Marriage....fighting.....hurt

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Marriage....fighting.....hurt
6
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 5:40pm

FIrst, thanks to anyone willing to read this and offer advice. It is much appreciated :smileyhappy:

So my boyfriend and I have been together about a year and a half. I am 30, he is 35, no kids, and both of us have been divorced due to our partners being unfaithful. In the begginning of our relationship we had a ton of fun, got along very well, and really enjoyed life together. After about 9 months of dating we bought a house and moved in together which was a huge step for both of us considering I planned to never trust or date a man again and his ex hurt him so badly that he didn't date anyone seriously for 5 years when he met me. After momving in together we began to develop communication problems and fighting quite frequently. Some of these fights were to the point that we were screaming, hitting walls, threatening to leave, etc. I would consider both of us very strong personalities and unwilling to give in. After a few months of this we then decided that if we didn't start couseling that we would ruin this relationship. So we took the steps to find a couselor and things have been easier on the front of communication and handling situations better for most of the time. So when we moved in together I mentioned marriage and if this was something he wanted. He said it was but it was not something he wanted right now. While I was in the zone of wanting to marry him and having the deepest feelings of love he was still trying to decide what he wanted. I think this is when many of our problems started. Deep inside I was angry at him because he did not feel the same way as I did. He said that he is scared because he doesn't want to get divorced again and he is concerned about the amount of fighting ( I define fighting as screaming and yelling and being hateful...he defines fighting as getting frustrated because the other one can't decide what they want for dinner....truly two different opinions but none-the-less these little "fights" happen daily) So about a month ago my bf states that he is ready to get married and he wants to get married very soon. I was estatic and so relieved to know this is how he felt. In fact I no longer felt angry or upset and the mood between us was very positive and fun like it was when we first started dating. I could finally see myself looking at him and falling more in love with him day by day...something I stopped allowing myself to do because I was scared that he was never going to commit. Over the weekend he then states that his feelings have changed due to a recent fight that occured while we were both drinking and it got pretty heated. The morning after it happened we talked about it and I never thought about it again. He however, determined that it was a hcnaging point in our relationship and says he can no longer see marriage anytime soon. This of course devastated me and now I am angry and hurt all over again.

So the question is, is he toying with my emotions or is he truly so confused and scared that he doesn't know what he wants. I am literally at a breaking point, emotionally, and I am not sure what to do next. I feel hurt and betrayed by his words and even more than that I am confused at how one fight can change you emotional attachment needs to someone. I feel like this happening has caused so much tension between us and I am having a hard timne forgiving him, even though he may not even be wrong for it. He says I need to live in the oment and stop worrying about the future but I feel like my biological clock is ticking and I am 100% of my feelings for him. As a woman I know that we overanalyze everything but I can't help but wonder how to not analyze this. We see our counselor this weekend but I am hestitant to bring it up since the last time we spoke about the situation I told him that marriage and kids is not something I want to talk about again because it upsets me too much.

Any advice on how to stop the pain or what to do would be greatly appreaciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 5:52pm

He is neither toying with your emotions nor scared and confused.   He simply believes the two of you fight too much to have a good marriage.   He's calling it like he sees it.

Yes, one fight can indeed change a person's mind about a relationship.   It can work in one of two ways. 

1) it can be the proverbial straw on the camel's back - we have an epiphany and realise that we simply can't do this anymore - or

2) something just too awful to forgive was said and we realise that we just need to walk away.

Honestly, this relationship sounds like a disaster.  I firmly believe that if a couple needs counselling to even get married, they shouldn't be getting married in the first place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 7:13pm

I think your BF is being pretty smart--he sees excess drinking causing a big fight and maybe a lot of little arguments on top of that & is wondering if this is what he wants for the rest of his life.  I think when someone has already been divorced, they are going to want to be pretty sure that the 2nd marriage is going to be successful and not have to get divorced again.  You really haven't known each other that long and maybe since you moved in together rather quickly, that living together gives him the true picture of what this relationship is going to be like.  I think it's good that you are both going for counseling because you both need to learn how to communicate and disagree with people without screaming, hitting walls, etc--I would walk out on someone like that right away because I would find that behavior unacceptable.  Do you think that in a good relationship where people are the right partners for long term that there would be so many disagreements?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 08-14-2012 - 11:10pm

I like the way you put this and I was thinking it sounds like someone has to take the high road and step up to the plate and be the better person and who will that be?? who will be the hero ??