Marriage issue
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Marriage issue
| Wed, 05-03-2006 - 1:22pm |
Ok, me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 1/2 years and living together for about 2 years. I am 21 and he is 22. Now I love him very very much and we have such an incredible relationship with no drama or problems for the most part. The problem is that I am wanting to get married and I don't think it is going to happen. I have brought up the issue to him many times, but I probably haven't been as serious as I should have been when discussing it I guess. I have let him know that I want to get married soon, and he even took me into a jewelry store to see what kind of ring I would want. That was a year ago. He has called me his wife before, but every time I bring up the issue it's like he thinks I'm being silly for talking about it. His parents are divorced and his dad is now on his 3rd marriage. My parents have been married for 25 years and are still together so I see where the difference of opinion on marriage might come from. He even talks about when we have kids and it's like he has just completely skipped the marriage part. It's not that he doesn't have the money for a ring because he has taken several loans out for various car parts and "toys" I like to call them. My mother has even saved up $3,000 to give to us when we are ready to get married. I know the committment is there in our relationship and that he wants me to be with me forever, but I want the legality of it. I want to know that I have the right to make decisions should he get injured, I want to have some rights for us as a couple by law. I feel like by me living with him that he thinks we don't have to take another step because he is comfortable. I am confused on if I let this go too long and now I can't fix it, or if there is something I can do to open his eyes to how important it is for us to be married. I don't want criticism, I need someone to tell me what they would do in my situation.

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so, what's most
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I am already in a relationship with my best friend and the person who has always and still makes me feel complete.
If you read any of the previous posts, you would know that he is financially, emotionally, and mentally ready for it but there is something holding him back. He has given me a promise ring and told me he wants to marry me. That was also years ago, and he took it back and neither one of us said anything about it again. And I ALSO said that the ONLY reason I want to be married is for the security of life if we are to have children or something were to happen to one of us. You don't have any rights as a couple if you aren't married. I would go down to the courthouse and get paperwork to become commonlaw if he would just tell me what he wants. I DONT WANT A HUGE WEDDING OR RING or anything fancy I just want the security of being with the man that I want to be with forever in a way that is legal and secure for both of us. I will drop it and let you people tell each other what an idiot and immature little twit I am, I am done.
jenn2350_06,
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Yeah, it's the fact that he's 22 and doesn't want marriage right now. When are you going to take off those blinders and SEE THAT??? From the way that he acts and the things that he says (you say he clams up and doesn't talk to you about the topic) CLEARLY states that he is NOT ready emotionally and mentally like you THINK that he is. Again I have to ask, have you ever stepped back and thought about what he wants in life and wants to accomplish FIRST before having to provide for a wife and children or is it just all about YOU??
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I would highly suggest taking responisbility here as an adult and making sure that children are not brought into your lives unless you were married.
Also, as I stated before those are not reasons to get married. In my opinion I think that you are scared because you know if something were to happen to him you couldn't make it on your own nor could you take care of the both of you. That's NOT ready for marriage. That's JUST STARTING OUT IN LIFE and needs to be developed before marriage.
The only reason we are all "attacking" you (which is what you think) is because you AREN'T caring about his feelings at all in this situation. You have constantly wrote over and over about HOW to MAKE him see it your way. All we have been trying to say is that you CAN'T because he is his own person with wants and needs. You seem so intent on marriage that you are willing to throw his feelings to the curb to get what you want. You came here wanting to know how you can manipulate him into giving in to what you want. THAT IS NOT WIFE MATERIAL.
What I don't understand are these "rights" that you say couples don't have. Before DH and I got married, we got some joint credit cards, purchased furniture together, rented a house (that is not either one of our parents). My ex-DH and I even BOUGHT our house before we were married. I know that you've brought up the injury thing, but I guess it's just odd to me that you would think of that. I mean, so what if something happens to him, his insurance will cover HIS bills and since you have stated that you are so independent and ready for marriage then you just take care of yourself and everything is great. And since you have also stated that you can barely afford your rent, (wow, what a contradiction you gave) if you get hurt then it should be find because it's not like you are contributing much anyways, I'm sure if he's financially ready to take care of a wife and children then he certainly could take care of you if you got hurt. Do you get my pattern here??? Your reasons just DON'T FLY with me.
You asked in your first post what we would do in your situation. All we have done is just that, you are the one who is snapping back because none of what we said has been what you have wanted to hear. I find it kind of funny too how in most of my (actually pretty much everyone's too) posts you never respond to the WHOLE post. You only respond to things that you THINK you can argue with. Kind of makes me wonder why. Could it be that I'm (with everyone else) right and you just don't want to admit it??
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Edited 5/6/2006 6:13 pm ET by defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
Nobody said you were an immature little twit. Again, Jen, we've all been right where you are, thinking exactly the same things you're thinking. We know what's around the corner for you, we've been around that corner that you haven't gotten to yet. We're offering you the benefit of our knowledge and experience. It's not surprising you aren't happy with what we've said, and it's not surprising you don't believe it, agree with it or like it. You'll probably hate to hear it, but yours is a very typical response for your age group. I'll say to you what I've said to the others who've been upset at our responses. Come back in ten years and tell us what you think.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
you write: "If you read any of the previous posts,"
My comprehension of your 'problem' is not in question...
Ha.. you took the words right out of my mouth.. funny..:)
" adopting a nasty attitude, like you've demonstrated here when you don't get your way, is probably why your boyfriend isn't quick on the uptake when it comes to giving in to your demands. "
To the OP: I think that the people here have given really good advice, but you dont seem to be HEARING what they are saying. Your boyfriend is not ready for marriage and there really isnt anything you can do to make him, other than back off. Given by your reaction on this board I suspect that you dont really like taking NO for an answer in many aspects of your life. You might want to look at that aspect of your personality, because in any relationship compromise is the key. LISTENING to the other person is also key.
Have you ever wondered why your boyfriend prefers to hem-and haw over everything instead of coming out and actually telling you what he thinks? Could it be that he's scared of your reaction? Could it be that he feels very pressured by your need to have YOUR wants met and he feels that your relationship has been all about keeping YOU happy?
I am not suggesting that is indeed the case. All I am saying (and what everyone else is saying) is that the lack of introspection on your part, and the constant focus on "How do I get my way", a tendency you've repeatedly demonstrated, isnt exactly recipe for a happy long term marriage. To love someone is to actually think for the person.. you know? To want that person's best interests at heart.. and it seems that you are not at that stage yet when you've started doing that for your boyfriend. You will be better off if you're married.. have you asked your bf whether he thinks that he'll be better off in any way? Does he think that you will bring something to the table that will add to his life? MAybe he doesnt think that, yet. Maybe he will, as your relationship and your love solidifies.. .but obviously he doesnt see any real "gain" from getting married yet.. spiritual, emotional, physical... financial... nothing.. and after all people get married because they WANT to. BEcause they feel that the person's contribution to their life is indispensible and so great that they dont want to part with him/her.. If I were you, instead of being so defensive I would actually think about the man you think you want to marry. What does he want for HIMSELF? what does he want to accomplish.. have a real talk. and dont whine and try to impose what you want on him.
Do read the posts again when you're in a good mood and not fixating on why your BF wont propose (I suspect that you think about that ALOT).. and maybe you'll finally understand what people have been trying to tell you.
Good luck with everything.
Hey Jenn. I'm 21 going on 22 and my husband is 24. We've been married for going on two years now and we too have a wonderful relationship. I love my husband with all my heart. Okay enough gushing. Girl, let me tell you something. The two of you already sound married, but there is a huge difference. After my Husband and I got married, it didn't feel any different. We were still us, but we just had a title now. After a few days I began to feel married to him and it's crazy, wonderful but crazy. It sounds like the two of you love one another very deeply and that is priceless, it's quiet in a storm, but I understand how you feel. My husband was deployed before we married, he was gone for seven months and I tried to die. When he came back off of deployment he wanted to bring me a gift from Africa and he kept asking me what size shoe I wore. Well I didn't want a pair of shoes. I felt like you did. I wanted a ring, and at that time I didn't mean I wanted him to propose I just wanted a piece of jewelry from him, something I could keep while he was away. Well, when he got into town I was no good, girl I was crying and hugging him and just carrying-on something awful. That night I made up my mind to ask him for it, and I was terrified. It took me four hours and an argument to tell him I wanted a ring, my hearts pounding now just thinking about it. Well he didn't say anything about it for the rest of the evening or the next day at the mall. But that night he presented to me my engagment ring which I did not know was an engagment ring. My mother had to tell me I was engaged. I'm telling you all of this to say, that if that is the man you love, and if that is the man you want, keep him. Do not let him get away from you. All of this talk about not being sure and how he jokes around about it is fear talking. Take the plunge, it's worth it.
Good Luck
CareerGirl84
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