This makes me really unhappy (long)
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| Fri, 02-18-2005 - 4:56am |
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost three years, and I absolutely love him. We get along great and we have a very loving relationship. There is only one thing that bothers me, and that is about him not showing me that he finds me attractive.
You can tell me that he *finds* me attractive, otherwise he wouldn't be with me. I don't think this is true. I think he loves my character, and that makes him want to be with me. But do I look like the woman of his dreams? I don't think so.
I have never once heard from him "Wow, you look hot." Not once. He will say his usual "you look good" every now and then, but that's it.
Last year at a friend's wedding I wore this really beautiful dress, got my hair done all nice, great make-up,...
All he said was "You look nice". It was nothing special, even though I thought I looked really good that day. I felt really good about myself. But he was not amazed or anything like that when he saw me.
My girlfriends get all kinds of compliments from their boyfriends. They get stuff like "Wow, you are so damn hot", or "Wow, you look so sexy",... They compliment their girlfriends in a really nice way, and to be honest whenever I hear that I get jealous. I wish my boyfriend would give me that kind of attention.
I love him to death and I want to be with him. But I also know that I need compliments every now and then, and not just a usual "you look good".
I don't know if I can live like that my whole life.
I noticed that I want attention from other guys now. I love it when they tell me that I look good, but I would love it SOOOOOOO much more if my boyfriend would say that stuff.
He compliments other woman on their looks, so it's not like he doesn't know how to compliment women. He says stuff like "this hot chick on TV", or "this girl I was dating in college was SO hot",... you know?
It makes me feel minimal, I feel so ugly.
What can I do about a situation like that?
I mean, if he doesn't find me attractive then I can't change that, but it will be hard to accept it that I am with somebody who does not consider me the woman of his dreams.
I would never break up with him, but it is just really hard for me.
I am very depressed about this.
Sorry for this being so long.
Thank you for listening!
...INA...

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HEre's a question....first, take all references to people on TV, billboards, and not "available' to him out of the equation. That's a reference to a public figure - not to an idividual that he knows.
Second, how does he respond to his mother and sisters and cousins and platonic female friends - when they're dressed up - does he compliment them? Or, is it just his accepting that they look as they do today, oh well.
Third, talk to him........been here, done this.......and I found out the guy I was with doesn't 'regularly compliment people he's with".......he was good with making references to past girlfriends, he was EXCELLENT at making references to hotties in the media, and he was SUPERB at making mention of hotties at the mall....but he literally could NOT do this from the flip side of the coin...which took me a LONG time to figure out, and it took his help to realize it, and some very objective perspective on my part.
At one period in my life - strangers were who I sought to please and prioritize, who I sought to get attention from. And when that was the reality - people that were "in my world" on a daily basis, that were giving to me and benefitting from me - I considered them like the furniture. I didn't kick it, but I sure didn't "admire' it either. It was "just there".
That period of my life I lacked self-esteem - which is self-like, love, appreciation, admiration, respect, and acceptnace. So I needed as muc attention, admiration, approval, and acceptance from as many sources as possible - to have a constant stream of "aren't you hot, aren't you great, aren't you nice" coming at me...so that my own lack of self-approval and acceptance wouldn't be so negatively oppressing me all the time. That was me avoiding my lack of self-love....with other people's admiration. Mind you, the people GIVING me that attention, applause, approval, and admiration weren't lacking in self-esteem per se.....I was out there "putting on the Ritz", or making a show of myself, and drawing all sorts of attention (let's keep in mind - if you see someone really fat wearing hip hugger jeans and a belly shirt - you do LOOK...and that is ATTENTION....it's just not the kind of attention that is admiring - but often the fat person doesn't realize that - to them "attention is attention"...and to people without self-esteem - attention is attention. Whether it's people staring at you in awe of you looks or abilities, or whether it's them staring in appalled shock at your blatant disregard for social propriety and obvious self-loathing.)
So I was getting "attention" - and at the time I said 'It's all positive attention" - looking back I can so easily see that a great deal of it was attention from people who were trying to get me to "slow down, take a break, make an assessment, and get a clue"...and that said, alot of it was attention from strangers for the show I was providing and that was "applause" in the most universal sense - it doesn't take alot to figure out if you will take off your shirt while on someone's shoulders or balcony in a public place and swing your hips and wiggle your breasts that someone will take notice and go "yeah baby".
When I settled down, got a clue, took an assessment and earned my own respect, admiration, acceptance and appreciation...and took responsibility for my life...one thing that radically changed was how much attention from "strangers" i wanted. I realized that anybody can get attention for putting on a show...and I only now wanted true appreciation and acceptance from people that I too admired and respected, not just a general public runway stamp of "yeah baby".
I found I turned less of my attention to strangers...and more of it to the people in my life that I had come ot respect and admire as individuals for their character and their values, and I spent no real time "catering to get theri attention" - I paid them positive attention becuase of how much I admired and respected them. Which sometimes translated out to compliments......but quite often did not, and it should more often, and I need to remember that!
So, talk to him...you might find that he's only "appreciating a show" that is being put on by total strangers and it's not always in a positive way although "she's hot" always sounds like positive attention to women...and quite often the man means "she's a hottie, she looks easy, love to do her if I was single, but would never date her if I was single".
And tell him you'd like more compliments and see if you two can't come to terms on it.
But you holding it in is doing absolutely no good. It's not an accusatory "you pay more attention to X than me" - it's "I wuld love some of your input on my appearance at times, do you think you could manage it occasionally?"
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
2 quick questions for ya.
First - have you talked to him about this? Maybe he feels that saying things like "you are really hot" is "dirty" or just sexual in nature. It's safe to says things like that about people, but not neccessarily to them, if you know what I mean. He may also hold you in much higher esteem then the people he's commenting on and he doesn't want to "bring you down to their level". When you GFs get compliments like that from their BFs, what's your BF's reaction? He may just be thinking "how can those guys treat a woman they love like that" - where you see it as a compliment, he may just see it as a meaningless public display. So It all goes back to talking to him about it.
Second - do you give him those same type of compliments that you are seeking? If not, then you should start. Teach by example. If you are only commenting on his personality and occassionally telling him "you look good tonight", he will think those are the things that are important to you.
Jeff
I'm sorry you're going through this:
He says stuff like "this hot chick on TV", or "this girl I was dating in college was SO hot",... you know?
It makes me feel minimal, I feel so ugly.
Honestly...I would feel the same way. I don't think I would have accepted him saying things like that about other women. If that is what's been happening since the beginning of your relationship, it probably wouldn't have gotten far if I was you. But I'm not, and we're not talking about me, we're talking about YOU.
Do you get reactions from other men, and in his presence? I would point it out when other men say complimentary things about and to you regarding your appearance. It's not game playing, or "trying to make him
Hi Inacolada
You recently put this issue on another board and were given a lot of great ideas http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlletstalkab&msg=16424.1&ctx=512 Also, we discussed that the fact he tells you that you're "cute" is most certainly a compliment. Like the way that Cameron Diaz is sexy/cute in "There's Something about Mary"
Can I ask if this thread was of any assistance to you? Were you able to reconcile to any of the advice?
Edited 2/19/2005 3:00 am ET ET by iv_aisha2004
I agree with the other responses you've gotten. If you are upset or hurt by what he's doing, you need to tell him. Sitting there saying nothing isn't getting you anywhere and won't change a thing. It's quite possible that he's totally unaware that he's doing it and I'd bet he's totally unaware that it hurts you. I would expect he wouldn't purposely do or say something that would hurt you, would he? If you have talked to him about it, how did the conversation go, and what was his response?
One thing I want to mention is you wanting to be the "girl of his dreams". Quite honestly, the girl (or guy) of our visual dreams is not at all compatible to us. If we're choosing people based on looks we're pretty shallow and we're likely to get a very shallow relationship. Honestly? My husband isn't so much to look at. But what attracted me to him was his character, his heart, his ethics, his sense of humor, his sensitivity and so much more. He's the most incredible man I've ever known, I wouldn't trade him for a hottie ever. As for him, his "dream girl" is a brown-eyed brunette. I have red hair and blue eyes. Doesn't bother me in the least, and why should it? He loves me completely and I know that. I do tend to nudge him and nod when a hot brunette walks by though....! Your boyfriend may not be looking for a "dream girl" or his "dream girl" may be more about what's inside the package than the package itself, and rightly so. Just something to keep in mind. I do understand that you being his "dream girl" and him paying you compliments aren't the same issue and I'm not trying to imply that you should disregard the compliment issue, I think it should be addressed.
But do talk to him, let him know it feels like you're not attractive to him based on his description of others versus his compliments to you.
Edited to say - I almost forgot to say it's nice to see you back on the board. You gave great advice last time you were here!
"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
Edited 2/19/2005 3:34 am ET ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thank you everyone for your answers, I'm glad to find
help here!
I know I posted this on another board before, but I
wouldn't post it again if I would be over it.
Sometimes certain things just take more advice
and more thoughts than others.
I do not wanna give the impression that I am
unhappy in this relationship or anything like
that. I love my boyfriend more than I could ever
love anyone else.
He really is my everything.
The only thing that makes me unhappy is that
whole complimenting thing - to some people it
is important to some people it is not.
I am very young - maybe that makes a difference.
It would mean a lot to me if he complimented me.
Most girls in my age want that kind of attention,
and I don't see anything wrong with it.
Knowing that he thinks I am beautiful is very
important to me.
Maybe that'll change once I am older, but when
you are that young it is important. To me anyway.
Edited 2/19/2005 5:53 am ET ET by inacolada
Edited 2/19/2005 5:56 am ET ET by inacolada
Yep, I know all too well how much a compliment can boost one's day. I'm no longer young, but being able to turn heads can still give me a thrill. Mind you, carting two kids around does seem to make one invisible to the opposite sex LOL
>>It would mean a lot to me if he complimented me.<<
But he *does* tell you that you're cute. And as we discussed on LTAS, 'cute' doesn't always mean children and kittens. You have to take the word in context - when my DH says that someone is 'cute', it's a serious compliment. And I'm sure your BF means the same.
>>Most girls in my age want that kind of attention, and I don't see anything wrong with it.<< When girls are young, very often their self confidence and self esteem is still growing and developing. And needing recognition of our visual assets from friends can be important. However, the person who *really* needs to give you these compliments is not your boyfriend. It's YOU. If you truly believe in yourself, having to hear specific words aren't necessarly in life. Because you simply *know* your own value and worth.
I also wanted to comment further on being "the woman of his dreams".
Firstly, I think that very few men are dating women who look like the woman of their dreams. Quite frankly, unless you look like Jennifer Aniston or Halle Berry you're probably not quite there. And wanting him to feel this way is quite unrealistic.....and will lead to eternal disappoinment for you. Your boyfriend really isn't doing anything wrong - rather, your expectations are much too high.
Just like cl-2nd life, I'm with the man of my dreams. He doesn't look like Brad Pitt, but he's kind and considerate. He's a wonderful father and husband and I can't imagine life without him.
His thoughts on physical beauty? Well, he's the stereo typical male who wants long blonde hair on a woman. (mine is short and reddish) However, despite me not looking like his dream woman, he loves me more than I can imagine. And this is more than enough for me.
Edited 2/19/2005 7:34 pm ET ET by iv_aisha2004
Then I expect different things in a relationship.
I certainly consider my boyfriend the man of my
dreams. He has the whitest smile, the most
beautiful eyes and the hottest butt :-)
I don't have to mention how much I love his
character, because I think he rocks, and he
knows that.
I don't know if it is unrealistic of me to
think that you can meet and be together with
the man or the woman of ones dreams.
If people consider celebrities the women or
man of their dreams then they will be disappointed
no matter what.
Celebrities get only the best stuff to look
their best. If I would have a personal hairdresser,
make-up artist, etc. then I would probably just
look like a celebrity. Everybody could look like
a celebrity if we had all those opportunities.
Make-up works wonders.
And yes, I do expect my boyfriend to notice that
I try to look good and sexy just for him.
I may not be the the woman of his dreams but he
could at least put me close to it, and I don't
think that this is unrealistic.
I know many men who say that their girlfriend
is the sexiest lady to them.
And they mean it.
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