Marriage issue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2006
Marriage issue
29
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 1:22pm
Ok, me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 1/2 years and living together for about 2 years. I am 21 and he is 22. Now I love him very very much and we have such an incredible relationship with no drama or problems for the most part. The problem is that I am wanting to get married and I don't think it is going to happen. I have brought up the issue to him many times, but I probably haven't been as serious as I should have been when discussing it I guess. I have let him know that I want to get married soon, and he even took me into a jewelry store to see what kind of ring I would want. That was a year ago. He has called me his wife before, but every time I bring up the issue it's like he thinks I'm being silly for talking about it. His parents are divorced and his dad is now on his 3rd marriage. My parents have been married for 25 years and are still together so I see where the difference of opinion on marriage might come from. He even talks about when we have kids and it's like he has just completely skipped the marriage part. It's not that he doesn't have the money for a ring because he has taken several loans out for various car parts and "toys" I like to call them. My mother has even saved up $3,000 to give to us when we are ready to get married. I know the committment is there in our relationship and that he wants me to be with me forever, but I want the legality of it. I want to know that I have the right to make decisions should he get injured, I want to have some rights for us as a couple by law. I feel like by me living with him that he thinks we don't have to take another step because he is comfortable. I am confused on if I let this go too long and now I can't fix it, or if there is something I can do to open his eyes to how important it is for us to be married. I don't want criticism, I need someone to tell me what they would do in my situation.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 3:56pm

jenn2350_06,

Let me say that as a woman who got engaged at 19, married at 20, divorced at 22, please don't rush into this. You are only 21 and trust me you will not be who you are now at 25. Both you and him are going to change. I know that you will only take this as my opinion, but please look at this as someone who has been where you are now. To be honest, I probably wouldn't have listened if someone told me I was too young, I would change, we would grow apart, blah blah blah. Looking back on it, I wish someone would have and I wish I would have listened.

What would I do in your situation......I would move out of his house and live on my own for atleast 2 years. You don't have to break up with him, but you should live on your own and learn to take care of yourself first. Then, don't move back in until you have that ring on your finger. You both are still in the stages of growing up. I say that because of the example you gave that he spends money on toys. He's going to do that for awhile, I would say until atleast 26-28. He's 22, he's still young, learning and growing. And you know what, he should have that. With that, if he's too into spending on things that he really doesn't need, frankly he's not mature enough to be a husband, father and provider. I don't think I was grown up until 26, to be honest. :)

I went from my parents house to our house, never learning that I can take care of me. Learning who I was, what I wanted, what I could do for myself. After my divorce I did that, I got my own place and I lived for me. It was amazing and I learned so much. I dated of course, but nothing too serious. After a few years I was able too. Let me tell you that just this last February I got married again. My DH is more perfect for me then I could have ever imagined my ex-H to be. They are complete opposites too.

I'm not trying to imply that you are your BF aren't going to make it. I'm just trying to say, wait. I know it's hard, you want that wedding, you want that marriage, that committment. But honey, if any of that is rushed it will be ruined and it won't last.

Best of luck,
defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 4:19pm
Well I can say that if you ask any of my friends they will say I am the same boring person I was when I was 16. I have always been more mature for my age and that is the main reason I don't have any close friends because they all went down the path of partying and drinking and sleeping around and I am wise enough to know that's not for me. As for the moving out part, I cannot afford to. I can barely make it paying $300/month for rent (We live in my boyfriend's father's house that my boyfriend grew up in and he rents it to us)and I cannot move back in with my parents because since I moved out and my sister moved out they got a smaller house for just the two of them. I am a very independent person and I do not lean on my boyfriend to do anything for me. I change my own oil in my truck, I can do any maintenance things around the house, etc. As for the "toys" when we first met his house looked like a used car lot outside. His father is 41 years old and still changes his mind on projects more then his underwear. My problem is the priority of asking me to marry him vs. the priority of having a new car or truck or jeep to play with. How do I make him realize that this is a priority for me and that he needs to shift his focus if he wants it too? Like I said we have been together for 3 1/2 years and I am not trying to rush anything. I wouldn't care if he asked me to marry him now and we didn't marry for 2 years. I just want him to tell me what he wants for our future and if he doesn't ever plan to marry me I need to know so I can move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 6:32pm

jenn2350_06,

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I didn't do that either. That's not what "growing up and becoming your own person" entails.

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If you guys aren't able to afford alot of things now, what do you think it's going to be like with a couple of kids?? I know now why he doesn't want to get married and I have to say I think he's being the smart one here. You guys aren't set in life, you don't have good jobs, a good savings and income level, no house (owned), you are just starting out in life. and he doesn't feel that he can support a wife and family right now so he's choosing to not have that wife and family. That's smart.

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To be all honest, this sentence makes me think that you are alittle more wanting the ring, the attention, the excitment of being "engaged" and planning a wedding. I know you are going to say it's not, because it's more about the committment, but engagements get called off all the time. Engagement's don't mean forever. Yes, it's a step forward, but it's not everything.

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That's because of his age. He's not wanting to get married right now because he knows that he is not husband, father, provider material right now. There is nothing wrong with that and actually I commend him for recognizing that instead of caving in to your wants for marriage only to later realize he can't be what you expect, make him feel less of a man and then you have a divorce on your hands.

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You can't. He has to do that on his own when he is grown up enough to do that on his own.

Bottom line is in my opinion you are going to ruin this. You're going to either push him into something he's not ready for which will only end in divorce or he's going to get tried of you bringing it up all the time and leave. I have to say also, in my experience and opinon, pushing, rushing, nagging and whinning about something you want doesn't make wife and mother material either. Marriage isn't this rose colored world, where everything is an easy partnership filled with everything you want and need. Believe me, marriage is harder then you think, it takes more work then you could ever imagine and if you aren't ready, it will chew you up and spit you out.

Marriage is about so much more then you think it is.

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 8:05pm
My question to you then is if we have already made it work for the last 3 1/2 years and living together for 2, therefore obviously doing something right so far, then why the hell does a piece of paper and a ring change us being able to work in a "marriage"? Obviously the fact that we are officially "married" will not change who we are to each other and our relationship toward one another will not be different. We will still have the same financial worries, and work stresses, and other things and for your information he has been working for the State of Texas Highway Department for over 4 years, and plans to retire there, already has a 401k and other benefits set up, what I was telling you is that I cannot make it on my own. I think we live a very comfortable life right now and being married will not make things worse. My parents as I told you who have been married for 25 years, also only knew each other 3 months from the time they met to the time they married, so I dont think everyone fits into a "mold" just because yours didnt work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 8:35pm

jenn2350_06,

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Well my parents have been married 37 years so what does that have anything to do with it?? Just because your parents have been married you will automatically be good at it?? Yes, I'm sure just like mine yours have set a good example. But examples can only be followed with your best intentions, they aren't guarentees.

As for my first marriage not working, the reason why was because I was young and I rushed it. I thought after 5 years together, 8th grade year through graduation, we were going to be together forwever, we were going to work, why not, we did for the last 5 years?? We must work for it to be that long. But you know what, no matter what you think, you are going to change as a person. We all do, that is apart of growing up. And sometimes in those changes we find that things we thought we wanted turn out to be not right for us. That was the reason for my divorce.

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You know I thought that very same thing. What's the difference?? The difference is that right now you're BF isn't feeling the pressure. Sure there are bills now, sharing space, dealing with fights. But that is nothing compaired to having a child, raising a family and PROVIDING for them. Especially providing all of this with a woman who doesn't take his wants and needs into consideration. If your BF was ready for all of this, and since you have pointed out he financially could, don't you think he would be going along with what you want??

Have you ever stopped and took a step back and wondered why he's waiting?? Wondered about what he wants to accomplish first in life before having a wife and a family?? Or is it all about what YOU want and want to know??

Best of luck,
defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 12:51am

Wow kiddo, I sure as heck hope you've changed (grown, matured) since you were 16! You may be "mature for your age", but a lot of maturity comes from life experience, which, at the age of 16 you have not been alive long enough to have, nor have you lived in the adult world, which is necessary for that experience. Not only that, science has shown that the brain does not stop developing until the age of 25 - at the least (it may stop later, but it doesn't stop sooner - so unless you have a medical problem that has halted your brain's ability to grow, you're still in the changing process. I've known several 16-year olds that were very mature for their age, and they're still very immature in the realm of the adult world. Likewise 21 year olds. I know you don't believe it, none of us did at your age. And yet, here we are on the other side of it saying, "yep, it's true". It's not due to senility or a brainwashing that happens as you grow older, it's because we can look back and see how very wrong we were and how, at 21 we thought we knew everything, certainly we knew exactly what we wanted for our adult lives, but several more years down the road we found that we didn't know squat and what we thought we wanted isn't close to what we want now. It's fact.


Defleppardgal has given you incredibly good advice. She's right on and if you follow her suggestions you'll thank yourself and her down the road.


Since you aren't going to take her advice, I'll respond to your question.

"My problem is the priority of asking me to marry him vs. the priority of having a new car or truck or jeep to play with. How do I make him realize that this is a priority for me and that he needs to shift his focus if he wants it too? Like I said we have been together for 3 1/2 years and I am not trying to rush anything. I wouldn't care if he asked me to marry him now and we didn't marry for 2 years. I just want him to tell me what he wants for our future and if he doesn't ever plan to marry me I need to know so I can move on." I'd guess he knows it's a priority for you, but the thing is, it's not a priority for him. He's pretty clearly telling you by his actions if he's not telling you in words. You can't expect your priority to be anyone else's. If you could, it would be just as appropriate for you to be expected to change your priorities to make his vehicles your top priority. You have your wants and needs and he has his. The telling point is that your wants and needs and his wants and needs don't match. So what do you do? Get outta there, get your own place, live your adult life and gain some life experience. Go ahead and keep seeing him, but don't make him your life, make your life your life. Make him and your relationship with him secondary. If it works out that he's ready to get engaged and/or married and you're still interested, great! If you need it now, you'll have to find it with someone else because he's not interested. But, I've got to tell you, there's no guarantee he'll ever be interested. You can only look at people as they are right now in making decisions about your life. Projecting what you want, what you hope they'll turn out to do or be will only get you a lot of wasted time and disappointment.

Take your time kiddo, don't rush things. If it's right it'll still be right a few years down the road. If it's not right, waiting will save you a lot of pain and trouble.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 9:38am
I wasn't saying that at 16 I had reached my maturity for life. I was simply saying that while everyone around me has change their lifestyles and the way they look at things, I might have changed the kind of music I listened to, or the style of clothing I wear, but me as a person has not changed hardly at all. I graduated high school with a 3.9 GPA. I am not a stupid person nor am I a "kiddo" and I think that is a very condescending way to talk to someone you don't know. I don't see why by me saying I am ready for marriage automatically everyone thinks I am too young and I am "rushing" it. There are people out there who got married when they were 13 and died together in their 90's. By me saying that my parents only knew each other for 3 months before they got married I was saying that there is no statistic for marriage out there that will fit everyone. Sure, some people don't make it and the divorce rate is very high.
My original post was pointing out the fact that the actions my boyfriend has may not show that he is ready for marriage, but why does he sometimes call me his wife? Why does he talk about when we have kids later on down the road? Why does he take me into a ring store to look for the type of ring I would like and then not show any signs of following through any time soon? Usually that would be a sign that he is somewhat ready to take a step like that. All I want is for him to tell me what he wants for his future and if I am definitely in it or not so I don't feel as though I am being led in that direction. If he doesn't want it now then he shouldn't bring it up in conversations that we have as though he is ready. He calls me by my name but puts his last name in the place of mine sometimes. If he is not ready anytime soon, why would he be talking about it in the present tense like he does. This may seem one-sided like I am the pushy one and I am rushing him and he is completely innocent in making me think he is ready and he is the smart one and I am the dumb "kiddo" that doesn't know what a stupid decision I am making by just WANTING him to tell me when he is ready and stop leading me on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 11:13am

Okay, try this reason.

He talks about it like he does because he knows it's important to you and he wants to keep you there with him. Even though he has no intentions of marrying you anytime soon. He does it solely because he thinks it is what you want and need to hear to stay with him. NOT because it's important to him at this time.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 11:32am
I would believe that but in our conversations we have I talk about it just as much as he does sometimes. I'm not even the one to bring it up during some of them. It's not like I get down on my knees and beg him, most of the time if I even talk about it it's just casual talk. We don't sit down and have serious conversations about it because I don't want him to feel that I am pressuring him. I guess I should just let it go and let him be the one to bring it up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 12:48pm

jenn2350_06,

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Do you want to know why the divorce rate is so high?? Alot of it has to do with people in their early 20's getting into relationships where they think they know who they are enough to be married. Then after a few years of growing they realize that they aren't as compatable for marriage as they thought they were. I know, I'm one of them.

I realize that you're thinking that since your parents have done it that it's not always the case. I thought that too because my parents were married at 20 and 21. However, back then things were alot different.

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The reason I was abit harsh with you in saying that you should wait and you're rushing was because in my humble opinion the words that you use in your posts don't say to me that you are ready for marriage.

The reasons you gave, if one of you got injured and you want to be recognized as a couple to the state aren't reasons that are very normal. People get married because they want to have an equal partnership, they both know what they want, who they are and are in love enough to want to do it together. Some of them because they want to start a family and provide for that family. When my DH and I decided that we were going to get married, injuries and the state was the farthest thing from my mind. I guess that's because I had the independence to know that I could take care of myself and us on my own, so if something happened, we would be ok. I mean think about it you stated that you could not afford to be on your own. If something happened to him could you take care of you or the both of you?? I'm guessing that because you can barely afford the $300 rent your answer is no. That's not the sign of a couple who is ready for marriage.

The committement of marriage puts a pressure on a relationship that you can't even imagine right now. That's why I say that marriage is about alot more then you think it is.

Another reason I was so harsh was because all your post was about how you can MAKE him see things your way. How you can MAKE him have your priorities in life and want the same things. How you can MAKE him be what you want. Those qualities are not the qualities of a wife. He is going to have his own wants, needs, priorities and he should. He is 22 years old. Sure he has a stable job and you guys live comfortably, but that still doesn't mean that he's ready to provide for a wife and kids.

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You just answered it....because it's later on down the road. I just think that he thinks the road is longer then you do.

<< Why does he take me into a ring store to look for the type of ring I would like and then not show any signs of following through any time soon? Usually that would be a sign that he is somewhat ready to take a step like that. >>

I have to agree with imasillynut in that I'm sure he's doing those things to keep you around. He knows that they are important and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, so he makes you feel better about the situation by doing those things to keep you happy.

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He has told you. It just hasn't been with the words you want to hear. His actions have told you. Now, with that if you want to be the step in the right direction with this realtionship and make it work so that it does end up with the marriage you're so after you need to step up and say "Look, I know that you don't want to get married right now and even though I do, I'm going to wait because I can feel that we would be really great. But, first we need to cut the last name bit, the talk about kids, the "wife" calling. We need to be adults here, we need to stop focusing on the road 50 miles from here and start focusing on the road that's below us." That sentence my dear is the start of being adult enough to be ready for marriage.

Best of luck,
defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

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