Marriage Timeline Question

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Marriage Timeline Question
9
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 4:29pm
Okay, so BF and I have been together for 1 year, known eachother for 4. I have a two year old daugter whom he adores, and who adores him.
I have always wanted to be a wife and a mother, so understandably, I am wondering if this relationship is headed down that road.
He says he isn't ready for those things yet. But I don't want to waste my time. Is it okay for me to ask him to give me a timeline as to when he will be ready? I don't want to be with him for 3 years if he's never going to commit. I don't have that kind of time.
We are both 23 (will be 24 in three months).
Please help me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 4:46pm

Yes, of course it's OK. It's your life too and as a mother, you need to be able to plan your and your daughter's futures. Not only that, but you don't want your daughter to get any more attached to a man if he's not going to be a part of her long term future. Can you imagine her heart ache if you were to break up?

My only suggestion is to not simply ask him for his timeline. But to discuss it together and find something that you're both comfortable with. This would be a good test of his character....can he listen to what's important to you and open up his heart and mind accordingly?

(However, if he should hear what's on your mind and the result is to shut down, then you've got a big red flag sitting infront of you. This should be a dealbreaker for you)

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 4:58pm
Thank you for your help. I had avoided discussing it with him for awhile because I was afraid he would think that I was demanding a ring or something. But when I finally did, all he said was that he wasn't ready. I had asked him to tell me if he was never going to want those things, becuase if that's the case, then I need to move on.
And he told me that he had worried about my daughter too, that he was worried if he left, whether or not it would screw her up. Which I appreciate, most men don't care if the kid's not theirs.
I am planning on discussing it further, I know he's afraid, his parents were married for a long time and then out of the blue divorced and told him that they had only stayed together for the children. Which really screwed him up, and his mother is a nightmare, which leads to other issues we have. Like the fact that we have been together for a year and his parents don't even know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 3:09am

I assume that when you asked him to tell you if he didn't want marriage in his future he said he did? Does he give his parents' divorce as a reason for his reluctance? Why don't his parents know you're together?


I agree that setting a timeline is perfectly fine, but I'd also like to suggest that as much as you'd like to marry, waiting another few years would be a really good idea, you're in your early 20's and you still have some emotional/maturity changes coming up ahead, waiting until you're through with them will assure that you're making a husband choice that's really right for you - and the same for him too.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 8:46am
He actually never answered me when I asked him if he did want to get married in the furture. Previously he has said that he never wanted to nor did he want kids, but being with me and my daughter has changed his mind. At least about children, he said he had never realized how wonderful they are. He adores her. But he hasn't said anything about marriage.
I don't know why he hasn't told his parents, he has said that he is just really private about things like that, which I can understand, but it's not like we've only been dating for two months, I think after a year, your parents should no. And it would hurt me to know that my child had spent a year with someone and didn't feel comfortable telling me about it. This is another issue I have with him, it seems as though he is maybe afraid that is parents won't approve because I have a child already. And I don't care what they think, but I get the impression that he does. And that bothers me a little bit, if he loves me as much as he says he does, wouldn't he just tell his parents that and tell them to get over it? Or tell them and ignore it if they say that he can do better?
I've asked him about this, and never get a straight answer.
As far as waiting, I would if things were not going so well for me, but I have a wonderful career which I have had for 5 and 1/2 years, and I have a child. I don't want her to be 9 years older than her siblings when we do start having children. Not that I can say my chances would be better if we started seeing other people, but I've always had a plan. I wanted to be married at 25, have a baby at 26. I had always wanted 4 kids, and therefore wanted to start in my 20's so that I was not 40 by the time my last child was born. It may not make a lot of sense, but it's always been the plan for me. I'd be willing to change the plan, but I don't want to waste years with someone who doesn't want the same things I do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 10:22am

I have major issues with someone who can't or won't communicate to their parents. It says they have a very bad relationship and what happens once the parents find out about your relationship is everything goes to pot....

Okay, when DH and I were dating he really didn't want to talk about me to his parents. And I know it had NOTHING to do with me, it was all him and his parents. He had a girlfriend before me that his mom decided she didn't like and the campaign to end it all started. And since I said she was the girlfriend before me, you all know where that went. So when we started dating DH didn't talk to them because he didn't want to hear it from them. (Should have been a red flag about their relationship. But I was young and naive.) It also turned out that his parents' best friends lived a mile from my house and ADORED me. So his parents got good feedback once they knew about me. And we (DH and I) were engaged within a month of his parents meeting me. We got married and I was very happy that his mom had liked me and there wasn't the interference that there had been before. Figured we were married now and life was good to go. WRONG! Just because we moved fast enough to not give her time to catch up BEFORE we got married doesn't mean that she didn't catch up after. Within 2-3 months of getting married his mom (and dad) were right there in our lives and trying to interfere. Not with me personally, but with him, just like always.

Ie- our first Christmas married my dad offered to fly both of us back to my home for Christmas. (It would have been my first Christmas away from my parents.) We decided to be nice and talk to his parents on timing so they could see us too. His mom wanted my dad to fly us back, loan us a car, and let us drive over 4 hours away for 2 days of a 4 day trip so they could see us too. But they didn't want to pay anything. It'd be all on my dad to pay. We spent so much time trying to get this all figured out with them (I refused to ask my parents to borrow their car because I thought it was just RUDE.), trying to work on some compromise, that my dad came back and told me that ticket prices had gone up enough that he couldn't afford to fly us back anymore. So DH and I ended up staying halfway across the country for Christmas. Which was bad enough. But then his mom called one night and went off on DH about how my dad and I were conspiring to keep him from them. And DH had a bad enough relationship with his mom that he sat there and just listened the whole time she ranted at him about how awful my dad and I were. (For the record, no one messes with my daddy. I am SUCH a daddy's girl.)

Things like this went on for YEARS. They would want us to do whatever they wanted us to do and we were awful if we didn't do it. If they ever actually got ahold of DH he would just agree to do whatever they wanted. He had learned that if he didn't, he didn't really love his parents. It was easier for him to avoid them than it was for him to stand up to them. And when he'd just agree and then tell me, I'd have to talk it out with him and he had to call his family back and tell them no. (Changing plans on going to see my mom who had cancer so his dad could fly in for a family reunion in a state that ALL his relatives lived in. If the plans worked pretty well within our lives, we would agree.) I ended up being the hated DIL who was controlling their son. I was the evil master manipulator who would brow beat their son into doing what I wanted and it NEVER was what they-- the loving parents-- wanted. And it was all because I didn't like them.

And all this is just between him and his parents, right? It's sad that he had such a bad relationship with them and sure, it caused a few isolated problems with us but hey, everyone has baggage, right? Well, it was so BAD. How he dealt with his mom and dad is how he dealt with me after awhile. He communicated with me the same way. Would avoid confrontation and hide things to avoid my disapproval. And how do you think things would go with the kids? He learned how to be a parent from his parents. The kids should do what he wants them to, when he wants them to, how he wants them to or they are 1)incompotent or 2)don't respect him. (We're working on that one....) It has colored everything.

The reason I went in to all this is because, you have a HUGE signal that there is something not right here. And I know you love this man because I love my DH. But you have a daughter to think about. You NEED to see how he interacts with his mom and dad. If he has cut them out completely then you need to know why and you need to find out how they interacted with him growing up. More than likely he will become them. It's all he knows.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 10:38am
I've seen the way he is with his father, they adore eachother, and they are exactly the same. Same kooky sense of humor and all of that. I think the problem is his mother. And the fact that his parents still speak. He knows if he tells his dad, he tell his mom and he doesn't want to deal with that. Which to me, seems ridiculous, I know she treated him like crap, but he needs to be a man and tell her and see what happens. Maybe she won't care, maybe for once, she'll be happy for him. And if not, then fine. I have a cousin who is going through this with her mother now, and she finally told her that she was toxic and needed to either straighten up, as far as minding her own business, or they would no longer speak. They didn't speak for several months and the mother finally realized that she had been horrible to daughter and SIL and called to apologize. Everything is fine now. Why can't he do that?
His mother, from what I've heard, was horrible to him, but still. I don't get it.
You're right, it is a red flag, and it bothers me a lot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 6:23pm

Laylam, I think the fact that he previously told you he didn't want to get married, then didn't answer when you asked him is a pretty big indicator that he doesn't want to get married. I think the marriage thoughts you have here are yours alone. And, regardless of what the reason that your year-long relationship is kept secret from his parents is a huge red flag as well. I think this should bother you more than a little, I think it should bother you a lot, and I think it's entirely appropriate for you to ask him why he's keeping your relationship a secret, and I can't think of one reason that would make the secrecy understandable or acceptable. Am I correct in what I'm hearing, that you've been around him and his father and your relationship has been kept quiet? How do you get to, "Surprise! You didn't know it, but I've been your son's girlfriend for this whole year that you've known me!" That would seem to put some awkward slants on any continuing relationship with the family. How do you reconcile that? I think this guy is close to being right for you, but not quite what you really want or need.


I think knowing what you want and when you want it to happen is fine. Just be sure that you move your marriage deadline back at least a year so that if he doesn't want to marry there's time allotted to meet and get to know someone in order to marry and have children as you'd like. Otherwise, you'll be waiting, hedging on leaving and your daughter won't be 9 when she gets siblings, she'll be 19! I suspect thought, that you're going to find that his silence means "I don't want to end our relationship but I don't want to get married". It's hard when the person you're involved with is so close to being right for you but not quite what you want and need.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 1:51pm
Yes, you were correct, I had actually never met his father in the four years that we have known eachother, until a few months ago, when we already together. And I think that it would be horrible for his father to find out NOW that we've been dating this long. I know as a parent it would kill me to think that my child didn't want me to know something major like that happening in his life. But I haven't been able to get an answer as to why they don't know. I even asked him, if after our roommates move and we keep living together (his idea) would he tell his parents about us, and he said he hadn't really thought about it. I know his parents aren't stupid, you would assume that we were together if it's the two of us and my child in a two bedroom apartment. But I don't think they should find out only when confronting him with the information. He should feel comfortable enough to tell them.
Last night, we went to bed, and he was trying to be "romantic" with me. And I politely said that I wasn't in the mood. Which is not a big deal, we don't have couple time very often, being a single mom takes a lot out of me, so he just thought that I was tired. He said whenever I was in the mood again to let him know. My problem is, I'm a little upset and confused about everything now, so i don't want to sleep with him. To me sex is an expression of your feelings for one another, and I'm not sure I'm ready to share that with him right now, since I'm so confused about everything. But I didn't have the heart to tell him that, he was already upset about crap at work. So I said nothing, which is horrible I know, but I felt like he'd been dumped on enough. But I need to get things resolved between us, or at least open a line of communication again, so I'm going to try and talk to him later.
Thank you so much for your help, it's nice knowing I have somewhere to go to and talk about this stuff. Most of my friends are 20 and think it's stu[id to be thinking about getting married or serious relationships, so they don't get it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 3:09pm

I don't think it's horrible of you to have kept quiet about what you were upset about. There are times that it's not necessary or kind to dump more on someone who's already dealing with problems. Besides, in discussing the important issues you need to discuss you need him to be clear and focused; if he's already upset about something else that's not going to be possible.


Good luck on your talk. Let us know how it goes, okay?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"