IN LOVE AND CONFUSED

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
IN LOVE AND CONFUSED
6
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 3:13pm
HEY THERE! I'M A 21 FEMALE THAT IS MADLY IN LOVE BUT CONFUSED.

MY BOYFRIEND AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR TWO YEARS AND I HONESTLY DON'T HAVE ANY COMPLAINTS ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP, TILL NOW. THROUGH OUT THOSE TWO YEARS WE HAVE HAD OUR UPS AND DOWNS LIKE ANY OTHER COUPLE BUT HIS SHORT TEMPER HAS ALWAYS BEEN AN ISSUE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. ABOUT THREE MONTHS AGO HE STARTED HAVING THESE BAD MOOD SWINGS AND ANYTHING I WOULD SAY OR DO WOULD IRRITATE HIM TO THE POINT WHERE WHEN I WOULD QUESTION WHY HE WAS UPSET OR WHAT GOT HIM UPSET? OR IF I DID OR SAID ANYTHING WRONG? HE WOULD GO OFF ON ME. HOW EVER ACTED LIKE HE ACTED I WOULDNN'T GIVE UP ON HIM, I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH HIS MIND...I WANTED TO HELP HIM BUT HE WOULD CLOSE UP AND SHUT ME DOWN. I WOULD GET SO FRUSTRATED, CONFUSED AND HURT THAT I WOULD BRAKE DOWN IN TEARS IN FRONT OF HIM. HE WOULD TELL ME HE WANTED TO BE ALONE...HE WOULD SAY FOR ME NOT TO CALL HIM OR BE INSISTING BECAUSE IT WOULD PUSH HIM FURTHER AWAY FROM ME. I WAS SO CONFUSED AND HURT BECAUSE HE WASN'T GIVING ME A REASON AND HE WOULD SOMETIMES SAY HURTFUL THINGS TO ME FOR ME TO LEAVE HIM ALONE. I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS OR WHAT WAS CAUSING IT...I STARTED THINKING IT ME, I THOUGHT I WAS DOING SOMETHING WRONG BECAUSE HE WOULD GO OFF ME FOR ANYTHING. SO, IT GOT TO A POINT WHERE WE WOULD WORK IT OUT AND HE WOULD OPEN UP TO ME AND EXPLAIN TO ME IT WASN'T ME...HE WOULD SAY TO ME HE JUST NEEDED TO BE ALONE AND THAT IT DIDN'T MEAN HE WAS CHEATING OR DIDN'T LOVE ME, BUT JUST NEEDED SOME SPACE. UNFORTUNATLY, IT DID NOT END THERE, EVERY OTHER WEEK OR TWO WE WOULD GO THROUGH THE SAME DEAL I WASN'T UNDERSTANDING WHY, BUT I RECENTLY FOUND OUT THAT HE THINKS I'M UNFAITHFUL TO HIM BEACAUSE A WHILE BACK HE FOUND SOME PICTURES WHICH I WASN'T HIDDING FROM HIM, OF MY GUY FRIEND AND I HUGGING. THOUGH HE KNOWS WE ARE ONLY FRIENDS HE DOESN'T BELIEVE ME. HE NOT ONLY KNOWS I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART BUT I'VE SHOWN HIM IN MANY WAYS, HE DOUBTS ME AND GETS HIM FURIOUS THAT I CAN'T EVEN GO OUT WITH MY FRIENDS BECAUSE HE SAYS THERE ALL HOOCHIES<---SOORY AND I PROBABLY DO THE SAME THING THEY DO WHICH IS SLEEP AROUND. AS A MATTER A FACT LAST THURSDAY EARLIER THAT DAY WE HAD TALKED AND HE SEEMED UPSET AND HAD A BIT OF AN ATTITUDE, SO HE SAID HE WOULD CALL ME LATER. I DIDN'T RECEIVE A PHONE CALL FROM HIM SO I DECIDED TO GO OUT WITH THE GIRLS. WHEN I CAME BACK HOME, I NOTICED HE HAD CALLED VERY LATE AT NIGHT AND I WAS PRETTY SURE HE WAS PROBABLY PISST.I DECIDED NOT TO CALL HIM THAT LATE, SO I WAITED TILL FRIDAY TO CALL. WHEN I CALLED HIM HE WENT OFF AND HANGED UP ON ME. SO, I WAS SHOCKED AND I DECIDED TO CALL BACK BUT HIS CELL PHONE WAS TURNED OFF. LATER THAT NIGHT I THOUGHT HE WOULD CALL ME BACK BUT HE DIDN'T...HE ACTUALLY CALLED ME DRUNK AT 2 IN THE MORNING FROM A CLUB CALLING ME A "B" THAT HE DIDN'T BELIEVED MY STORY AND THAT HE HAD JUST MESSED AROUND WITH THREE OTHER FEMALES AND IT WAS HIS TURN TO HAVE FUN, AND THOUGH I TRIED TALKING TO HIM IT WAS NO USE. NOW, IT'S WEDNESDAY AND I STILL HAVEN'T HEARD ANYTHING FROM HIM THOUGH I'VE TRIED CALLING BUT HE JUST HANGS UP HIS PHONE OR TURNS IT OFF. AT THIS MOMENT I'M CONFUSED AND HURT BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, I DON'T WANT TO LOSE HIM EITHER, I LOVE HIM SO MUCH THAT I THINK I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO FIX THIS SITUATION. WE BOTH LOVE EACHOTHER BUT IT'S HARD TO COPE WITH SUCH A PERSON WITH INSECURITIES EVEN THOUGH HE DENIES IT. GOSH!! PLEASE HELP TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK AND THANK YOU FOR TAKING YOUR TIME TO READ MY LONG LETTER.


A CRY FOR HELP, MIZOUTRAGE

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 9:03pm
I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this. I hope you'll check out these links, I think that there's some information on them that you might need. Good luck.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=148.1&ctx=4194304

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 2:04am
I know that you probably don't want to hear this, but it sounds like this could be the beginning of an abusive relationship, whether it be verbal, emotional, or even physical. It is understandable that you love him and want to work things out, but I would advise you to be very careful if you do decide to stick with it. Try to talk to him about your concerns. If he just gets upset or defensive, then that is one more clue that he is not sensitive to your needs or wishes. And you deserve someone who will be. I hope things work out for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 5:57am
It sounds to me like your boyfriend might have some anger issues and is simply blaming you for his inappropriate behavior. Finding a photograph of you hugging a friend is absolutely no reason to fly off the handle and the fact that he is taking the ball and running with it, suggests that there is more to it than meets the eye.

Though you might love this man and want it to work out, you should ask yourself at what price? If he doesn't trust you now, what do you think will change that? You haven't even had an opportunity to discuss your night out with your friends and already he is trying to 'get you back'. Ask yourself if you want to be with somebody who is going to be malicious and nasty to you.

As painful as it is, I'd let this one go, he sounds like trouble to me.

I wish you all the best.

Peace & Love, Pebbles xox

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 6:41am
And you want to be with this guy, why????? He has a short temper; he's moody (and immature, by the way); he doesn't trust you; he bases his opinion of YOU, not on his history with you or his observation of your character, but on the actions of your friends; and his response to HIS insecurities is to hurt YOU!

Wow, what a guy!

And you think this all means that he LOVES you?

Wake up. You (or anybody, for that matter) deserves better than this. He isn't ready for a serious relationship, and he has no clue what "love" is all about. And your relationship is doomed anyway, because you don't have the basics in place. Without trust and respect, love can't grow - not the kind of love that long-term, happy relationships are built on.

And there is NOTHING you can do the change HIM. HE has to grow up all by himself, and it isn't in your own best interest to wait around, because there's a very good chance it won't happen, ever.

Look, don't be offended by what I'm about to say: The spelling, language, and writing style of your post indicates that you are young and/or don't have much formal education. I only mention this because education - beyond the basics in high school - teaches people about themselves and about the world. It's this knowledge - and it can come from reading, creatively observing the world, and thinking, not just in a classroom - that helps people see their own lives more objectively. You don't seem to have that skill.

It doesn't matter that SOME of the time, you and this guy have good times - that the sex is good, that he "acts right," that he throws a compliment your way, and it especially doesn't matter that you feel good being seen with him. Even if he had done what you described only ONCE (rather than, to some degree, over the entire relationship) it should have been enough for you to realize he wan't the one for you. You should have enough SELF RESPECT to not put up with a person who acts like this.

I'm sorry I couldn't be more positive, and I'm sorry you are hurting. The silver lining in this cloud, however, is that you have a chance to escape this destructive (and abusive) relationship and move on to something better. The "love" you feel for him is not real (it can't be, he doesn't return it). You are in love with the man you WISH he were. He's NOT that man.

Good luck to you.

Lee M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 8:40am
Love doesn't send you crying for help. You're in a very bad place and you don't realize it.

Take a word from the wise, from someone who was married to someone like your BF - get the hell away from him. I can promise you it will not get any better; in fact, the longer you are with him the worse things will get. He will break you down little by little until eventually you begin to believe you deserve to be treated badly. He'll not only treat YOU bad, but he'll treat your friends, family, and any children you have together the same way. Don't let that happen. You want and deserve better for yourself.

You can't help him. Please don't kid yourself into thinking that you can change his personality or some mood disorder that he has. You can't. If he has a mood disorder, only HE can correct that through seeing a doctor. If he has a moody, nasty personality only HE can change that himself. If he's in denial (and many of these people are) he'll go through life thinking nothing's wrong with him, and everything is your fault. He'll continue to make you miserable.

Love does not come in the form of hurt. It does not keep you confused or unhappy. It has it's ups and downs, but it's not mean or destructive. Do not love someone who is not good for you. Trust me on this... this guy isn't good for you. (((HUGS)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Wed, 06-25-2003 - 1:50am
HELLO! There isn't anything you can do to fix this relationship. Don't you realize that you can only "fix" you, change you, and the situations you intentionally put yourself in? You have no control over his childish behavior, his betrayels, his insecurities, and you certainly have no control over whether he thinks he has a problem or whether he will ever make an effort to change himself. The best thing for you to do is jump off of this emotional rollercoaster ride and start demanding better things for yourself. This relationship is totally unhealthy, you already have low self esteem, and the longer you stay involved in something like this, the worse off you will be. The only other choice you have is to continue to be this jerks whipping boy, let him treat you however he wants, never complain when he abuses you, and just become the most passive doormat you can possibly be. Love is not an excuse to stay in such abuse, and how can you possibly love him or this situation enough when you don't love yourself all that much? You are scared to be without him, this relationship, and something to fall back on. Maybe you need to talk to a counselor about everything that has been going on so you can begin to see how unhealthy this is for you.