Marriage in trouble. HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Marriage in trouble. HELP
14
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 10:22am
My DW and I have been together for 12 years married for 6. We started dating in high school. We have always been very goal oriented, worked two jobs each and just tried to be the best we could be for each other. Recently though the stress levels have been at a breaking point for me and I can't do anything but pick fights and put down my DW. I have embarrassed her in front of my family and make her feel so bad. I can't seem to break this cycle. She keeps talking about leaving and that she has given me 4 chances to come around and she is just sick of it and wants to have fun and move on. I have set a double standard that she is not ok with and I agree that it is not good, I didn't really realize it and since said ok to things she wants to do. We are both type A and both need to be in control, but lately I can't seem to listen and think about what I am saying. Like an idiot I just open my mouth and stupid comes out. I am in a tailspin and she seems to want to stop but every time we get grounded it happens again. I don't know what to do, she is a wreck and so am I please help. I know this is complicated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 10:46am

Counseling with a licensed marriage counselor. Good luck!

Jen





iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 11:01am
Well that will be great if it is that easy. We are scheduled to see one in a few days. I hope we last that long.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 11:08am

It's great that you are scheduled to see one in a few days. Woohoo for you guys.

One thing the cl here has said, which I really like, is do you act this way with your friends and coworkers? Do you treat them like you treat your wife? If you don't, then you are CHOOSING to treat her this way and you CAN control yourself and stop.

Just something to think about.

Jen





iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 11:14am
No I don't treat anyone else that way and it has come up before that she is my punching bag. I tried working out and excersize but I just can't release the tensions of the day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 11:36am

You chose to take them out on her. Why? It's not because you can't release them, otherwise you'd take them out on anyone. Why her?

Jen





iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 12:02pm
I don't know. I need to figure out a way to channel stress instead of holding it in and releasing it all at the wrong time. We are so busy and really only see each other for a few minutes a day. When we are together for any length of time I fight with her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 12:06pm

Counseling is not necessarily going to be "easy."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 12:20pm
I think there is a lot of stuff that has brought me to where I am. I am stuck in a job I do not like and have not liked for years. My parents divorced a couple years ago, that has been difficult. My best friend betrayed me with my DW. He essentially tried to get us to divorce, pinning one against the other. When that didn't work he said he was sleeping with her. That is always on my mind. I don't think she did, but there is always that "what if". We are always in competition with each other (my DW and I). She is a great looking woman and I get jealous very easily when we go out dancing because as soon as I leave the dance floor some other guy is trying to dance with her. She goes out dancing with her cousin sometimes until 4am. She says nothing ever happens, how is that when I see it right in front of me? I tell her not to go out but I look at porn as my stress relief. She hates the double standard. I am a complete mess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-17-2006 - 10:57pm
Welcome back, His_n_Hers ~ It sounds like you found that what you suspected before was indeed fact((ex) best friend trying to break us up), is that right? It sounds like there may be good reason for your double standard. If what you expect/demand is in conjunction with her affair or with your level of trust in her as a result of the affair, I'd say that it's understandable that you'd make those demands. I'd also say that would make it obvious that the affair hasn't been dealt with appropriately and that the trust and betrayal issues haven't been resolved. Perhaps that's why she's your "punching bag" as well?


It sounds to me like there are many issues that need to be addressed, a counselor is a very good place for the two of you to be.


Some informational posts from our Information and Resources section that may be of help to you:


Getting Over an Affair
Healing From Infidelity
Recurring Memories of Spouses Affair








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown



Edited 9/17/2006 11:02 pm ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 9:39am
cl-2nd_life, thanks for your caring. I reread the post I made a while ago and I still think I have reasons to ask my wife not to stay out that late. She can go dancing but why so late? She really hates the double standard. I can look at women all the time and she just wants to go dancing. She has told me about all the guys that hit on her. I trust her I don't trust the guys, you never know. She has told be about married guys who say "I'm married too he'll never know" like that is supposed to make me trust her going out? We are seeing a therapist tonight but I don't even know what to bring up. Is it a communication problem, trust issue and/or double standard? I don't know.

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