marriage and baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
marriage and baby
7
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 11:59am

Hello! Here is a question.

My BF and I have been together for a little more than 2 years. We've been talking about marriage and kids for about 6 months. We're both at a point now where we are ready to move forward with our plans. The thing is, he really wants a child right now and so would I, except I want to be married first. He wants to get married too but doesn't see any urgency behind getting married before kids. He has already proposed and we've been shopping for rings but he likes the idea of being engaged for awhile. He doesn't, however, want to wait too long to start trying to conceive. What is the best way to compromise so we both don't feel like we're being rushed into something?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 4:05pm
He doesn't see the urgency of marriage before children because marriage scares the bejeesus out of him. Your boyfriend knows the seriousness and profound meaning behind marriage, and that's why he's ducking and weaving and putting forth these outrageous arguments about having babies first.
Look, if he doesn't want to give you the honor of being his wife, then tell him you won't do him the honor of being his broodmare.
Do not compromise on this. If he want's a longer engagement, fine. But absolutely no children before a sacrament.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 6:48pm

MY stance would be no marriage, no babies. Babies deserve as much of an assurance of a mom and dad as they can get. Which, for me, is marriage.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 7:13pm

I absolutely agree with both previous responses. He wants marriage but wants to wait a while? Fine, tell him babies will come after that. Suppose you have a baby now and he continues to not be ready for marriage "right now". What if he's never ready? What if he changes his mind and decides he doesn't want to be married -- or even that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. Guess who's going to be raising that child?


The fact that he's not ready for marriage indicates he's not ready to do something that he can't just back away from (divorce isn't that easy). I know there's no guarantee that marriage will last, but you need him to be committed enough to you and your relationship to marry before moving forward with a pregnancy.


What are your thoughts?







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"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 8:05pm
I agree, too, I just needed an outsider's opinion. You see, he thinks having a baby together is much more of a committment than being married. He grew up in a broken home which might be having an affect on his thinking. Anyway, I'm going to stick to my initial desires and not compromise on this one. Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 11:27pm

>>You see, he thinks having a baby together is much more of a committment than being married.<<

Thanks for that, I was going to ask *why* he wanted to delay marriage, but you've answered my question.

I am in a long term defacto relationship (13 years) and have two kids. Previous to that I was married but had no kids to that husband. Having experienced the contrasting relationships of "marriage with no kids" and "no marriage with kids" - I also find that kids are much more of a commitment than a marriage certificate is. I walked out on that childless marriage, so I already know that marriage gives no guarantees.

But you didn't come here to find out what others do - you want advice for your own situation :-) However, the way I see it there is no compromise available to you. The only solution for you is to break the problem right down and try to understand exactly where the other is coming from. Perhaps then one of you may alter your opinion.

One problem I do see is that your boyfriend doesn't value marriage in the same way you do. You see, I would marry my partner if it were important to him (and your boyfriend would probably do the same for you) however I would find the whole procedure meaningless - which defeats the purpose. I wonder if he would feel the same as me?

Quite frankly, if marriage is very important to you, I'd suggest that you find somene who shares your values. A marriage where the partners share the same values is the strongest.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 1:26am

I thought the same as you at first. But what got me was that he says he does want to get married. If I were her, with him saying he wants to be married but isn't ready to take the step, I wouldn't be willing to take the step to have a baby.

If he really doesn't want marriage and is just saying he does to make her happy that's not a good sign for any kind of r'ship either. If you can't be honest with your gf/bf...shizer. Besides, if marriage is important to her and not to him they have some major basic areas that aren't coming together like they need to to make it all work.

I think she made the right decision.




Edited 3/25/2006 11:41 am ET by marcymayschwartz
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 1:46am

I too noticed the anomalies in the posts - but I decided to go with the latter hoping that it was the truer statement.

However, it is probably worth examining the anomalies. In the first post, he's not wanting to rush marriage - or get married yet. However, in the latter post, he's feels that marriage is not as much of a commitment as having a child. The two posts about his feelings are contradictory - and I wonder if the OP knows what he REALLY feels.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace