Marriage Trouble
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Marriage Trouble
| Sat, 07-29-2006 - 5:54pm |
Hi, I've never posted before, I have been married for 15 years, I'm now 38. My husband has decided that I should move out of the house with our two boys(age 4&8). He feels that I have my priorities in the wrong place, and they're not with him. i do feel that he's jealous of the relationship i ave with my sister and parents, but it's always been that way. He now has moved all of my things out of our bedroom and bathroom and moved them to the spare bedroom. Every morning I bring them back to our room and every night when he comes home from work he puts them back up. This has been going on for 3 weeks. He says he will keep doing this until I move out, but i don't want to do this to my boys. Should I keep playing his game. We haven't spoken in 3 weeks also.
What should I do? I've suggested counsiling but he says I need it more than him.
Thanks for any suggestions.
What should I do? I've suggested counsiling but he says I need it more than him.
Thanks for any suggestions.

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Pjniko, what an awful situation for you to be in.
However, before I can give you any constructive advice, I feel I need more information.
First up, do you want to stay in the marriage?
And what would type of compromise would it take for your husband to be happy in the marriage?
At this point, I don't have a clear understanding of what his problems are - can you explain further? What exactly has been going on in your marriage?
If the marriage is beyond repair, I need to understand why he won't move out. Logically, it would make much more sense for him to move out so that the boys don't have to uproot. So, I'm wondering why he's not doing this. Perhaps owns the house outright?
Do you have any means of supporting yourself and the boys on your own? Do you have money to put down on a new place? If not, will your husband help with a downpayment?
All these questions aside, Dr Phil says something to the effect of "children are better off being *from* a broken home than being *in* a broken home. So, no - don't keep playing your husband's games. It's not fair on the kids. You've got two choices: either address the issues in your marriage or end it.
You can't make him want the marriage to work.
Do not leave the house unless there is danger to you or the kids. If you leave, you could be interpretted as abandoning, and you might not be in as good of a place legally. What I would do if I were you is move your stuff back into the bedroom, move his stuff into the spare bedroom, and have a keyed lock put on your bedroom door so that he can't pull the same thing again.
And as long as he won't really talk to you, I don't know what else to do. This seems out of proportion with what you have described but who knows what all is really going on....
Jen
I'm so sorry you're going through this, Pjniko. Like Aisha, I need to better understand your situation before I'll be able to offer you anything.
I get the feeling the two of you don't communicate much (or well?) together. He says your priorities are not with him, you say you think he's jealous of the relationship you have with your family. What you don't say is where he feels your priorities are. I suspect that there have been problems in your marriage for some time, but you haven't mentioned them. You said you suggested counseling, but he says you need it more than him. What does he think you need counseling for? I'll need to have a clearer, more specific understanding of his thinking, your thinking and what's been going on before I can form an understanding or opinion.
I can say that going through the motions of moving your stuff back and forth is pointless. It does nothing to help the problems in your marriage at all, and that's what needs to happen. I can also say living in this situation isn't good for your kids. It needs to be resolved, one way or the other.
I'll be checking back for your answer ~
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks again
Pjniko, what strikes me about your posts is that you seem to feel that talking to him to resolve the problem is pointless; you're guessing what the issue is and, quite frankly, until you know what the issue is and work to resolve that, no progress will be made.
What baffles me about your post is you ask about putting locks on rooms so that your husband won't have access, but what will this accomplish? How will this make your relationship better? How will this resolve your problems? Really, how will it do anything but amplify the problems and heighten the bad situation that already exists? And finally, why in the world would you want to live that way? You have to know living in the middle of a war zone, a hostile environment won't do your marriage any good, won't be good for him, you and most certainly not your children. Why would you want to live in a marriage like that? I'd thought initially you didn't want a divorce, but I can't imagine living like that. If this is a matter of who stays in the house and who leaves, I suggest you see an attorney immediately to see what can be done to secure the house for you and your children and force your husband out if that's what you're preference is.
If I'm misunderstanding, please let me know. I admit, I'm very confused.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Why
is it more important to keep this power struggle going on, showing your children that this is how 'normal married people' love one another? Is it more important to be right?
If his gripe is that you've constantly put your family first, then you need to go back and review the marriage vows you stood up before God and man and agreed to. When you marry, your spouse becomes your first priority. Period. End of discussion. The children or your family comes second to the spouse. Period. End of discussion. Don't believe me? Ask the minister who married you. When you said "I do", you were agreeing to these tenats. You agreed that you would 'let no man put (your marriage) asunder'. Your family qualifies as "no man".
You agreed to love, honor, cherish and be faithful to him. There is a reason why these four exist in the marital vows. The foundation of marriage requires these four pillars for its survival. When you demolish any one of them, all four of them will fail and crumble. Putting your family before him is akin to not cherishing him--to cherish means that you don't willingly/willfully engage in any behavior that would cause your spouse emotional duress. Constantly putting anyone before your husband is you not cherishing him, and that includes your family.
Put your things in a guest bedroom and quit the power struggle. You both need to go into marital therapy for this... and quite frankly, when you begin to put your spouse first before your family, you will see a change in his reaction towards you. If any of them are married, they will agree with you minding your vows and putting your spouse first, as putting your spouse first in consideration is a requirement of being married. If you were just living together, you could do as you wished. But you're not. You made a vow that you have to stick to until you divorce him.
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