Love husband, but not in love w/ him
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Love husband, but not in love w/ him
| Tue, 06-06-2006 - 3:31am |
My husband and I have been married for 10 years (no kids). We dated for two years before getting married and when we met, we became almost best friends instantly. We were 23. Here's a very quick background before getting to the meat of my issue. He fell in love with me practically the day he met me, but I saw him as no more than a good friend. After nine months of being friends, he told me he wanted to start dating me. I wasn't attracted to him, but we had so much fun together, could talk about anything, had everything in common and had similar future goals in life. Still, not attracted to him though. My mother had always told me to marry someone like him (an upstanding individual) rather than one of those "bad boys" I was always attracted to because sex isn't important in a marriage. (I came from a really religious background and she definitely took it too far with that brain washing!) But, what does a 23-yr old know about marriage! We dated and I tried to feel attracted to him, but never really did (even though we'd have sex). I did (and do) love him and he was my stable rock in some trying times I was going through then. When he asked me to marry him a year and a half later, I said yes. It's been 10 years now and although we've, for the most part, had a great time (our friends think we have the perfect marriage, but they don't know about the "lack of attraction on my part" issue), we're both missing out on a huge component of a good marriage - everything that comes with being in love with someone - initiating sex, being affectionate, being romantic, etc. I don't offer any of that to him because that's not who or what he is to me. I married my best friend and that's what he is to me. Over the years, our one and only argurment has been that I don't show him affection. I've tried, but when you're not sexually attracted to someone, it just doesn't happen naturally and you're really just going through the motions. A few weeks ago, I told him that I think we should consider possibly separating so we can think about how we want to spend the rest of our lives - together without attraction and affection or go our separate ways in the hopes of finding someone we can love and be in love with. I would hope that our strong friendship could withstand the initial hardship we'd experience. We've been to counseling for this issue and the counselor said if I don't start feeling attracted to him, then our only course (outside of divorce) would be a celibate marriage. Neithr of us want that. Of course, he's devestated and I feel so sad for him. I truly do care about him and love him, but I'm not in love with him. What would you do?

And on the other hand, I've been with men that have nothing much to offer but stunning good looks with no depth or personality and I'm bored very easily. And after awhile I find that they can't do nothing for me sexually b/c unlike for men sexual excitement for women isn't just achieved visually...
Do you want to be "in love" with him and if so, are you willing to work at it, or do you just want it to be there?
Jen
I agree with you that there's more to attraction that physical looks. I think if that's as deep as you're looking you're likely to have a pretty shallow relationship. I've also had the experiences you cite -- boyfriends who weren't gorgeous on the outside but whom as you grew to knew them became attractive to you overall, as well as guys who were knock outs from the start, but there was little beneath the looks. I also think that the kind of attraction you're talking about is the kind that you either find or you don't in the early stages of the relationship. The OP is talking about a ten-year long relationship. If she hasn't found attraction by now (or within the first three months of a relationship I'd say) she's not going to find it -- it's simply not there. Don't you think?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Boatgirl, I think you nailed it. I think you know what to do, you just hate to hurt your husband in the process. You're right, you are missing a huge component of marriage and you know that he misses it too, as your lack of affection is the your source of argument. I agree with you, you deserve the kind of love you should have from your partner. He deserves that too. In marriage to you, he stands zero chance of being loved the way he deserves, and you stand zero chance of being with someone you have the kind of feelings for you should have in a marriage. You've both spent enough time without it.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"