Marriage Trouble
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Marriage Trouble
| Sat, 07-29-2006 - 5:54pm |
Hi, I've never posted before, I have been married for 15 years, I'm now 38. My husband has decided that I should move out of the house with our two boys(age 4&8). He feels that I have my priorities in the wrong place, and they're not with him. i do feel that he's jealous of the relationship i ave with my sister and parents, but it's always been that way. He now has moved all of my things out of our bedroom and bathroom and moved them to the spare bedroom. Every morning I bring them back to our room and every night when he comes home from work he puts them back up. This has been going on for 3 weeks. He says he will keep doing this until I move out, but i don't want to do this to my boys. Should I keep playing his game. We haven't spoken in 3 weeks also.
What should I do? I've suggested counsiling but he says I need it more than him.
Thanks for any suggestions.
What should I do? I've suggested counsiling but he says I need it more than him.
Thanks for any suggestions.

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I agree with quenek and firstamendment - quit the power struggle over the bedroom. If he wants that room, then either just sleep in there without your "stuff" or sleep in the guest room for now.
You also mentioned that he is jealous of your relationship with your parents/sister. Does he have reason to be? Do you go over there and "gossip" about him? Do they put him down (even a little bit)? If a disagreement comes up, do you normally take their side instead of his? If these things are true, you may want to take a closer look at those relationships. They *MAY* be toxic to your marriage and not entirely your DH's fault.
Jeff
She didn't say he was jealous of her relationship with her parents/sister, she said she thinks that's what it is. It doesn't appear that communication is such that they've talked enough for them to have an understanding of what the problem actually is.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
You may be right, but she did say:
"He feels that I have my priorities in the wrong place, and they're not with him. i do feel that he's jealous of the relationship i ave with my sister and parents"
The 2nd part of that sentence is how she perceives him to be, but the first part she's saying that's how HE feels. To me that's saying that they have talked about this at least on the surface.
Either way, commucation (and lots of it) would be a good thing. If she is reading him wrong and he's not jealous, then talking about it will clear up that misconception. If she's reading him right and he is jealous, then talking to him about it should either ease that feeling or allow her to see why he's jealous.
Jeff
It must be so hard for you. I have also kind of similar problem between my husband. I got married my husband for 6 years. We lived in Japan for 4 years and We have good relationship. He is an American. and I am a Japanese. We moved USA at 2004 for pursue his dream. things are changed. He made his company. My husband is working so hard and I am lonely and homesick without friends. It was lot of things happening all at once: living here and delivered a child and moving. And it was a big adjustment for me: Language and new culture. I feel miserable that I'm not a independent person in here. I am very close relationship with my family. So, I miss them very much. I always think of my family. And he has friends here and I feel a little bit jealous. So I sometimes complained living here which made him tired out. I respect him and adore him very much but I couldn't show him enough. I takes more time for baby than husband. and he is getting more and more busy. There is a distance between us gradually. Now He want to separate with me. He want to someone who is more independent. And he feels sick of my complains. But I realised how week I was to save this marriage. I've been not accepting living here. I forgot what is most important. I just cry without nothing to make it changed.
Well, I'm reading a book called 'The ten second miracle' by Gay Hendricks. I just remember some lines. It said When you think about all of this- relationship between you and husband- What about it do you have the most trouble facing and accepting? separate from husband? or family is not living together? and do you and your husband willing to solve the problem? I think you could talk to your husband about it.
Well, Obviously, I can't writing in English very well, and I don't know these are helpful for you or not, But I'm praying for you things is more better.
I read the entire statement as an assumption, how she reads him rather than what he says, but you may be right. I agree that she needs to be clear on what he thinks, what his perceptions and problems are rather than thinking she knows what the issues are. Heaven knows I've *thought* I absolutely knew what my husband was concerned/upset about, only to find I couldn't have been off base any further.
I hope she clarifies this with us, and first and foremost, if it's needed, with him!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
PJNIKO, I agree with the others who feel you should not let him bully you. It is your house, he has no right to kick you out of it, or your room. If he is going to play the spoiled brat, he can move into the guest room and pout until he is ready to communicate. Giving in to his behavior only gives him more power to abuse you with. This treatment is approaching emotional abuse. He should not intentionally inflict this pain on you daily. He has the responsibility to contribute positively to the resolution of this situation. If you want to attempt to work things out, you both need individual and marriage counseling.
People treat us the way we allow them to...don't allow yourself to be bullied by this spoiled brat who is apparently jealous of your happiness as result of the partnership with your sister. He's just trying to break your spirit. Don't let him. Stay strong!
I was taking what she said literally, but when I go back and read between the lines I'm guessing that you read it right. I'm guessing that she doesn't truely *know* what he's feeling but just interpretting it.
Either way, I think talking to him about it would help a great deal.
Jeff
you write: " It is your house, he has no right to kick you out of it, or your room. If he is going to play the spoiled brat, he can move into the guest room and pout until he is ready to communicate. "
Bad advice. That is only going to escalate the power struggle already going on and she doesn't know where it will end and who will end up getting hurt as a result. Her best bet is to go ahead and move herself into the guest room and stop the madness and then go make an appointment with a marriage therapist and get into some therapy over this. He has some valid issues regarding her behavior in the marriage which she needs to address. Her keeping this "war of the roses" going is only going to end when someone gets hurt.
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