Is love enough? Confused - need advice.
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| Thu, 02-16-2006 - 6:16am |
May I say sorry in advance for this will probably come out all confused and jargled!
Okey dokey... Im having some relationship probs, and being young I dont feel like I know how to deal with this, or what to do for the best. I guess Im just looking for advice and insight from outsiders, because my friends keep giving me the 'but you guys will work it out Im sure' crap. Its not as easy as that!
Okey, a little history.
Im 23 and my boyfriend is nearly 25. We have been seeing each other for 2 years now, and we share a room in a shared flat. Our relationship moved pretty fast at the beginning, but we had been friends for 2 years before we got together. My boyfriend is from south america, and left his life there behind to come here (Scotland) to study. We met at Uni. Things were amazing for best part - hes such a great guy. We got on really well, shared many of the same interests and goals etc etc. The downside is, that being from another country, he is going to have to work very hard to stay here. He has a bit of baggage in that respect.
Well, our final year rolled along, and it was really difficult. With little time for anything other than work, we didnt spend as much time together. I thought that would change once it was over, and we could start where we left off.
Well, we graduated, and my boyfriend was commissioned to make a short film. (We studied animation) He asked me to work on it with him. I guess this is when things really started to turn. Working together was a big mistake. The balance in te relationship was tipped, and I felt resentment to being bossed around by him. Work was intense and we had no time to do anything else. I thought our final year was bad! By the time we got home at 8, all we could do was flop in front of the tv and switch of. Weekends, he had to work 12 hour shifts in a kitchen. We barely communicated about anything other than trivial, day to day stuff. Fights where starting alot, and I felt mad at him all the time. The fights have really changed how we see each other. Plus, I have been feeling pretty depressed lately, the post graduate blues I guess. Not helping matters, as Im very emotional.
Well, it all came to a head on valentines day of all days, where we had a huge crisis talk. We want to work on things, to get them back to how they used to be. I still love him so much, but so much has happened. Also, he feels like this is only the begining. That his life is going to have to be a sacrifice to get to where he wants to be - the career he wants and the right to stay in the country. He is wondering now whether he will ever have the time to give me what I deserve. That perhaps its the wrong time for us.
Im so sad, because we love each other alot, despite the fact thing have drifted, but is it enough? We are both going to have to work hard to break the animation industry, and perhaps it will be too difficult to do that tied to a relationship? Im so confused by all this. I just want us to work on our problems, and reconnect, but hes all worrying about the future. I just want to take things a day at a time. Why is this so difficult? Im so frustrated right now, that I am seriously thinking of ending it just to get some peace from the confusion that is my mind.
Anyway, thanks for takingthe time to read this. I kinda wanted to get it all out and try and make some sense of it all. But if anyone has any advice, I would love to hear it.
Thanks,
L :?

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It sounds like this is a pretty stressful and intense time for you and it sounds like it would be even if you didn't have a relationship, right? What it sounds like to me is that you both have to focus, work hard, and work long hours to be able to work towards your career goals, right? If that's right, it sounds like you won't have the time or energy to put into a relationship. Do you have any time off together, Sundays perhaps? Or is one of you working every day of the week? You didn't really go into much detail about how you're feeling about each other, but I gather that you're holding a lot of resentment and anger around when you were working together; or maybe seeing him in that light disillusioned you as to what he's about? You say you love him but you also say, "so much has happened" Without knowing more, it's impossible to have a feel for whether "what's happened" is fixable or not. Can you elaborate? You also indicated that he's thinking a break up is the thing to do, but you also said "We want things to work, to get them back how they used to be". Are you both in agreement in wanting things to work? Are you both committed to making it work? What is it that "used to be" that isn't now? Answering my questions and giving more explanation about your actual relationship will help us to be able to offer you thoughts, suggestions and advice.
One thing I can tell you without any more information from you is that you can never "get things back to how they used to be". Your experiences have changed, your relationship has evolved, both of you have had new experiences, new realizations about each other, the relationship and life in general, the only way you can go back to how it was is to take away those experiences and realizations you now have, and that's not going to happen. Trying to make it happen will only frustrate and defeat you. Working towards making your relationship better and stronger than it is is, achieving a relationship that is happy and satisfying are reasonable goals, but trying to go back won't work and having your mindset there will defeat you.
I'll be checking back for your answers ~
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi again - thanks for your reply - I'll try and answer your questions...
Yeah, I think I would be pretty stressed right now anyway. Everyone from our class seems to be having a mini crisis right now as they try to find their way in the big wide world. Another couple I know who I studied with have just split up for pretty much the same reasons - no time, too much stress. Kinda worrying, but hopefully we're different!
With the animation industry I can pretty much see us having to move about the country to chase jobs. Obviously its not one of these things that has steady 9-5 work. To get anywhere I guess we will both have to make sacrifices etc. I think for my B/f there is more pressure as he will need to apply for a working visa in a couple of years, and he's worried about that.
Right now, Ive just finished work with him, and looking for a bar job to pay the rent while I hunt for animation work. He works very long hours on weekends in a kitchen, but we have a few hours in the morning that could be put to better use.
I guess when I say so much has happened I mean that with all the fights we have had, how we see each other has been changed a little. We where taking each other for granted and fighting about stupid things. We need to be more patient and I need to be more understanding. I also need to watch my temper as I find my self becoming pretty irritable these past months. Getting hurt feelings easily and being quick to snap. I feel like I am a bit unhappy in myself and was taking it out on him. I dont know whether its something I should seek help about. Im not very good with coping with stress and my negative attitude to things, my insecurities about life in general that I have been feeling since graduation make me hard to live with at times Im sure.
We have had a series of intense talks about all this, and we have been honest with each other with regards to how we are feeling. He is worried about what the future holds with all the work stress, but we are both really wanting to make this work. I know that we are pretty young, but I really feel that there is something special here that could be great if we only knew how best to nurture it. We have talked about taking the time to get to know each other again - take an active interest in each other. Taking each day as it comes, switching of the tv in the evenings and spending time talking, doing stuff together. The lack of time spent together could be ok if what we did have was quality. Right now we have been like strangers. I guess with all the work, we got too used to not having time. We got lazy and bad habits crept in. I need to know how best to go about fixing that. I dont want this to end just because we lack the skills to work through this.
Anyway sorry that this was long again. I appreciate your advice!
Thanks - L
Edited 2/17/2006 9:51 am ET by froglet-girl
Just wanted to ask if anyone has any advice or links on this subject. If we dont find a better way of doing things I dont think we are going to last very long as a couple. We are both stressed and now B/F is having family probs that seem to be taking up much of his mind. Its hard because they are on the other side of the world and he feels them slipping away.
Im am trying hard to be optomistic, but I do wonder if I have a mild depression as I feel tinged with sadness alot. I suppose that could just be the problems we have causing that. However, BF outlook on life right now doesnt help me keep my spirits up. For him life is all about sacrifices since thats all he's known lately. I worry he will sacrifice us. Anyway, we arent dealing with stress well, so any links or advice on how to strengthen a relationship, and cope with stress would be very much appreciated.
cl-2nd life - I hope you might post back, you seem to give really good advice and Id love to hear from you.
Thanks again,
L
Hang on. Froglet-girl, we'll be back! Weekends tend to be a little quiet around here so I wouldn't be surprised if you don't see more response to your post after the weekend.
I dropped in this morning to respond to a post that hadn't been responded to yet (and to throw out a quick reply to Aisha on another post), but I can't stay around. As usual, weekends are pretty busy for me, I've got to jump in the shower and get ready to head out the door. I'll be back though, probably tonight, and if not tonight tomorrow -- I have the day off, yippee!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I realized there were a few questions I'd wanted to ask you -- it only makes sense to ask them now so I can answer you later with more of what I need to know~!
I'm confused about the time you have to spend together; in your first post you indicated you don't have time and that he works nearly all the time, but in your follow-up post you said you could use your time together better (you mentioned TV time...). How much time do you actually have that could be spent together? I'm not talking about sleeping time, but weekends, evenings or days that you're not working or getting ready for work? Also, I got the impression that it's most likely that you'll have to go elsewhere to find employment in your field, that it isn't likely you'll end up in the same place and probably won't be able to find employment in the same area together, is that right?
Thanks in advance for your answers!
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
L
If finding employment in your field means you'll likely find it in different cities then I'd say staying together physically isn't something you should fight to maintain right now. Make an agreement to seek employment where each of you want/need to and if/when a job comes that takes you away from each other be resolved to accept it and let it be how things are for now. Living apart doesn't mean you have to break up, it just means not living in the same place and not seeing each other as often. I'm not sure about the situation you describe right now; if staying with him while he finishes his project and then as it's premiered at the film festival is holding you back or not. If it's holding you back, I think it will continue to grow until you do something that feels like you're working towards your own future. If that's the case, I would hope you're at least searching for and applying for jobs, even those that would mean you'd have to move.
Sometimes couples that are very right for each other have to sacrifice some of the relationship in order to establish themselves in their field, that might be the case with you? If it is, it doesn't mean you can't continue to have a relationship, just that it will be long distance and will be more about communication than physically being together for a while. With the pressure that you're under to find work and him having the same pressure, along with the concerns about staying in the country, it might be wisest to be apart so you can each spend the kind of time you need focusing on yourselves, your own issues and agendas and your own needs for now. Doing that might mean keeping your relationship intact whereas staying together physically (if it's too stressful, makes one of you not able to seek or gain the kind of employment you want/need, etc.) may spell the end if it puts more pressure on your relationship than can be withstood right now.
If the things I've suggested above don't fit your situation and it's more about getting along with the stresses of little time together, looking for work in your area, etc., then I'd say it would probably be helpful to focus on making the time you have together count, but it's also important not to be so regimented that you can't relax and just do what you want. More connection will be necessary and less TV time will probably help; though if you're both stressed, TV time together might be just the kind of thing you need to shut your brains down and relax, know what I mean? If you're just too tired to do anything but "zone out" then do that but if you can go out and have some fun together, that could do a lot to bump up how you're feeling about yourselves, your relationship and life in general. Communicating how you're feeling, what's going on with each of you daily (checking in) may be very helpful -- and it doesn't have to be an hours-long discussion to make a difference. Try the exercise outlined here:
5. Dialogue to Improve Your Marriage
I hate to tell you too, if you're talking about only having a few hours a day to see each other, without having a weekend - or a weekend day to be together, you may be describing what most married couples go through at some point in their marriage. There have been times I've worked an incredible number of hours a day, seven days a week for weeks at a time, all I did was come home, eat, go to bed, get up in the morning and go straight to work. I've also been through me having a day job while my husband worked nights. If your relationship isn't strong enough to handle a tough time, it's probably not strong enough to be permanent. The ages you're at may have a lot to do with why you're having problems too. At the ages of 22 and 25 you've both changed a lot since you first got together and you still have several years of changes yet to go. In other words, neither of you are who you were when you first met, you've both changed and grown and it's more likely that you've changed and grown in ways that make you more different from each other than alike. The boyfriend you had when you were 18 probably seemed perfect for you when you first met him, but I'm betting he's not at all right for you today; and that's because of the natural changes and maturation you've gone through since then. The same may be true with the boyfriend you have now. He may have been perfect for you when you first met, but he may not be now. It's the reason most young relationships don't last, it's the reason most young marriages end in divorce.
If your feeling is that your relationship isn't strong enough to survive much change, you're probably right; and considering that this is a time of great change for both of you, perhaps agreeing to take the relationship down a notch (living separate, keeping in communication and continuing to see each other but pursuing your own careers separately) may be what's needed to continue together.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I agree with all you are saying, although it hurts to do so. I think I was living in a bit of a dream world, not confronting things and hoping it'll all work itself out. I think I will continue to try with him to work things out, at least for the time we are in scotland. We both discussed staying here for a couple of years to get some experience in the 'small pond' before moving. Plus we need to save a little (London's expensive!)
At least I will go into this with open eyes. I think what we should do is have fun and enjoy each others company as much as possible. I don't want to end up hating this guy and having a bad break up. He's the first guy Ive been out with thats not been a nasty piece of work. Although things are difficult, he's never been anything but a wonderful person. It makes me so sad to think about all this. I don't want to break up. Ah well, Life's a real bitch sometimes. What doesn't kill you and all that...
Thanks for taking the time to respond to me with such a long reply I will keep it as a refrence when Im feeling confused about things.
L
Which of the situations I suggested fits you?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Well... I think I have been avoiding thinking about the future, moving to look for work and how that will effect us. Its made it clearer in my head. I think its still worth trying to make things work, even if the future is hazy. When we do spend time together its great, we laugh and have lots of fun. If we can have a little more of that I feel its worth staying together even if it is for the short term. We hve a couple more years here in scotland, perhaps over the course of that time we'll grow stronger, and be more able to face these obsticals. Or maybe not. There is so many unknowns for us right now, I think we just have to go with the flow, and deal with stuff as it comes along. The immediate problem now is spending time, so we can address that now. I think its worth a try just to get a little more time to enjoy with this great guy.
Anyway... we have a 'date' tonight that he is getting off work early for. So I think I will just forget about it all for the evening and have fun!
Thanks for your help you've been a star!
Lara
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