Low Sex Drive is hurting my relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Low Sex Drive is hurting my relationship
13
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 11:47am

Hi,

I've been in a relationship for 6 years (I'm 26 yrs old). We live together as well. I love him and he loves me very much. We've had our share of obstacles over the years; jealousy, possesion, his father's death, moving in. Despite out hardship we've kept a close and quite honest relationship.

Since his father's death, around 2 1/2 years ago, our sex life has not been very good. He went through a rough time, in turn I went through a difficult time as well. We have sex once every two weeks. We do other stuff as well. When we do have sex, it's great. Which is why I wonder why I don't have the urge to do it more?

I'm always stressed, I'm always in my head, I'm an edmotional person. I can't just switch it on and off like he can.

He has become very frustrated by this and feel rejected by lack of sex. I completly understand and feel like failure. I don't know how to change, it's like a bad cycle that I can't get out of.

I want to be with him and I want a healthy sexual relationship with him. How can get passed this ?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 1:07pm
Are the other things going on in the relationship (outside the bedroom) that are impacting your desire to have sex?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 1:29pm


Absolutely, there are a few things that frustrate me such as; his poor budgeting and procrastination. It's been on-going for a while so we've have many discussions and arguments about it. I'm also a stressed person. I have trouble letting loose and just enoying things. I'm constantly in my head. I know these things have an effect on my libido. My BF is tired of dealing with the same exuse as it puts and is resentful. He things I'm no longer attracted to him (which is not true at all).

How do I let go and let loose from all my thoughts and stresses and think of sex as a fun and relaxing activity?

When we do have sex, it's always great and I really do enjoy it! Why isn't that enough to make me want to do it on a regular basis?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 1:51pm

I think sometimes it's really unfair the way most men and most women are wired.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:09pm

Hi,

I completly agree that it's a viscous cycle. I guess we have to find a compromise.

I don't handle stress very well. I become tense and nervous. So far I've been writing how I feel on a weekly basis. Putting it on paper sometimes helps me organize my thoughts. I feel that I need to find something to actually clear my mind.

An example of his poor budgeting would be for example, a recent situation. He's completing his bachelor and he's paying for his tution and books on his own. His tution is $1,300 a semester + books. He had the money, instead of paying the bill right away (the bill is due end of August). He procrastinated and now has to save all that money in a month.

Another scenario, his father dies a couple of years ago and is not on speaking terms with his mother. He tells me that he would like to see a therapist, yet it's been over a year and hasn't gone. He knows certain issues of his takes a tole on me, yet he's not motivated enough to actually fix them.

On the other hand, I take things quite personally and due to his lack of initiative in those areas, I feel I need to control and take of things that are his business. I would love to be able to let things go and be a little more carefree. I guess I feel I need to be in control of every aspect.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:31pm

I know how hard it can be to sit back and watch somebody make mistakes and not try to jump in and fix it! :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 2:11am
Welcome back Alesssia ~


I'm posting your previous posts so those who respond to you have a feel for the kinds of problems and issues that you've had with your boyfriend:


I'M SO LOST AND SAD
Fighting !
Chores

Taking a look at your previous posts might help you see your relationship a little clearer; many do -- it's hard to see the situation as clearly when you're in the middle of it, and for many, re-reading their old posts helps them recognize progress - or lack of - in their relationship.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 2:31am
Alesssia, what strikes me is you continue to strongly infer that the problem is yours and that it's because, as you say, "I'm always stressed, I'm always in my head, I'm an emotional person. I can't just switch it on and off like he can." But if this is how you *always* are, then clearly some other issues are going on, as the sexual problem hasn't been a problem throughout your relationship, you used to have frequent sex and enjoy it, your head did not get in the way. *Your head* may now be a problem, but that doesn't mean it's your fault, it means issues and problems have arisen or have taken their toll over time and are affecting your ability to be as free and open with your boyfriend as you once were. You cited some traits that he has that cause you stress (I guess), but these would appear to be traits that have been a part of him all along; both scenarios you posted are procrastination. Considering that you recently posted about being tired of doing all the chores in your relationship, I'd guess there are probably more issues, problems, anger and disappointment than you've let on, yes?


You ask, "I want to be with him and I want a healthy sexual relationship with him. How can get passed this ?" You can't "get passed it" without dealing with it and resolving it, and whatever the full extent of the problems in your relationship are, I don't think you've begun to do that, have you?


More after I hear back from you, hopefully with more explanation and detail about what's going on in your relationship and how you're feeling about it ~








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 10:01am

Hi,

Where do I start...Over the past 6 years, my BF and I have been through many obstacles. Some because of him some because of me.

One of the problems I used to have and still do, however at a much smaller level now. I was very defensive, which is the result of insecurity. I am am emotional person and tend to takes things quite personally. This trait caused arguments. (in turn I was nagging.

My BF's problem is different. He was raised from an alcoholic father and a non-maternal mother. His father died almost 2 1/2 years ago and he doesn't communicate with his mother ever since, actually he has 3 sisters and they don't speak to her as well. He has this fear of death that prevents him from relly living. He's loving and always makes me laugh, supportive and loyal. However, he's also negative, not motivated, procrastinates.

When my boyfriend when through his depression after his father's death, it took a toll on me. I worked 10-12 hour days. He would be up all night and sleep through the day. I took care of the finances for around 5 months. Then he snapped out of it. I was happy and relieved. But during those few months, we often fought. I was trying to be patient and trying to motivate him and he would snap at me. He accused me of not being there for him. That hurt very much, because I was there as much as I could be.

I believe after that obstacles, things took a turn for the worse. I believe he hadn't solved his issues correctly and fully (still hasn't) and I was resentful. Since then, it's been downhill (sexually). We've both matured in the fighting area. Our fights are much smaller and much more rational.

I believe one of my qualities is one of my flaws as well. I have a nig heart and I try to be there, and be supporting and caring if I see someone is hurting, especially if it's my partner. I think I pushed my feelings aside for so long and it created him to be unintentionally selfish.

It's funny when I wrote the first post (yesterday) I didn't realize that it went back so far. I have no idea how to fix this..and I want to.

Thanks for our help, it's much appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 3:00am
I wouldn't necessarily say shorter fights means more mature fighting. Are your fights shorter because you reach resolution sooner? That would be more mature. If fighting is over the same issues, that means there is no resolution and that's not mature fighting.


In any relationship all you can do is deal with and work on yourself. You've identified some issues in yourself, insecurity, lack of self care, and perhaps enabling behavior. Have you considered seeing a therapist to work on and resolve these issues in yourself? Clearly they're affecting you and they're affecting your relationship, which says it's time get real help with it.


In any relationship you can only fix your part, yourself. His issues are his to deal with. Like Kim said, as much as you'd like to help him with them, you can't do anything but stand by and let him deal with them as he chooses. You can encourage him to get help and you can set boundaries so that you aren't involved in ways that are inappropriate ("saving" him, helping him with things he should be doing for himself, allowing behavior that's not acceptable, etc.) but beyond that, all you can do is decide for yourself whether you're willing to accept him as he is right now with no changes or not. If this isn't acceptable to you, then it's time to rethink your relationship. The truth is, he may never seek help, he may never be any different than he is right now. Assuming he'll get better or be different down the road is a sure fire way to a miserable, frustrating life. All you can count on is who he is now, it's unreasonable to expect anything else.


Sex is the symptom, not the problem; you know more sex isn't the answer and you know lack of sex isn't the problem either. You also know "always being in your head" isn't the issue; the issue seems to be a longstanding list of issues and problems that don't seem to have been resolved, or a pattern of behavior that has the same kind of problems replaying as different themes. Same story, different scene, you know? As the pile of unresolved issues gets longer, they're harder to ignore and they become more problematic for you. The problem also seems to be issues within yourself and issues within himself that haven't been appropriately addressed or resolved.


I'd suggest starting with you -- the only place you can start -- to work with a therapist on your issues. That will mark the beginning of change that will result in change in your relationship. That's the fix.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 9:35am

Hi,

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I have indeed made an appointment with a therapist. I have seen one one the past and think it's time again.

I just don't see how things can get better between us if I see someone? I will be helping myself, but how will it help the relationship?

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