Marriage issue
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Marriage issue
| Wed, 05-03-2006 - 1:22pm |
Ok, me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 1/2 years and living together for about 2 years. I am 21 and he is 22. Now I love him very very much and we have such an incredible relationship with no drama or problems for the most part. The problem is that I am wanting to get married and I don't think it is going to happen. I have brought up the issue to him many times, but I probably haven't been as serious as I should have been when discussing it I guess. I have let him know that I want to get married soon, and he even took me into a jewelry store to see what kind of ring I would want. That was a year ago. He has called me his wife before, but every time I bring up the issue it's like he thinks I'm being silly for talking about it. His parents are divorced and his dad is now on his 3rd marriage. My parents have been married for 25 years and are still together so I see where the difference of opinion on marriage might come from. He even talks about when we have kids and it's like he has just completely skipped the marriage part. It's not that he doesn't have the money for a ring because he has taken several loans out for various car parts and "toys" I like to call them. My mother has even saved up $3,000 to give to us when we are ready to get married. I know the committment is there in our relationship and that he wants me to be with me forever, but I want the legality of it. I want to know that I have the right to make decisions should he get injured, I want to have some rights for us as a couple by law. I feel like by me living with him that he thinks we don't have to take another step because he is comfortable. I am confused on if I let this go too long and now I can't fix it, or if there is something I can do to open his eyes to how important it is for us to be married. I don't want criticism, I need someone to tell me what they would do in my situation.

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I don't know where you got your information, but the US census bureau information says that the median age for first marriages is 26 for women and 28 for men. These marriages last on average 8 years, and 45% of these end in divorce because of an affair, 25% end because of financial differences, and 17% end because of stated irreconcilable differences. It also stated that couples who have children together usually have marriages that last on average 30-40% longer because they are more willing to try harder to save a marriage then people who just give up because of a simple fight. There are alot of different reasons people divorce and alot of different reasons things don't work out for a lot of different people. Saying that most divorces happen because people are too young and they grow apart is very ignorant on your part and you have no evidence to support your assumption.
"I don't want criticism, I need someone to tell me what they would do in my situation."
You have decided what you want.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
I want my boyfriend to tell me what he wants instead of clamming up and acting embarrassed when I ask him important questions for the future. I need to know how to get him to have an adult conversation with me for once instead of trying to get around the real issue.
Re-read the above paragraph.
Peace,
Di
***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***
jenn2350_06,
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Hmmm, now why would a husband or wife have an affair.......Umm, maybe it's because they GREW APART and realized that they weren't compatiable to be married. They have needs and wants that their partner can't feed anymore, usually because that partner has emotionally checked out as well and instead of ending it like adults, they feed their needs with someone else. Hence, growing apart.
<<25% end because of financial differences>>
In growing and changing we often change our views about money and how to spend it. Growing in different directions about what's important and what's not. Hence, growing apart.
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Which means.....we've grown apart.
Granted this can happen to any couple at any age, however it is and has been known to be more apparent in younger couples. It's a fact of life. It's funny though how you only brought up the census for the average age of 26 and 28. Have you done any research on 20, 21 and 22 year olds?? Maybe you should do your research first too. I know I did and I found some really interesting things.
All we have been trying to say is instead of trying to push, prod and pick apart your BF and what he says, take his actions at face value. Those are what he's really thinking. But, you know what, think what you want. I just love how you think at 21 you know more then me about how the real world and a marriage works. Honey, I was going through a divorce, living on my own, working two jobs to support myself, paying my own bills, taking care of myself, you know....BEING A GROWN UP before you were even driving. But, I'm sorry I guess I didn't know that at 25 we become stupid and our life experiences don't mean squat. And you are calling me ignorant??
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Edited 5/4/2006 6:00 pm ET by defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
Defleppardgal:
Jenn is not saying she wants to get married today....................she wants to know if he is 100% serious about marrying her SOMEDAY, when they are ready. There is nothing wrong with a little assurance in a serious relationship.
magwaigiz,
But wouldn't him talking about it, calling her his wife, calling her by his last name, be considered the reasurance that you are saying is all she's looking for?? I mean, if all she's looking for is "someday" then him saying "someday" LIKE SHE HAS SAID THAT HE HAS, should have been enough. Nope, sorry I just don't buy that, but who am I. Don't worry I'll leave the girl alone from now on.
defleppardgal
P.S. I think it would be very beneficial for the OP and her BF if she printed these posts and let him read them. Maybe between the opinions of other people and her expressing her deepest feelings (that maybe she can't get across to him verbally) across to him. Maybe this would open up their communication.
Edited 5/5/2006 1:22 am ET by defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
You're upset because you want people to tell you what they'd do if they were you? We've all told you what we think about your situation and what we think you should do. The only thing lacking are the words "If I were you I would.... (add the rest of our posts here), but I don't think any of us thought that was necessary. I think we're giving you exactly what you've asked for, you just don't like what we're saying.
That being the case, I suggest the following might be more helpful to you:
Recommended Websites For Young Adults
And I'm sorry, age at marriage has a direct correlation to the divorce rate. The younger you are at the time of marriage (not fully matured) the higher the likelihood you'll divorce. Yep, there's always a few stand outs that married at 13 after knowing each other for two weeks who were happily married for 90 years. There are many, many more examples of couples who married in their late teens/early 20's and ended in divorce. Like it or not, it's a fact.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
Edited 5/5/2006 2:56 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
The problem is, that his telling her now that he wanted to marry her someday wouldn't be much comfort or much to bank on since what he wants today isn't likely to be at all what he wants someday. It would behoove her to stop focusing on marriage someday and start focusing on her life today -- and by her life I mean hers, alone, not him. He seems to know better than to make promises about what he'll want in the future.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
you write: " My problem is the priority of asking me to marry him vs. the priority of having a new car or truck or jeep to play with. How do I make him realize that this is a priority for me and that he needs to shift his focus if he wants it too? "
The operative phrase in this is that it's a priority FOR YOU;
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