Marriage & Family Falling Apart
Find a Conversation
Marriage & Family Falling Apart
| Thu, 08-10-2006 - 2:14pm |
Hi, My husband, daughter (8)and I are living with my Mother. My husband and I have always (we've been married 18 years) had financial problems due to overusing credit cards and finally had to sell our home in May of this year to pay off debt. We weren't able to pay off the entire amount and now all 3 of us are living in one bedroom upstairs in my Mom's home. My husband works full time and I am trying like heck to find a job so that we can get this debt paid off and start our lives over. The problem is that my Mom has always been a strain on our relationship, since the very beginning. She is very controlling and needy. She doesn't drive and has relied on me to take her grocery shopping, run errands since I've been able to drive at age 16. For the first 10 years of our marriage she expected us to have dinner with her every single night and sit with her until bedtime then go home to our house and be back the next day. Finally, after I was diagnosed with breast cancer six years ago, she had loosened up the chains a little and let us spend more time at home but still expected a daily visit and a few phone calls or else she'd quit speaking or yell at me or something like that. My husband has always been understanding but she drives me nuts and I take it out on him by yelling or picking fights. Anyway, now that were living with her, it's even worse. She gets angry if were not downstairs watching the tv with her or if we don't take her everywhere we go. She picks at me and my daughter constantly. I can usually take it but sometimes I lose my patience and yell back. Then she tells me to go to hell and quits speaking. It really breaks my heart that she picks at my daughter. My daughter has long blonde hair and my Mom threatens to cut it off if she doesn't keep it pinned back, criticizes how she dresses (she always dressed me like a boy and expect that same of my daughter who likes to dress in the latest GIRLS styles), tells her she's too loud, then says she doesn't talk to her enough...I could go on and on. She loves to upset me and make me feel guilty if I go away for the day with my family and she doesn't go. She whispers to me that my husband is stealing food and going through the cabinet....I explained to her that since he LIVES here he should be allowed to get a snack from the cabinet. We buy our own groceries but she won't let us keep them in our room because she says we'll draw ants or mice. I realize I'm going on and on, but thats also part of the problem...I do nothing but vent to my husband on the phone all day and when he gets home. I can't help it..she drives me crazy and I feel so trapped and helpless. My daughter can't sleep at night anymore, she is growing more and more quiet and won't even play games or anything with us anymore. We have always been so close. She says she feels like she can't breathe anymore and has had one anxiety attack. My husband says it will be okay and we'll get through this but I don't know if we'll ever recover. Especially if I can't get a job! We'll be here forever. We've always been such a close couple and family...now we can't even have sex because were crammed in this room altogether and theres no door on it, just a blanket that I hung up. Our hope is to get the debt paid off and buy another house...but should we move out and get an apartment and just live with the minimum payments? I want financial freedom so that we can travel and take our daughter places. It doesn't do any good to talk to my Mom because she says it's all in my head and she's done nothing wrong. My husband sees it so I know it's not just me. And I know it's sweet of her to let us stay here rent free but I think it's slowly killing us. I feel so out of control of my life. What if the cancer comes back before I get to enjoy life and my daughter again? I hope noone thinks I'm nuts...but maybe I am because I feel like I've lost my mind. My poor husband is trying to call me as I type this but I just don't feel like talking because it never does any good so I'm not answering the phone. Our marriage has withstood an affair, financial stress and cancer...what if we can't make it through this?

taytaysma,
I really, really feel like you need to get out of your Mom's house. You said she expected you to come to dinner every night for the first 10 years. You and your DH are adults, you can choose to go to her house, or not. She didn't MAKE you come, you chose to. If she gets mad, then she gets mad.
Think of it this way, if you stay, she's going to have you so busy with errands that you can't get a job so you aren't going to have that extra income. If you move out, and get a job then your income will go for the apt., daycare, and bills. That may not leave anything from your check to contribute to paying off your debt, but at least you will be out from under your Mother and be happy.
You and your DH have to take responsibility for your debt. Sure it would be great to be able to travel and show your daughter different places but you need to work on the debt first. It sounds as if your daughter is young so you'll have time. I know that I travelled a few places when young but I vaguely remember them. The things I do remember were the trips to the lake, fishing with my family, having bbq's at the farm. It's the times that you, DH, and your daughter spend together as a family that she'll remember and cherish, not the places she gets to go.
My vote is to stop letting your mother control your life, and get out. It would be much healthier for your family.
You know, my first instinct was to respond that you need to get out of there as quickly as possible.
>>now we can't even have sex because were crammed in this room altogether and theres no door on it, just a blanket that I hung up. Our hope is to get the debt paid off and buy another house...but should we move out and get an apartment and just live with the minimum payments? I want financial freedom so that we can travel and take our daughter places.<<
Is this a price you are willing to pay? No sex, your daughter's mental well-being, no privacy... So you can travel and take your daughter places sooner?
How is this.... If you were to get hit by a train tomorrow, would you have died happy? Would you have spent the last months of your life content and at peace?
Sure, paying down debt is GREAT and I highly encourage it. I also encourage no more CCs. But living life with peace and dignity is priceless.
Jen
P.S. And I completely 2nd Kimbirdy's comments.
Then there's you and your husband. You're miserable, he's miserable and you know this situation is having a very negative affect on you marriage. You're even wondering if your marriage will be able to withstand it. If your relationship ends, you won't be buying that house anyway. Wouldn't you be better off living a happy life with your husband than living in hell, destroying yourself, your daughter, your marriage, your family?
Honestly, if I were you, I'd rather live in a cardboard box in an alley somewhere than in the environment you're in. You would be much happier in the cardboard box. Moving as soon as you possibly can is imperative to all of you IMO.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"