Major decisions to be made...
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| Wed, 08-23-2006 - 12:10pm |
> Hello:
>
> I read a post you responded to regarding a girl who dating an older
> man. I really liked what you wrote to her and am wondering if you
> could possibly give me some advice too?
>
> I'm a 22 year old graduate and am starting my career. I really don't
> care too much about a career because the only thing that is really on
> my mind is to find someone that I will have a beautiful family with. I
> want to be a dedicated lover/friend in life and if I'm lucky be a
> great mother too.
>
> Here is the story. On my 21st birthday, after being single for over a
> year from an aweful 7-month relationship a man walked into my life.
> Actually he walked into my party. He is 44 years old at the time.
>
> I looked at him, he looked at me and there was something stange there.
> I couldn't figure it out but we were just "ga ga" over eachtother right away...
>
> I then asked how old he was, because he looked more mature then the 25
> year old guys howling and burping at the party. He told me his age. For
> some reason, and to this day I don't know why, I didn't back off. I
> wasn't disgusted by him and nothing in my head told me to run for the
> hills. This is strange to me because I've always been very picky,
> cared what other people thought of me, cared who I was dating, etc.
>
> Anyways, we fell inlove. We dated for 6 months and then he asked me to
> move in with him. I did so. It seemed like we were truly made for
> eachother. He did absolutely everything for me. He was so
> affectionate, caring, loving, romantic at times. I was in my happy
> place. Yet, the tormenting 23 year difference between us was often sneaking into
> my head. I sometimes told myself while thinking about "us", he's not
> the one, you will be 26 he will be 50, how can you have kids like
> that...
>
> Once we started living together (btw it was winter), things really
> slowed down for us romantically. He was still very attentive and
> affectionate but not spontaneous and ambitious with "us". We mostly
> spent winter watching endless TV. He never really wanted to create an
> atmosphere that showed he was crazy for me.
>
> Sometimes I would get on his nerves by asking for more attention
> because I was going nuts with boredum. I asked him to go to the movies or bowling or whatever. The way I always saw it is "do things, explore the world with the one you love!"
> He merely denied me and got angry at
> times, walked out of the house and didn't come back for an entire day...
>
> So its been over a year and a half now. When summer came we got out
> "more" but thats the key word. He would never plan nights out for us or anything.
Sometimes I feel as if he doesn't care about my well being...my true well being. I will bee sick as a dog and he would say I was pouting and he didn't want to be around me. He would also not be very responsive when we had to carry bags or something. He would never offer to help me with things that are hard for me to do. It's that nurturing behavior that he would often lack. Granted he makes me dinners and tries to make me happy that way. But I can't help often thinking "if we have kids and I'm so strained with them, he'll come home from work and just rush out saying I have to go to the gym or I need my rest!"
>
> Another issue was he was starting to deal with law suits and claimed
> that I just didn't understand what he was going through. He would flip
> out at the slighest thing I asked of him.
>
> My friends are disappointed when they hear the stories I tell them
> when things are bad. Unfortunately, it's hard to summarize all our bad events in one post.
>
> My issue now is, do I stay, is he the one, or do I go find someone who
> can devote time to me, to us, someone who is crazy for me. Someone who is younger?
>
> I know he loves me, he wants to marry me, have kids, but if I ever get
> angry it gets turned around that I'm at fault. I could never walk out
> and he would run after me.. yet it always seems to be the case for me.
>
> I'll ask him "why don't you do this for me"... he'll scream and storm
> out saying i don't appreciate him... then i end up crazy calling him to come back..
>
>
> I just have no idea what i'm looking for i guess. I know in
> relationships, you have to take the good and the bad. Since I've only
> had bad relationships I'm not sure if I have crazy expectations or if
> he's truly wonderful.. or if he's actually not that great.
>
> I guess I need someone experienced to set it straight for me.
> I really don't want to waste his time or mine... So i need to make a decision.
> HELP?

I can tell you from experience that it's the 23 year age difference that is working against you here.
At 33, I got involved with a woman who was 44 and never thought that the age difference between us would be a problem. The relationship lasted for eleven years and now I see a much different picture. In my own opinion, for what it's worth, the larger the age difference between you, the greater the potential for problems. Not that there aren't those that are exceptions to the rule, but for the most part, it can be a major issue.
It also sounds like he has problems of his own that are unresolved, whether there was an age difference or not. Not helping out, not wanting to socialize with activities and behaving poorly when he gets angry are all signs that this person has issues that can seriously affect the success of any relationship he participates in.
In short, my recommendation would be to get yourself into counseling in order to deal with your own feelings and strongly consider ending the relationship. There are other men out there with whom you can enjoy life with and feel like you have a partner of equal standing.
I wish you strength and happiness.
At first he "did absolutely everything" for you. He was affectionate, caring, loving, romantic. That's pretty normal for anyone in the beginning stages of a relationship. For about the first year you're both putting your best foot forward, wanting to please and impress the other person, wanting to gain their approval. You act just a little nicer than you normally would, put on some of your "company manners", you pay a bit more attention to dress, hair and make up, you get the picture. You want to look good, both physically and personality-wise. We all do it, it's normal and natural. As the relationship becomes more stable and more secure, we begin to relax up a bit and show our real selves. Men are more into "the thrill of the hunt" and once the capture has been made sometimes you find quite a stark difference between who they were and who they are. It's not at all uncommon at this stage to hear their girlfriends ask, "What happened? He's not acting at all like he used to, all of a sudden, he doesn't want to do the things we've done all along!" What they're seeing is their boyfriend's real selves, and what they're learning is that what they knew about their boyfriend's preferences wasn't reality at all. Boyfriend who wanted to be with their girlfriends 24/7, go out every weekend, etc. suddenly only want to hang out with their guy friends and never have time for their girlfriends anymore. This is who they were before the girlfriend came on the scene, this is who they really are; the attention and activities were the hook, getting and keeping their girlfriend's attention, not only can you not keep up being someone you're not forever, but now that the relationship is stable, they're free to relax and be who they really are. Not fair, but it happens all the time. It's happening in your relationship too. He used to pay you lots of attention, used to be affectionate,caring, loving, etc. but now that the relationship isn't new, he's reverted to who he really is; and what you now know is that being as affectionate, caring, loving, etc. isn't who he really is. Now he's settled into how he really is, he likes to sit and watch TV. He didn't like that you wanted to continue to go out and explore, he was done with that, the novelty had worn off. With the summer you do more things, but not as much as you used to, and not nearly as much as you want and need. He doesn't instigate because he'd prefer to just stay home. The things that you want your partner to do for you are not things that he's interested in doing. He doesn't show concern when you're ill, he doesn't help with bags, he expects you to struggle on your own when you're having difficulty with something. You're right to be taking a serious look at this, this is who he is and it's not who you want. You're also very correct in looking at what it would be like to have children with this man. If he doesn't have time for you, isn't interested in pitching in, you're exactly right that the stress and work in child care would fall to you. Clearly, that's not something you want, nor should you.
Your age difference is also playing out in your relationship. He's frustrated with you, in his lawsuit dilemma he claimed that you just didn't understand what he was going through, He flipped out at the slightest thing you asked of him. The thing is, he's right. You don't understand what he's going through and I have no doubt that sometimes it's very frustrating for him to deal with you, and visa versa. No matter how mature you are, at 22 you are young and immature. You cannot have the life experience or maturity that a 44-year old possesses, you are at very different places. You are looking at things through inexperienced, naive eyes, he has been where you are and has learned many lessons that you've yet to learn. You can't relate to him on many levels and your suggestions would be implausible for a 44-year old. They are most certainly things he would have agreed with at the age of 22, but not now. In everything you're in the middle of, he's "been there done that" and not interested in a replay. You need someone to share those experiences with, you don't need someone who meets your thoughts and wishes with impatience and frustration. You need an equal partner to experience life with, not a "dad" to impatiently tell you to hurry up. You shouldn't be in a place to try to jump past all those things you should be experiencing because the person you're with has already done them. He's lived his young life, had his experiences, this is your young life, you need to live it and experience it yourself. You only get one shot at it, don't waste it.
I know you've read some older posts regarding a young woman and an older man here, once, in response to one of these posts a member responded from her own experience. She was 20 years younger than her husband. One of the things that she said that I'd never considered is that now she's 50, her husband is 70. She wants to go out, explore, do things, go dancing, have fun. Her husband is retired, he doesn't want to do any of those things, ever. She feels that she's stuck caring for an old man and is unable to do the things most women her age are doing and she knows it will only get worse; she'll be 60 and very capable, he'll be 80, not so capable. She hadn't thought about what the age difference would do as the years progressed.
At the age of 22, looking forward to being a wife and mother is fine, but don't rush it. You have many changes yet to experience in your life, years of changing due to maturation yet to come. Don't rush it. Live life, experience things, have fun, enjoy yourself; do what you want to do, for Pete's sake, go out and explore the world, this is the time in your life you should be doing that! Save the wife and mother bit for years down the road, don't be looking for "Mr. Right" now, look for "Mr. Great Right Now", and when he's no longer great, move on. Once you're done with the changes that are still coming for you, once you've had many more years of life experience, you'll be in a place to make a good, solid choice for yourself in who is the right partner for you for the rest of your life. I guarantee you, make that choice early and you'll be choosing who's right for you now, not who's right for you when you're done changing. For instance, more maturity and experience would be telling you that this guy is not who is right for you, even though you have very deep feelings for him; sometimes letting go of the person we care very deeply for is exactly the right thing to do. Your worlds are vastly apart, he doesn't meet your wants and needs. Chalk this up to life experience, learn a life lesson from it and move on, a wiser person for having had the experience.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Ok. I understand what everyone is saying here.
But how to I end a relationship I'm addicted to?
A couple nights ago he cried in my arms at 4'o clock in the morning telling me how much he's scared that he'll lose me, that he adores me, that we're meant to be together. He then goes on to do these sweet things for me, compliments me, cares for me. It just confuses me so much.
We truly do have something very special. I don't know how to get rid of it. It's like giving away your puppy that you love so much.
You don't have to stop seeing him. Why don't you tell him you want to live on your own. It's perfectly logical, understandable and appropriate that you would. Tell him you want to experience life as a 22 year-old while you're 22 and that you want to continue to see him, but that you want to be free to see other people too. He may not like it, but he can't not see the logic in it. Then do it -- move out on your own and have the kind of life a 22-year old should be having, leave living like a 44-year old for when you're 44. (BTW, I'm nearly 50 and living like he does would drive me nuts).
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"