From Marinalyn: How do I become healthy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
From Marinalyn: How do I become healthy?
21
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 12:17pm
I feel very anxious and angry at myself for distroying a perfectly good relationship and wonderful man. He is caring, loving, understanding, patient, doesn't yell, isn't disrespectful, isn't abusive in anyway shape or form, supportive of me in every way, shows concern, buys things for me to help out, takes the trash out without asking, volunteers to help me, encourages me when I am down, writes nice emails and cards, very open with his feelings, doesn't yell or say anything mean, puts me first, cares so much for me that I just can't even list all of his goodness. I have issues that I have carried into this relationship. I was in abusive relationships for from the age of 19 to 36. I have had the best relationship of my whole life now and I have ruined it with my codependency issues, clinginess, moodiness during PMS, trying to control the relationships future without letting it evolve naturally, over-analyzing ever aspect of the relationship, never focusing on all the positive things but would worry about small little insignificant things, I worry, fear, get anxious about stupid things because I have no interests outside of my relationship, and I am sure there is more that I won't bore you with. I feel worse now than when my other relationships ended because I ruined this one all by myself. We have had our ups and downs and he has taken a break from me from time to time. I become a burden or stressful because he feels that he has to be my everything and he has other priorities in his life. He feels that he has told me the things that bother him but I don't change anythings. He feels that I am just not getting it. He is right. I have never not been in a relationship and I don't know how to do it and be happy in the process. I feel like I lost the best thing that has ever happened to me. I feel that I have pushed him away. The recent events will seem minor but it may have been the final push. I came down on him for not talking to me very much and accussing him of talking to somebody else while I was pmsing. Not good. He came over and he looked so worn out and out of gas. He said that I think you want to be my everything but I have too many other things going on in my life to be able to do that. He has two kids, a mom that lives above his business, and family members that work for him and live near him. I tried to apologize for what I have done but he said that I am just not getting it. This was Sunday and I still haven't talked to him. I emailed him and got a very small email back saying that he is worried about his eyes and has so much going on. I sent another email with no response and then yesterday I finally left a message on his answering machine. I rambled on and on about stupid stuff. I don't know where to turn or how to get healthy. I don't regret too much about my old abusive relationships except for not leaving earlier. I knew that I had issues back then but I am so angry that I feel that I have blown this and don't know where to turn. Please help me?

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 12:34pm
Welcome back, Myrinalyn ~ (this is wild, I was just thinking about you yesterday)








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 9:30pm
I'm entirely rewriting the short question I asked of you here, in retrospect, I asked it because it sounds like the same guy, but that doesn't make much difference to my answer.


It sounds like you're quite aware what happened, you have issues carried over from your last relationship, and really, from every relationship you've had for the last 17 years. In short, Myrinalyn, you need to heal yourself from your long past of abusive and dysfunctional relationships, and learn about relationships and yourself in therapy, before you're ready for a new, healthy relationship. I understand that you're upset, that you feel you sabotaged this one, but this should serve to remind you that the healing and the learning have to come before you're capable of carrying on a healthy relationship.


Would it help to know I understand? I dated after I left my abusive ex and before I'd gotten into therapy. The way I knew I should act with this new guy wasn't a way I could make myself act because of my experiences with my ex. The healing, the learning and the un-learning of all those incorrect lessons and messages you got has to come before a healthy relationship can come. You can't hurry it, you have to take the time to do it. It'll be worth it in the end, because you'll be a strong healthy person and you'll find exactly the guy you've always hoped was out there.


Are you still in therapy?









~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown




Edited 2/2/2007 11:48 pm ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 6:56pm

Hi Cl-2nd life,

Yes, it is the same guy. I knew that I had issues before with my previous relationships and I would have tried to fix me but the abusive relationship still would have existed. I know that all the people here were trying to get me to just stay out of abuse. Also, many were concerned that I would get involved in another abusive relationship. I knew this guy from before, we were best friends, and that is why I had tried to say that he is not abusive, and he isn't. He has all the qualities I had ever hoped for in a man and I fell that I have really screwed up this time. I still haven't heard from him since Monday in a very short email.

One thing that I had left out is that one of the issues that we haven't exactly worked out yet is the idea of children. He is 49 and I am 37 years old. He has a 27 year old and a 17 year old. He told me on Sunday that he has enough going on right now to want to have other children. I told him after he was talking that I love him and we went to bed. On Monday, I had to ask a favor from some other guy at work to shovel as well as plow. He answered, "SURE". Then, I thought, well maybe he didn't want to be left alone and maybe I should have called. So, then I emailed him something short so that I wouldn't stress him out while he has so much going on right now. He anwered saying thank you for the nice note and explained how his eyes are bothering him and that he has a lot giong on. So I didn't call until Thursday. I said that I haven't called because I didn't want to stress him out but at the same time I wanted him to know that I care about him and I would take him to the Dr. if he needed me to. I also went on and on about how I knew that he loved me because of all the things that he has done for me around my house and that I really appreciate it and feel his love all around me. I told him it was a good feeling. I also said that I want to get together and talk to him and that I look forward to his call when he gets the chance to. I tried to sound positive but now I wonder if maybe I sounded oblivious.

So far, no emails and no phone calls. I feel so anxious inside I can hardly handle it at all. I am afraid if I don't try and fight and apologize again that I could lose him. My friends all say, don't call and give it time because if I did I could lose him forever. I am also trying to change my thinking. I even told my mom that I didn't want to hear anymore negativity from here. You see all this started because over Christmas, my dad had said that he should either sh*T or get off the pot. My mom said that almost a year and a half is plenty of time to make up his mind. He has already spoke out positive things like the couches he bought for me would one day be in our house. He would say all kinds of stuff like that but instead I focused on the negative. He is such a positive person and so full of life, I feel in a nutshell I sapped out his energy and he needs a break from me.

I don't want to fear or be negative anymore. I just don't know how to get mentally and emotionally better. I made an appointment with my last counselor for next Monday. How did you get better and how did you know when you were better.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 9:34pm
Myrinalyn, the fixing needed to come after you left your last boyfriend. Remember back when you were posting about this new guy we kept telling you that you needed to get through counseling and work through the issues the dysfunctional and abusive relationships had left you with before you would be able to have a good, healthy relationship? This is exactly what we were talking about. In your first post in this thread you said, "I have had the best relationship of my whole life now and I have ruined it with my codependency issues, clinginess, moodiness during PMS, trying to control the relationships future without letting it evolve naturally, over-analyzing ever aspect of the relationship, never focusing on all the positive things but would worry about small little insignificant things, I worry, fear, get anxious about stupid things because I have no interests outside of my relationship, and I am sure there is more that I won't bore you with. I feel worse now than when my other relationships ended because I ruined this one all by myself." That pretty clearly says your old issues are getting in the way of this new relationship, and that pretty clearly outlines the fact that you need to get through therapy before you're ready to move forward with a healthy, happy relationship.


The extra information you gave us really doesn't enter into it, it doesn't make a difference. The fact remains that you need to clean yourself up before you're ready, what he has on his plate doesn't matter. Even if he had no other responsibilities, you would still be codependent, clingy, moody, trying to control the relationships future without letting it evolve naturally, over-analyzing ever aspect of the relationship, never focusing on all the positive things but would worry about small little insignificant things, worrying, fearful, getting anxious about stupid things because you have no interests outside of your relationship. Understand? You have to fix you.


Since you're saying you just made an appointment with your last counselor, I assume that means you haven't been in counseling. Myrinalyn, you can't just walk away from 17 years of dysfunction and abuse without needing to take a good long time to work through the issues it leaves you with.


How did I get better? I went through therapy.


How did I know when I was better? When my therapist said, "I don't think there's any need to continue, I think you're fine." You need to do the same, Myrinalyn. Get into therapy and stay there until your therapist says you're done. Before that happens, you won't be able to have a healthy relationship. You have to do the work first, there's no shortcuts and no getting around it.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 10:08am

Actually, I am still feeling anxious. I think that should be an emotion listed as a choice on the emotiocon.

Anyway, my boyfriend wrote: "There is a bigger list than what you are mentioning. There is a huge part of my heart that habitually wants to come to the rescue to cover you and smother you and save the day. When I do that, it only fogs things more in the long run. When I do that, I continually put anything else in front of my life and well being. It has caught up to me and made me useless, when it is vital that I be on top of things in my life." He also talked about how I don't manage my do (which I do spoil him) and he can't stand how he growls and looks as though he will bite your head off. He said that when he leaves my house it sets his mood for the rest of the day. He also wrote: "I need to be rock solid for my kids and I feel like I've been living some other life and putting the importance of that ahead of what I've created. I need to stay the course with that rather than get sucked down a road with another kid and another family which would result in disaster in what I've already established with my kids. I'm thankful that you have refrained from getting ahold of me because as you can see I'm not in the mood. There are more issues which I consider to be serious, but it remains to be seen if you would recognize them. I care about you, ***, Love, ***"

With all that being said, I guess I have no choice to try and live my life alone without his help which I am not going to get anyway. He gave me meaning and purpose for my life. Without him in it it is really empty and I don't know how to just be happy going to and from work. What kind of life is that? I don't really want to be around my friends because all I do is talk about him and all the mistakes I have made. This might sound like a dumb question, but it sounds like he doesn't want me to respond. How much time needs to go by before I can?

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 11:22am

"He gave me meaning and purpose for my life. Without him in it it is really empty and I don't know how to just be happy going to and from work."








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 10:46am
I spoke with my counselor yesterday. She told me that the only way therapy would work is if I am going for myself and not to get back together with my boyfriend. She told me that I needed to trust her to get better and do the assignments that she asks me to do. The first one was self care to make sure that I brush my teeth, take a shower, and eat healthy even though I may not feel like it. I broke down when she listed what I needed to do. The reason is because it is difficult to do those things when I feel like life doesn't have any meaning. I spoke to my friend that I have known since I was 15 years old. She said that I have mostly been happy when I was in a relationship and unhappy when I am not. Of course, there was never much time between my boyfriends. She said that I am always trying to make the relationship work and seek out others help to help me fix the relationship instead of learning to relax. Speaking of relaxing, this was another thing my therapist wanted me to do, was to do the breathing exercizes to learn how to relax. She said that when I am stressed, the only way I have learned to get rid of the stress is to lash out and say mean things because I don't have control over my emotions. I never thought of that before. I always thought that if I am feeling something than dog gone it I am going to let the person know how I feel. Today, I am going to the doctor to see if I am deficient in vitamin B12. I have read a lot about it lately. Some people have problems obsorbing the vitamin and it can cause depression, chronic fatigue, forgetfulness, lack of concentration, etc. Well, if I have had this problem for most of my life than it just might be my problem. Anti-depressants do not work for me I was on them for about 2 years with my abusive ex boyfriend and all it made me do was tolorate the situation. It wasn't until I was off of it for a year before I finally started to do something about it. I give this board the credit for that. I wouldn't have done it without all the support that I received here. No one seems to remember me except you and I am grateful that you have cared enought to post me back. Thank you. I just haven't been able to figure out how to live with this anxiety that I feel without always thinking that I have to fix my relationship. I have also worn out my friendships as well because I just want them to fix me.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 11:15am
Trust your therapist, Myrinalyn.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 4:33pm

Wow, I remember you, also. I am sorry to hear you stopped going to counseling--the last time I saw one of your posts, you seemed to be making good progress (although you still seemed overly focused on your relationship vs. yourself). I'm curious, why did you stop going?

In any event, I'm glad you're going back--I know various people have said this to you over the time you've been posting, but I think some time on your own while you are in counseling and working on yourself would be a really, really good thing for you. You need to find your "self" before you can be a partner in a healthy relationship.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2002
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 8:04pm
Thank you for remembering me. You know the reason why I had stopped was my boyfriend thought that I was going because I was using her as a crutch. Also, he wouldn't work out with me like we use to when we were friends back in 99 because he didn't want to be a crutch. I myself no without a doubt that I am codependent but working on changing that. A codependent doesn't know how to function or manage their life without someone else to show them the way. I lean to much until the other person feels the wait and eventually falls down like my boyfriend just did. It sucks royally that I have to figure this crap out when it is too late. He has been so afraid of being controlly because of my past experience he ends up holding it all in until he just can't take it anymore. He just wants me to manage my own life, make my own decisions and so on like any other normal adult. I look to him to make all of my decisions because I don't trust myself. This guy just today told me that I can't make any decision and stick to it. I am back and forth back and forth, list the pros and cons, over analyze absolutely everything, I can't make a commitment to even a lunch engagement because I am not sure how I will feel or maybe something else of interest might come up that I would rather do. I did finally hear from my boyfriend today. We only talked about 5 mintues. I tried very hard to keep it light. I did say that I do realize that there are more issues than what I had written in the email but that I didn't want to over-whelm him; myself and my dog. He was dead quiet. Then, he said "Well, I just wanted to see if you were still alive". I am over analyzing everything that I said over and over wondering if I scared him away again. But, somehow I feel better after he called. I guess, not knowing feels worse. I hate the state of limbo which I feel I spent way too much time in. That first week was so crushing, all I did is cry. This girl at work told me last week that I am always crying without a boyfriend. Finding a life is my main goal and hardest one. The reason, I would love to help people in counseling but I feel that I can't because I can't seem to manage my own life and it has held me back from my dream since the 9th grade. I just wish I didn't live in fear and I wish that I knew how to trust myself. The very first counselor told me a long time ago that I didn't trust myself. No I really no what he is talking about. I don't trust any decision I make. I don't trust my abilities to follow through with any decision I make. I live with so much regret you would think I was 80 years old. I just hate how I am. I would like to change. I am making the steps to do so by going to counseling as of yesterday and I saw a regular doctor. They checked my blood to see if I am B12 deficient. I would like the energy to stir up something inside to finally make a move on something. My life feels like its passing me by. I thought a masters degree would at least give me something else to focus on and it would take up most of my free time. It takes from now until summer before even getting in school for next fall. Maybe by then I could handle it. This is my problem. I am not ready now but know that it takes so long to get in and stuff like that. With all being said, I may look into it. Thanks for remembering me. I know for sure I would never end up in another abusive relationship. At least I am over that cycle of abuse for 19 years or so. I thank everyone for that here on this message board.

~Live to be happy~Be happy to live~

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