Marriage Without Sex
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| Sat, 04-15-2006 - 7:31pm |
My husband and I were married 11 months ago. During the first several months, we went through a lot of adjustments. Primarily, because I have unresolved trust issues that I was unaware of. I overreacted a lot, was melodramatic, angry, sad, highly critical and nitpicky, aggressive and brash with how I communicated, very argumentative, demanded impossible expectations, and was overall pretty difficult to be around more than half of the time. I have always considered myself to be a very loving, generous, kindhearted, fun, spiritual, and together woman. However, the fears and insecurities that came up during my first 6 months of marriage brought out a dark and ugly side that I didn't know I had. Since then, I have been working diligently at maturing with my marital communication style, resolving my trust difficulties, and growing into a happier, easier, well-adjusted woman and wife. My husband acknowledges and appreciates my efforts, but says he feels pretty hurt and scarred from those first 6 months. I trust and have faith that in time, and with continued efforts, those scars will heal and one day we will be able to enjoy a healthy, peaceful marriage.
My problem right now is that we haven't had sex in about 4 months, and it feels like torture to me. My husband says that he doesn't feel capable to make love unless he feels deeply emotionally connected and safe, which he doesn't right now. He says it is more emotional than physical for him. He is a good, decent, honorable man, with strong values and ethics. I want to respect his feelings unconditionally, and lovingly support his need to wait until we are emotionally connected again. But I am finding that to be impossible. I feel rejected every day, helpless, lonely, frustrated, hurt, jealous, and resentful because we are not having sex. I trust him with all my heart yet find myself getting jealous and feeling insecure. We feel like we're at an impasse because I need intimacy to feel safe and close, while he can't be intimate unless he feels safe and close. I feel like we're roommates except for holding hands, and occassionally snuggling or kissing. It's not enough, but he can't give any more. I know that eventually things will go back to normal, but it's torture waiting for that indefinitely, and it's dragging out because I am clearly less cheerful and happy than usual and that is just a reminder of last year for him.
We have talked about this ad nauseum, and sought counseling. I don't know how to confidently and selflessly understand and wait, yet I don't have any other acceptable choice. Please help me with any suggestions or wisdom to get through this difficult time. It's necessary that we do his his way but I need help to figure out how. Please advise?!

I've always believed that when a person does something wrong - and admits it and does something about it - the other partner in the marriage must do his/her bit to forgive and get on with the marriage. What I'm wondering is whether or not your husband is ACTIVELY trying to forgive you and more on from the hurt.
That aside, I'm concerned that you need intimacy to feel safe and close. When you say "intimacy", I'm assuming that you mean sex. The thing is, most marriages have their ups and downs with the frequency of sex. Be it from illness, childbirth, raising a young family, stress, tiredness, impotence, accident....there are many things that can cause a marriage to temporarily become sexless. I'm worried that even if you get things back on track now, when one of these things happens in the future that you may spiral back down where you are now. While it's important to be able to connect on a physical level, I believe that it's MORE important to be able to connect on an emotional level. You won't always be able to have sex, but you will always be able to talk.
I suggest that while you are looking at mending your marriage, you find ways other than sex that will make you feel safe and close to your husband. This will not only help you now, but will also help you in the future when for one reason or another your sex life disappears.
sam925,
I agree with the other poster that "intamcy" is more then just sex. Have you tried using your imagination to show him that you have changed. Maybe make him dinner and have it one the table when he comes home everynight this week. Maybe make him lunch everyday. Maybe pack a picnick, blindfold him, drag him out of the house if you have to a surpise him. Leave notes in his briefcase or car so that he finds them when leaving for work (or with the briefcase at work). Maybe one day when he get's home you meet him at the door, give him a big hug (no kiss or a kiss too) and tell him that You so glad you married a strong man who provides you with so much in life and you're proud of him. Use your imagination to surprise him and compliment him to get his brain working. Because honey if your serious enough to come up with these little things, he's going to see that you really are serious about him.
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Edited 4/16/2006 2:07 pm ET by defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
Sam, it sounds like after marriage you were not at all who your husband had known up until that point. I think it's easy to understand his feelings and his reaction now. I have to tell you too, I've been in the position where everything I thought I knew and believed in my partner and relationship was turned upside down and put into doubt and yes, my desire for sex evaporated. I think your husband's been very honest in telling you how he feels and why he doesn't want sex. For me, what resolved the issue was time, and continued examples of seeing my husband take steps to resolve his issues. Therapy didn't hurt either, but without his continued work and progress I don't believe it would have made a difference. In all honesty, it took about a full year for me to feel trust, belief and strong about our relationship again. The good news is that you've recognized the problems within yourself and are taking steps to resolve them.
I can't tell you how to deal with what the lack of sexual contact does to you, but I do agree with Aisha's concerns regarding what sexual contact brings to you. From what you've said, it sounds like you and your husband are in couples counseling. Are you seeing a therapist individually as well? Have you addressed this with your therapist? I wonder if part of what you feel you gain from sex will be resolved as you resolve the other issues that popped up.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"