Lying Boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2006
Lying Boyfriend
11
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 2:42pm
My boyfriend has been lying to me. I can't stand smoking, and when we first got together he was a smoker. But after about a year together i told him i couldn't bear it anymore and so he stopped. Since then we've even been on a weeks holiday together where we never left each others sight and so i knew he wasn't smoking. Its now 4 months since he stopped and a family member has informed me that he hasn't stopped, and he still smokes with colleagues and friends. I feel so betrayed as he has repeatedly being lying to me about this for 4 months. I don't know what to do about this. I love him, but don't feel i can trust him. But is it worth me leaving him over, its not like he's cheated on me. Please help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: emily5418
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 4:10pm

One, can you live with someone who negates how you feel because it doesn't work for them? Can you stay with someone who will do whatever it takes to do what they want to do and take away your choices from you?

Two, can you stay with someone you can't trust?

Three, can you stay with a smoker? Has that changed where you don't feel the same now that you did then? Because you told him then it was over if he didn't quit and he didn't quit. Tells me which is more important to him...

Four, how did you not notice that he smells and tastes like smoke? What reason did he give you for that?

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
In reply to: emily5418
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 5:41pm

emily5418,


I'm going to go in a bit different direction then Jen did.

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: emily5418
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 7:03pm

I agree, Def, that she should have found someone who didn't smoke. If she thought it was something she could tolerate, found out she couldn't, informed him and he offered or told her he'd stop, that's another ball of wax and what I was assuming transpired. Either way, if he said he would stop and found he had a hard time doing that, he needed to tell her he was having great difficulty, not lie about it. Now, if she's totally a witch when it comes to anything smoking related, I can understand why he wouldn't tell her. However, then he needed to tell her that he couldn't stand her controlling ways and leave her.

Jen

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: emily5418
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 9:05pm

I'm also an ex-smoker and I think you're making excuses for the guy. He could have said NO when she asked him to quit, but he didn't. And now he's sneaking around instead of being honest. That DOES make him the bad guy--by HIS choice, and HIS actions!

Personally, I'd MUCH rather have someone ASK me if I am willing to change a habit or behavior than break up with me or not date me in the first place. If I am, I'll say so and if I'm not, I'll say that, too, but there's no harm in asking and it could end up great. But, if I say I'm willing to make the change, then I need to own that responsibility.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: emily5418
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 1:53am

I agree with Defleppard on this one. You knew he was a smoker when you got together with him; you may have hoped he'd quit, but you had not reason to expect that he would, all you could do was take him at face value, as he was.


It may well be that he really did try to quit when he said he would, but the fact is you don't get control of addictions because someone else thinks you should. Getting control of an addiction takes intense drive and desire from YOU, the addict to stop. If the addict wouldn't quit if you weren't together, then he's not ready. He has to want to quit for himself, period. Have you ever tried to go on a diet when you didn't really want to or because someone else thought you should? If you have, I'll bet you weren't successful, and the reason you weren't successful is because YOU didn't want it for yourself, YOU weren't motivated and ready. At this point, you have no way of knowing whether your boyfriend will ever stop smoking. All you can do is decide whether you're willing to accept him as he is, a smoker, or not and based on your acceptance, proceed from there.


There are quite a few posts regarding this issue in the archives, I've linked them up here for you to read, I think you'll find them interesting and insightful:


boyfriend addict
Not sure what to do??
How do I handle this...........
He Smokes I don't HELP!!!
I saw him smoking

I hope they help








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: emily5418
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 2:11am

I agree with you in theory, but I think there are a lot of variables that could come into play that we have no way of knowing. Perhaps he fell off the wagon, is very upset at himself and trying to get back on without telling her he's not been as successful as he'd like to be. He's not obligated to report his daily progress to her. It's also possible that he was pushed into agreeing to something he wasn't ready for. Perhaps her likely reaction is something he'd rather avoid. Yes, even if this is true (and I'm not saying it is), he should be upfront and honest with her, but it's possible she plays a role in this too and if so, he shouldn't take all the heat or be painted as a bad guy.


I also think going out with someone for months then telling them their smoking is a deal breaker is out of line. If smoking was a deal breaker she shouldn't have started up with him in the first place.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
In reply to: emily5418
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 10:46am
I have to agree with Defleppard and Cl-2nd_Life. I am not a smoker but my parents both are. I've seen them both try to quit so many times. Even when they wanted to, they just couldn't. I would guess that your boyfriend tried to quit smoking so that you wouldn't leave him rather than for himself. Have you talked to him about what you heard? Are you positive it's even true? Even so, imagine how hard it must be for him when together with smoking friends and he wants to and can't. I would guess that he never told you he is still smoking because he still doesn't want to lose you. At least he's cut back if he's only doing it once in a while but never when with you. My D/H chews tobacco. Yeah, it's a nasty habit, and the spitting is gross. He did it when we met though. I have no right to ask him to stop. I also don't complain about it when he does. I started dating him knowing full well he chewed. That was my choice and a year into the relationship I don't see how I would have the right to then ask him to stop or threaten to leave. It's something I don't like, but can accept. Now I have mentioned a couple times in conversation that I am worried about his health as a result but never try and lay a guilt trip on him. He's a grown man, it's his choice. I guess you just need to decide if the smoking is something you can live with or not. If not, I suggest you free him to find someone that will accept him as he is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
In reply to: emily5418
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 2:25pm

Quitting smoking is only successful if the person who is quitting is the one with the desire to stop. Even then it is extremely difficult. Quitting smoking because someone else wants you to is nearly impossible. Smoking in and of itself is as addictive as heroin and the psychological addiction is also a factor. Just because he is not successful at quitting does not mean he doesn't love you and the fact that he lies about it should mean more to you that he is having difficulty giving it up and simply didn't want to face your wrath in being unsuccessful.

Until he truly wants to quit, you may have to live with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
In reply to: emily5418
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 6:31pm

"Boys lie." Have you seen that t-shirt? I like that one.

I smoke. I smoked when I met my husband. I lied about quitting too. I guess I just lead him to beleive I quit by not talking about it. It was more out of trying to please him and not wanting him to leave me. It's like "Of course, you don't look fat in those jeans." It's a different kind of lying, not trying to hurt you but more so trying to please you.

Maybe you can keep encouraging him to try quitting all the way, that's impressive that he went so many days without smoking. That really just makes smoking pointless if he can do that. A social smoker.
-Ask him why he smokes?
-Ask when he feels like smoking most?

I read something about closet smokers in Details magazine. People that sneak smokes when nobody else is around. They said it's really common. I guess smokers are just shamed anymore. Stick with him and encourage him to quit by talking to him about it. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
In reply to: emily5418
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 6:36pm
More... I still smoke, it's been 6 years. He said he was OK with it. My husband draws arrows through the camel on my cigarette box. He glares at me every time I light a cigarette. He acts like he didn't know I smoked every day. It doesn't encourage me to quit, it makes me imagine how simple life would be somewhere else. :)

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