Marriage Trouble

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2004
Marriage Trouble
25
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 5:54pm
Hi, I've never posted before, I have been married for 15 years, I'm now 38. My husband has decided that I should move out of the house with our two boys(age 4&8). He feels that I have my priorities in the wrong place, and they're not with him. i do feel that he's jealous of the relationship i ave with my sister and parents, but it's always been that way. He now has moved all of my things out of our bedroom and bathroom and moved them to the spare bedroom. Every morning I bring them back to our room and every night when he comes home from work he puts them back up. This has been going on for 3 weeks. He says he will keep doing this until I move out, but i don't want to do this to my boys. Should I keep playing his game. We haven't spoken in 3 weeks also.
What should I do? I've suggested counsiling but he says I need it more than him.
Thanks for any suggestions.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
In reply to: pjniko
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 7:02pm

Que, Her husband is attempting to control and break her. He is blatantly treating her with disrespect, intentionally attempting to demean and devalue her in that family. My perspective on the children is that we should not teach them to accept abuse or intentional disrespect. We should teach to be strong and demand respect. There are so many women who back down to abusers for what they think is "best for everyone" and they live a lifetime of abuse and disrespect by their husbands, and therefor bring up children who also accept a lifetime of abuse. It's tragic pattern I certainly don't want to see continue.

I would encourage pj to calmly advise her husband that she is not leaving her family, and is not uprooting her children. That her first priority is the impact of the situation on them. That if he wants space, he will need to consider the children and move out himself. If he wants to stay, I'd encourage her to require they all begin counselling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: pjniko
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 11:50pm

I agree with quenek.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: pjniko
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 2:33am

"My perspective on the children is that we should not teach them to accept abuse or intentional disrespect. We should teach to be strong and demand respect. There are so many women who back down to abusers for what they think is "best for everyone" and they live a lifetime of abuse and disrespect by their husbands, and therefor bring up children who also accept a lifetime of abuse. It's tragic pattern I certainly don't want to see continue." These children are watching two people they love be in daily combat. Their home is a high strung battlefield and they are victims caught in the middle. This is traumatizing them. It's not teaching them anything, but it's sure providing scars that will need to be addressed by a therapist to resolve to keep from causing lifelong issues. I agree that many women back down to abusers for what they think is "best for everyone" and they live a lifetime of abuse and disrespect by their husbands, and in doing so they bring up children who also accept a lifetime of abuse. The way you teach a child about abuse is not to fight against it, battling is not the answer. The way you teach a child about abuse and what treatment should be tolerated is to leave the situation. This is not a stranger situation, this is not a case of a woman battling an intruder to protect herself and her children. Adding more dysfunction and chaos doesn't help anyone, least of all the children.


I agree with Quenek and Firstamendment.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
In reply to: pjniko
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 9:55am

The disrespect was instigated by OP by her consistent refusal to put her husband first in her considerations. She admitted in her first post that she puts her sister and her family before him. THAT is where this all starts.

She's married: she's not a single woman shacking up... she stood up before God and man and agree to live her life with him by the terms set forth in her marriage vows. She went and arbitrarily changed the terms she agreed to and has brought about this reaction in him. If the situation was reversed, I'd still give the same advice. If she was single, then she could act any way she pleased as she didn't make an oral agreement to put anyone's considerations first.

This isn't a situation of her living with an abuser, so that is non sequitur.

Respect is earned, it isn't demanded of another.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: pjniko
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 11:08am

I don't think she admitted to putting her sister and family before him, she said she thought the he felt she was.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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