Loved but not desired - help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2006
Loved but not desired - help!
3
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 3:59am

My boyfriend of 16 months and I have enjoyed a happy relationship, we get on, as he says, 'just click' very well, we laugh together and there is trust and support and he says he still feels romantic about me and tells me he loves me often. He tells me I'm gorgeous and beautiful and he likes to hold me, touch me, cuddle me often during the day, even when we're out in public places.

BUT he told me a few days ago that he doesn't fancy me anymore. He said he can't forget how slim I used to be. When I was slim he fancied me and I had to hold him off but we didn't have sex then as I wanted to be sure of him and the relationship before i took that path. I've put on about 28lbs since we met and he is someone that doesn't fancy any girl no matter how beautiful unless she's extremely slim. We tried to make love once and I was tense after not having had a physical relationship for ten years, and I clenched up and he couldn't penetrate me, which meant he lost his erection. Since then he's wanted to 'fool around,' with me, cuddle, and he's initiated oral sex, but he starts to make love to me then pulls back saying that's enough for him.

Though he describes his former relationships as initiated and sustained through lust, so at least he deired them! He once told me that he'd never managed to have sex with a girl for very the first time without being drunk. But with me, at least in the beginning he was very eager, and seemed to not want alcohol to remove his inhibitions.

We have no money, he's alwyas concerned about not getting into debt and I know he's worried about pregnancy. He also had issues with his body, feeling he's puny and not strong or tall enough, which isn't anywhere near true. So he told me he thought his lack of desire for me may in part be from feeling unmanly beside me now I'm bigger. I think also he may not feel very sexually secure about his own prowess in bed and is frightened of not being able to 'perform' well.

Another issue is that I used a vibrator once recently when he was at work and he seemed to feel intimidated by this. He said he wondered if he could ever give me an orgasm, or that any man could. When he's given me oral sex, I haven't climaxed merely because he didn't go on for more than a couple of minutes. So I've never in any sense climaxed wih him. I think he may feel inadequate to the job. Which, to me is absurd as i find him highly stimulating. He also knows I haven't had sex for 10 years and may be worried about tackling someone he called a 'kind of virgin.' His previous girlfriends have all been very experienced.

We love each other, he shows it often in many ways. He wants to stay together because he loves me, he says. But this has been depressing him intermittantly for 6 months before he dared to tell me, as he feared the pain I'd feel. I'm trying to understand what to do about this, resolve any underlying issues as well as lose the weight I was planning to anyhow.

We both decided to look for advice to try and sort this out for us and become truely and completely the lovers our hearts tell us we are.




Edited 2/17/2006 4:18 am ET by freshviolet
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 12:37am

Welcome to the board, Freshviolet ~


I have more question marks than answers at this point, hopefully, by dialoguing back and forth with you (if you're willing), we'll find some answers.


I understand not being willing to have sex until you were sure of the relationship, that's a smart, reasonable thing to do. How long into your relationship was it when you were ready for sex? I get the feeling that the attempts at sex, along with his statement about not being attracted to you anymore are all fairly recent, is that right? It also sounds like you live together, yes? How long have you lived together? You said when you attempted sex that you tightened up because it had been ten years since your last sexual encounter. Was sex something that caused you tenseness when you were sexually active before? I guess I don't understand why not having sex for ten year (or ten months, days, etc....) would cause you tenseness. To me, if you're ready and willing to have sex, tenseness is far from anything you're feeling. Since you said when he gave you oral sex he only did it for a few seconds, I'm wondering if the reason for your tenseness might have been lack of foreplay? I have to tell you that my first thought is that the problem is his -- that he's insecure and throwing out a lot of excuses as to why he can't or doesn't want to have sex. (Not attracted to you , unable to help you achieve orgasm, unwilling/unable to try to penetrate after the tense episode, the need for drunkenness in previous relationships, etc.) I think there's a lot more here than meets than we yet know.

You also said he's afraid of pregnancy and that you're short on money. You are using birth control, right? I get the feeling that you're an Aussie, if that's so, I'm certain there are programs that could help you get birth control at reduced cost, or free. I'm also wondering how old each of you are.

Thanks in advance for your answers. Hopefully, your answers will help get to the bottom of your problem.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 5:33am

Wondering where the clue for the O/P being an Aussie is? Perhaps I can't find it because her post is too similar to mine LOL

Regarding financial assistance for birth control, in Australia contraceptives (and many other pharmaceuticals) are already heavily subsidised by the government. Therefore, the pill costs only about $15 - $20 per month. (I can't remember the price exactly). However anyone who is on unemployment benefits or is on a disability/aged/carers pension can have their parmaceuticals subsidised even further.

If one is a student or is working, I am unaware of any further financial assistance available. As far as I know, the Family Planning Centre does not give out freebies. I had to pay full price even when I was a high school student.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 12:48pm

My feeling is based on a few words she uses that only you have a habit of using. It's part of what I *hear* in your *accent*, if you will. It doesn't surprise me at all that you didn't pick them up, they're natural to you, and of course, there's always the possibility that I'm dead wrong too.


In taking a second look, I suppose she could be British too, but when I first read it, it *sounded* Aussie to me. Here are the phrases that made me think so:
"and I have enjoyed a happy relationship, we get on, as he says"
"he told me a few days ago that he doesn't fancy me anymore"
"because he didn't go on for more than a couple of minutes"


Thanks for your info, I knew you'd jump in!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"