Married and concerned
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|Wed, 08-29-2012 - 8:51am|
I am worried that my relationship with my husband is in distress and I dont know how to fix it. The more I try to communicate, the more distant my husband becomes. He turns off like a switch. This causes me to be insecure and hurt because he never listens to me or interacts to functionally discuss the problem and he actually seems angry with me that I am upset. He claims I am always "complaining at him" and I should just "relax."
I've been married over four years and we welcomed a baby girl into our lives nearly 10 months ago. I love my husband very much and I do think he loves me but I just always thought that when you truly love someone you never want to see them upset and if they are, you try to make them feel better if you can.
Here is an example in my case: my husband and I both work full time. We own a beautiful house. I am a highly educated, licensed professional. My husband is more blue collor but a very hard working man (maybe taken advantage of a little by his boss but that is an entirely other story). He has a tendency to not check in with me at all. He claims it is because he is hard at work or in a place with no phone or no cell reception. Our routine is that I leave for work early so I can be home by 5 to relieve our nanny and be with baby girl. I take my lunch breaks to do grocery shopping and then after feeding the baby when I get home I prepare dinner for my husband and I. Not only does he not check in with me all day, but at 7pm last night he sends me a casual "on my way home" text during which time my beautiful baby girl had a massive blowout and there is poop everywhere.
Mind you, earlier in our relationship he would always check in with me and send me lovey texts.
When he got home I was mad. I was hungry and I felt underappreciated. When I said that it would have been nice if he checked in with me at any point, he got angry and basically admonoshed me because he had no cell service and "what could he have done?" This turned into a ruined evening because he claims that it was upsetting for him to work all day so hard and come home to an angry person. WHAT ABOUT ME? I work all day too and all the groceries, bills, and cooking is all on me to handle.
And when I reminded him of this ramantic "date" that he keeps saying he is planning, etc. he blows it off AGAIN saying that he is working on it. Let me tell you about this date. I won a very generous gift certificate to a fabulous NYC restaurant. All he needs to do is get a babysitter and make a reservation. And he has been "working on this" for over a month. In 10 months since we had our baby, we have been on ONE date together.
And when I try to communicate about any of this he shuts off and walks away from me or acts like I am the one hurting his feelings. The more I try to talk, the worse it gets. And then when I tell him I am feeling so distant, he still doesn't get it and says things like, "so lets talk" but he doesn't say anything. And THEN he says, "what is your day like tomorrow?" and before I am done even answering his question he turns on his iphone to read about sports while I am talking. So I stopped and asked him to just pay attention to us. He doesnt get it.
Do I sound crazy? He wont go to couples therapy and I think he thinks it is ridiculous that I even mention it. But if I dont get SOME recognition for the way I feel I think I am going to explode. Our poor baby girl. I feel miserable and I feel like I'm drowning.
Please give me some feedback.