence to ask a girl to dance at his prom and he'll make me so proud when he waltzes across the dance floor with his bride one day. I know exactly what you mean by loving him but not being in love with him. It's normal. It's exactly how I felt about my ex-husband. You know the saying about there being a thin line between love and hate? I have that balancing act down to a science. It used to drive me ballistic trying to figure out how I could hate someone and love him at the same time. It wasn't until I walked away that I realized the hate was for his behavior and then I realized he hates himself far more than I ever could. This was my second husband....he was good with my son and to my son and, when he was around and not fishing himself out of a liquor or beer bottle, he was good to me. It was absolutely not enough and not acceptable. Not now and not ever again. It's not the end of the world. In a lot of ways, my life is beginning and at a time that I never dreamed it would be. When we're nineteen, twenty years old, we just somehow have it in our heads that we'd better make it count "right now" or else we're going to be old and gray in five years and it'll be too late. Lord, what I'd have given to know what I know now back then. There's a difference in "alone" and "lonely" and I have a feeling that if you do decide to walk away from this, you'll realize you're alot less lonely AWAY from him than you were WITH him. You'll find self-confidence you never knew you had and were never allowed to develop because you met him so young and he took control immediately and it's been that way ever since. Laid off? Not a problem....go find another job. I remember having to work three when my son was less than six months old after I'd left my first husband. I missed out on alot of his "firsts", but in my heart of hearts, I know I did the right thing. Step outside the box.....you may realize things you never had considered before.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tiffani06021977
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 12:51pm

Tiffany,
Realize that he didn't want you as his wife because he loved, admired, respected, trusted, appreciated, and accepted you as an individual. You represented "something" that he wanted....and I suspect that he could bully you into submission was it. He wanted someone that he could do whatever he wanted - and they'd be guaranteed to "take it" - because they weren't going to go out and make something of themselves as an independent and self-defined adult.

That's not a slam...it's just that as hard as you "tried' to get away -and i've been there -you submitted to his stalking (while obviously still having desired contact as you ended up pregnant) which had nothing to do with love for you and said "okay, rather than hide forever (which was your interpretion of a solution) I'll submit and be yours to do with as you wish". And he has....that's why he's with you. That's why he doesn't consider your needs, thoughts, feelings, or beliefs when deciding what he's going to do.

So, you've gone along doing what other people thought you should, wanting what other people said to want...and tolerating whatever it is they do thinking "something will change someday".

It won't...the best indicator of future action is past action. And values, standards, goals, and needs justify and entitle us all individually to every action, decision, word, idea, thought, feeling and desire that we have. In short, nobody thinks they're doing anything "wrong"....so much as sometimes they think "people didn't respond right to what I thought was my right to do."

So, if you want out...you can get out. Obviously, he might fight it - but he might not. You'lll get out and be a single parent, raising your children, not relying on him for support or input or assistance, you'll have to deal with him in terms of those are his children and if he chooses to parent - he can. Getting very concrete orders of visitation and support will limit nd minimize the choas that he brings to your life as his ex- when availing himself of his parental right.

What's critical to delineate is the feelings vs. the facts. Your feelings are a result of your self-esteem in alliance with your needs/goals/expectations - as a result of situations. so your feelings, while they count and must be acknowledged, aren't something that you're going to rely on as facts, goals, calls to action, or to tell you what to do in situations to get your desired results. Feelings aren't tools of cognition.

Your "dilemma" is one easily solved....and thus it is easily overlooked as asolution. What you don't want obviously...and nobody does - is to be a single parent, be solely responsible for parenting these kids, changing your tires, working 40 hours a week, paying your bills, and doing all that comes with that. In just brief review you go "oh my gosh, when would I ever have a moment for and to myself?" True...but you haven't got that now either...and those that you do have are spent in worry and anger and resentment about "your life as it is".

You can't change him. His values justify his actions and determine his character...You can change you.

So, you do need a full-time job, with a living arrangement with your folks or on your own, that allows you convenient access to child care. You can research your options. And an option worth talking to is your local women's shelter. There is usually a list there of attorney's who handle the legal proceedings of divorce for women in your situation - which if you wanted to today, you probably would be admited to one of those facilities. He's been violent in the past, you have no means by wich to get out on your own financially, and you have children that are in the line of fire. But getting those names of attorneys who could represent you at a lesser fee would allow you to go and talk with the free consultation to an attorney that would apprise you of your rights, and what you're up against legally in terms of facts.

Being a single parent isn't nearly as hard as being a neglected, abused, dismissed spouse and mother. Been there, done that.

If I can help, let me know.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
In reply to: tiffani06021977
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 4:11pm
Thank you both for your words. I find alot of what you both had to say very true. I have now talked to my mother about what has been going on for the first time. She told me that I don't have to stay here in this marriage and told me that I could do it. Also told me that she did it with her first husband with 4 children and moved them out of state. If I do go I will not go far and I don't want to move my children from their schools and friends. ds#2 is in a special needs pre-school and I would feel bad moving him from that. I spoke to dh this afternoon and asked him if the words he spoke last night were how he really felt and he said yes. I asked once again why he felt that way and to help me understand it and I got the reply that he feels like the back burner that he is left out because I am never home. I told him that I am gone 2 nights a week one of those days is to take our son to his lessons. That, that could not be the reason that he feels I annoy him. The other night I go with my son's friends mom to dance lessons. I finally found something that will get me out of the house for one night a week without my children and he does not like it. I danced for 14 years before I met him and quit after I met him to be his wife and to raise our children. I felt that one night a week is not going to kill anyone while I am gone for 3 hours and he could spend some quality time with his children. I love dancing. I wonder if he could be joulous of that. I don't know. I also asked if he wanted to move out or me move out and he said no. He asked me what I want him to do and I told him that only he could change himself not me. So we plan to talk when he gets home from work. I just feel like why wait around and give him a chance again. At the same time I feel quilty and I don't know why. I will post later with an update, thanks again to the both of you. Tiffani
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
In reply to: tiffani06021977
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 4:47pm
Let me point something out that I'm sure you're already aware of, but you may just want to keep this in mind. With men like your husband, they tend to play the victim when their wives finally decide to take steps toward some degree of independence. Suddenly, it becomes, "Why would leave me? Haven't I provided for you and the kids? You must be cheating. You must be hiding things." For me, and there was alot of physical violence in my first marriage, but up until I left, it was the proverbial "one step forward and two steps back" situation. There were times I'd actually think that his crying symbolized a major breakthrough of some sort. Yeah, right. You know, it's so predictable....they play the victim and do the whole "poor me" act, then they play the martyr with the whole "I did everything I could to make her happy. I guess it wasn't enough." to anyone who'll listen and THEN they show their true colors.....they get pissed. It sounds as though this may be the first time you've actually approached him with a "I've had a bellyfull" attitude. I could be wrong, it's just kind of a sense I'm getting from your posts. Just something to kind of keep in the back of your mind while you're talking tonight. Expect the whole realm of emotions....and emotions that you'll may be seeing for the first time out of him. Let me say one more thing, too. It's not your fault he's feeling as though he's on the back burner. Common sense would tell us that if we're feeling a little left out ESPECIALLY with our spouse and kids, we need to get up and participate. Is he waiting for an engraved invitation? He needs to realize that he's either part of this family and contributing in a positive way or he can STAY on the back burner. It's all about priorities. These are decisions only he can make and hopefully, he'll make the right ones for the right reasons. He doesn't have to be a husband to be a good father, right? Should it come to the two of you splitting up, ideally, he'll walk away with some lessons learned and will be man enough to apply them to the relationships with his little ones. And yes....do keep us posted. Good luck and keep your faith!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tiffani06021977
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 1:36am

Tiffani, I agree with everything that's been said here. Both Cat5cane and Doubleblade gave you very good advice. On that note, I also agree with Cat5cane's response to your update. I may be wrong, and please correct me if I am -- you gave examples of one or two incidents in your marriage, his attitude, his responses, etc., maybe the attitude and the way he treats you in what you described were unusual for him, but I got the definite feeling that this was pretty much the way it was day after day. Is that correct or was what you describe not usual for him. If it's not usual, could you give an explanation of what is typical for your relationship and his actions/responses in it? Until I hear differently from you, I'm going to write my response based on the assumption that what you've said is pretty much the way it always is. If you come back and tell my my assumption was wrong, I'll revise my thinking.




The very first thing that screams "big trouble" is that he stalked you. This isn't normal Tiffani and it's not acceptable. Someone who would do that is someone who is advertising huge emotional problems. When you consider that, I think it's not surprising at all that your marriage has been largely unhappy and unsatisfying for you. It's hard to have a happy, healthy life with a man who is dysfunctional, emotionally unsound and bordering on abusive behavior. It sounds like clear back when you were dating your husband tried to isolate you from friends. That's controlling behavior and that's not okay; in fact, it's considered abuse. He moved on to more intrusive, irrational behavior in stalking. Again. Tiffani, none of this speaks to a emotionally healthy person. Honestly? The word "dangerous" comes to mind. The fact that after telling your mother how things have been she encourages you to leave tells me what you've described aren't one-time things. I really doubt that your mother would encourage you to leave a good, healthy marriage. I'm sure if these were issues that should be or could be worked out she'd encourage you to do that. I doubt she's interested in seeing you divorced just for the heck of it. I think you should put very strong stock into what your mother said and what she encouraged you to do. She sees the relationship at a better angle than you and much clearer than we do. When you consider we believe this to be a relationship that you should end and your own mother thinks the same, that should tell you that there is every reason to leave.




I strongly agree with what Cat5cane has said to your update. It sounds as if what your husband has said is completely opposite to anything he's said in the past. It also sounds like his wanting to try, being interested in making this work is the first "attempt" he's made at caring about how you feel, what you want or making the marriage equal, happy or even considering any such notion. I think after eight years of an attitude that's been opposite of what he's saying today you have no reason to expect that what he's saying is anything more than talk. Do you really believe that after eight years of the same behavior he's going to turn around and be different because he knows your unhappy? Don't you think that the past eight years have pretty clearly shown you what his personality, his character, and his feelings, belief, caring and compassion are? Do you think he can change that? I suspect that you know that people's character and personality really aren't subject to change. He's acted as he believes is correct for these past eight years, that's not going to change. On the aspect of his changing because he knows you're unhappy, are you saying he hasn't known you've been unhappy this entire time? Does he not know you've wanted more, missed life, and basically have had no life all this time? In these eight years he's not been blind, he's clearly seen what life is like and he knows you've been unhappy, right? So, if he's known you've been unhappy and unsatisfied all these years and hasn't cared enough to make any kind of change, what makes you think he'd really do it now? Like Cat5cane has said, all he's interested in is smoothing things over with you, just enough for you to think things are going to be different. He's giving you a little hope and a reason to hang on for a little while longer. He doesn't' want to change, he just wants to keep you there. He's feeding you the words you want to hear so that you'll have hope and stay. Once you decide to stay, you're stuck again; it'll take a good long while before you get another bellyful, and get the courage, the drive and ambition to again decide to leave. He's appeasing you, he's not changing. It's like telling a restless child that we'll be home "soon" even though you're miles away. It stops you from acting up, it quiets you and it keeps you there.




Why do you feel guilty? That's easy. Because you've never done what you wanted this whole time. You've sacrificed for him, for your children and for your marriage. You've done everything for everyone and nothing for yourself. You've sorely missed some things that were very important to you, but you buckled down and went without for everyone else. It doesn't feel "right" or "normal" to you to do anything that you feel is "for you". You haven't done that for years! It's something that you've programmed yourself to believe you're not worthy of, you're not entitled to. It feels selfish to you. Considering ending a marriage isn't easy, it's a scary thought -- as you've demonstrated with your worries about your lack of employment. You don't know what "the other side" might be like, and that's a scary thought. You know what this is like, it's hell, but at least you know what to expect. Like Cat5cane said, being out of this will be so much better, but you won't know that until you're there. Thinking of your kids makes leaving harder too; though in some ways it should make it easier too. Yes, your kids will be upset and it will make you feel guilty and may make you doubt ending it, at least I know it did me. But the fact is, kids don't know what's best for them, they're kids, we're they're caretakers, it's up to us to see that what happens to them is the very best thing for them, and in your situation, leaving is absolutely the best thing for them. Your life, your marriage, your home is the only view your children have of what a typical, normal home is and how married people interact with each other. They are getting an eyeful every day of what transpires and they see this as how men and women behave, what they do in a marriage, as mothers and fathers, as husbands and wives. Boys will pattern what they do after your husband and they'll expect their wives to behave as you do. If you have girls, they'll pattern themselves after you and will look for a husband "just like Daddy". Even if they hate him they'll look for him. Know why? Because they're watching you, learning their roles. Maybe they'd rather have a nice, healthy, caring, loving relationship, but they won't know how to act in a normal, healthy, caring, loving relationship. It'll feel uncomfortable and out of place for them. Now a guy like dad, they'll fit like a puzzle piece to. They know how to act and react, they'll know what's expected of them and they'll know how the game is played. You and your husband are your children's teachers. Your home is their place of learning. You're providing the blueprint of how they should proceed with their own lives. Is this what you want for them? Do you want your children to grow up and replicate your lives? You think "the cycle of abuse" is the only cycle? Every way of living, healthy or dysfunctional is a cycle. The kids learn it as they live it and observe it and they go on to take over the roles they've been taught. You can teach them happy, healthy roles or you can teach them dysfunction. Whatever you live is what they'll learn. "Children learn what they live." If you want them to have the same life you have then by all means stay. If you want them to have something different, you'll have to teach them different by example. You can teach them about happy, healthy, sharing, loving on your own. You can't teach them that living with your husband. You can teach them about fair, respect and having happy, healthy relationships on your own, but you can't teach them that with your husband. Leaving feels selfish? Consider this: you'll also be teaching your kids that you matter. And in teaching them that you matter to yourself, you're teaching them the power and the value of caring about themselves. You allow them to believe they matter by watching you show that you matter to yourself. When I left my husband, my son was devastated. I felt sooo horrible. The poor guy cried himself to sleep calling out for Daddy, tell me that doesn't tear you to shreds, especially when you know it's "your fault" that this is happening. Within a week - no joke - my kids were more relaxed, happier and obviously loving life more. I hadn't even realized they were affected by any of it, but clearly they were very affected. My son and my daughter have had the opportunity to grow up in a loving, happy, sensible, caring and respectful environment. If I'd stayed in my marriage, they'd not have had that opportunity. I'd have continued to do "damage control" trying to unteach what they were getting from my husband, our marriage and our home life.




I also know about the fear of ending a marriage when you're unemployed. I had two children and had been a stay-at-home mom for eight years when I asked my husband to leave. I had no job, no job prospect and didn't have a clue who would consider hiring me after such a long time out of the workforce. At one time I worked four part-time jobs because I couldn't find full-time employment and needed to keep food on the table. It was hard, many times it was scary (money wise) but never, not once, not even for a second did I ever regret my decision to end it, nor did I wish I had it back. Ending it was like a million pounds going off my shoulders. It's been nine years now and I can still remember how incredible it felt. Life was hard but I loved every second of it. When you step out into freedom the air smells sweeter, the sky is bluer. Sounds corny, but I tell you, it's true.




You have to know that expecting one night a week for yourself is far from unreasonable. In a healthy, respectful, partnership based marriage partners are caring and thoughtful to each other's needs. Being considerate and caring for your partner's wants, needs and desires is a normal part of everyday life, and getting out on your own is a big part of that.




Honestly, I'm worried about your safety. Have you ever felt concerned about what he'd do or thought he might be violent? Please let me know, okay? I'll be checking for your update. Reread Cat5cane and Doubleblade's responses, they were both very intelligent, sensible responses. Take care of yourself, Tiffani; it's time that you did.

~ cl-2nd_life


"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tiffani06021977
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 1:37am

Great post, Doubleblade. Really incredible.

~ cl-2nd_life


"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tiffani06021977
Fri, 02-04-2005 - 6:52am

Something else to think about, along with the excellent advice above. In order for you to be independent, you need job skills in a field where there is some money to be made. You have worked, and that's a good start.

There are some very good, stable, reasonably high paying jobs out there that require training, but not a 4-year college degree. Be very careful, because some of those training programs advertised in TV and the internet are a rip-off. Rather, contact your local community college and go in and see their admissions people. Often, these schools have contacts in the local business community. They will know what needs local businesses have and can give you some options for training that have a good chance of getting you a job as soon as you're done. They also have inexpensive day care available.

Also, you don't have to move into a women's shelter to use their services. Call them. They'll send someone out to talk to you and tell you the truth about what to expect if you leave your husband (and put you in touch with those inexpensive/free attorneys as well).

If you have family you can live with or who can help with day care or other support - that's great. Use them. If not, understand that you will have no trouble STAYING in your present home with the kids while your husband lives elsewhere and pays the rent/mortgage. Curts look to limit the disruption to the kids. Having them stay in their home with you is viewed as the most desireable option.

But the first thing you need to do is DECIDE that you're going to change your life into something that makes you happy. Not only will YOU benefit, so will your KIDS! Seeing you as a confident, independent, capable, happy person is better for them than watching you be manipulated and disrespected by your husband. Your kids are learning about life from watching you. Your daughter(s) are learning how a man is SUPPOSED to treat his lover/wife and they will expect (allow) the men in their lives to do the same. Your son is learning how to treat women from his father.

Is this what you want for your kids?

You don't have to do this all at once. But START today. Make some calls.

Lee M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tiffani06021977
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 9:02pm

Tiffani, how did the talk with your husband go?

~ cl-2nd_life


"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
In reply to: tiffani06021977
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 12:26am
I can't even begin to tell you guys how much I enjoy reading all of your post for your suport and advise that you have given me. Things at home have been quiet for the moment.
The talk went better than expected. He explained to me that he does not know why he say's things the way he does. He said when he's at work he's a total different person that when he come's home it's when he changes. I told him he needs to find out the reason for the change. I asked him If he loved me and if he was in love with me and he said yes. He asked the same in return and I answered the truth for once. I told him I love him and always will that at times I'm not In love with him because he push's me away by the way he treats me. Make any sense? He did not like that response and said he was not going to listen that he had heard it all but I persisted on him to talk with me and he said that he would try to better himself. Things were quiet over the weekend. Tonight I got out and met up with my dance group for a lesson and dance. When I came home he was mad that I was not home when I said I would be, I ended up staying for the whole thing. I confronted him again on the issues and he replyed that I was waiting for him to blow up so I would have an excuse to leave. I started to think maybe that is what I'm doing, I don't know. I'm now not worried about moving out with the kids I will have lots of support from family and friends and a place to live about a 1/2 hr from home in a different school district. If anything were to happen I would let my kids finish out the school year then switch them even if that means driving them back and forth. Some of you have mentioned do I feel threats. I don't feel that way but it does not mean it has never happened. Once in this past year he did over the fact that I made a mistake and overdrew one of his checking acounts. I left with my kids and spent the night at a friends house only to return the next day while he was at work. I really feel that I have seen the light now and 1 error on his part and I'm gone. There's no reason for me to have to feel this way or put my kids through anything else. You ladies don't even know how your little words through the internet have been able to help me through these tuff times and I'm so greatfull for that. So THANK YOU to all of you. I will keep posting on here because I know that one day I will need more support than ever. It's a feeling I have that I will one day be free from all of this if he can't follow through with his end of the agreement. Thanks again,Tiffani
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: tiffani06021977
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 1:20am

Hey Tiffani! I'm glad you posted again and I'm glad I checked one more time before shutting down for the night. I don't mind telling you I was worried when you didn't repost.




I hate to be negative, but you do know that a promise of "trying to change" is almost certain to fail, don't you? We're talking about his character and it won't change because he says he'll try; it most certainly won't be a long-lived change if he's doing it for any reason other than because he doesn't like how he is, and from what you've said he's "trying" because you're not happy, not because he's thoroughly dissatisfied with himself. As it is, it sounds like it's back to usual, him being mad that you went out. I'm glad you have support of friends and family and a plan, that's a very good thing.




I understand that you want to make it clear that he's not been violent. The reason we asked is because from what you described, it honestly sounded like the potential for violence was there and very real. Do me a favor (and yourself too) and read these checklists:
~*~Extensive Abuse Checklist~*~
~*~Traits of Abusive Personalities~*~
Power and Control
and let me know how they come out, okay?

~ cl-2nd_life


"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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