Married and confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Married and confused
16
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 3:32pm
My husband and I had been dating for 3 years before we got married. I knew that he would be the one. We have been married for about 4 months now. We rarely have sex. I am not turned on by him. I actually hate having sex with him at times. Our sex life the first year was great after that it has been the same...horrible on my part. I do fantasize about other men and can have an orgasam then but when I am with him I can not. We are the best of friends and I would hate to lose him. I feel we are both losing interest in one another but stick with it because we are use to each other. Help!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 8:14pm
If you dated for 3 years before marrying, and you've only been married 4 months, by your won description the sex has not been good for at least 2 years and 8 months, and had been bad for over 2 years at the time of your wedding. Did you think that the ceremony would somehow change things for the better? Annulment seems to be an option here. If that doesn't sound palatable, then see a sex therapist and/or a marriage counselor to try and get things back on track.

Remember that you can remain friends, even if you discover that your marriage was a mistake. The best advice I can give is to be honest about your feelings and deal with them - one way or the other. You're not doing yourself or him any favors by hiding how you feel.

Lee M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 3:07am
Agree with Lee here, but also wonder if this is really all about sex. Are there other problems/disappointments that you're not mentioning, or are you losing interest in each other on the sex issue alone. Quite frankly, if you're honestly staying with each other just because you're used to each other, there is no reason to stay at all. If that's the case, in effect what you're saying is you plan to remain miserable for the rest of your life because it's easier than moving on and being happy. Does that make sense? Your reasoning sounds young, how old are each of you?

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 9:05am
Agree with 2nd-life and Lee here and would like to add that this is the time to set the tone for your relationship.

It is concerning that so soon after you've married your making comments like we stay together because we are used to eachother, to paraphrase. Is that the kind of relationship you are going to settle for?

It's simple to decide. Either realize this is something worth saving and have much communication and get some counseling or realize it's not something that you want to take time with and move on. Regardless of how old you are you've made an adult descision by getting married. You've got to follow that up with adult descisions on how to deal with what's going on.

Best wishes,

Liz
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 1:23pm
We are both 25 years of age. I really miss the feeling when you start dating someone. I have heard that the high goes away with in time and them the comfort zone starts. I am afraid to make the wrong choice.

Aside from our sex issue I met someone who from the moment I laid eyes one I got butterflies in my stomach. We spoke for an hour and that feeling was there. I can not get him out of my head. I want to feel that high again. It's like and infatuation. He asked me out for dinner and I explained that I could not go because I had to decide what I wanted to do with out a third party being involved. I really wanted to go but was afraid that I would even more want to be with this person.


I would hate to make the mistake of leaving what we have now and realize and regret it for the rest of my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2000
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 3:40pm
What is the rest of the relationship like? I don't hear much of a real connection in your post, but it was fairly brief. A lack of sex, or good sex, isn't always a big issue with a couple, but the two of you don't appear to be on the same page at all on the topic. You say you're best friends, but is it possible you just can't be more?

 


~~joannaran~~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 6:33pm
If you spend your life chasing butterflies, be prepared. You will end up one of those people with 4 or 5 failed marriages. The butterflies are a nasty trap. Read up on Limerance and infatuation, it is all an illusion.

You like the illusion. You want it again. I'll bet that's how drug addicts feel. But it's not good for them, is it?

To transition from the butterflies into a healthy, mature, loving, mutually beneficial marriage takes a lot of dedication and hard work. You have to work hard at showing your husband every day that you love him, and in return he should do the same for you. You two have to work at making time for each other. Work at making that shared time fun. Work together towards goals you both want to acheive.

It's hard work. But it can transform your life, and you.

Butterflies come easy. And they bleed you dry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-05-2003 - 2:41am
WHOA THERE! You're heading for trouble! We asked about your relationship with your husband and you respond with something about another guy who makes you tingle? If that's your attitude, you're not giving your husband or your marriage a chance. You're don't seem to realize that you're talking about two different issues here, you appear to think they're one and the same.

A few things....

If you want out of your marriage, it must be based on YOUR RELATIONSHIP ALONE. By that I mean, you must want to leave your marriage and be ready and willing to live alone to do it. This new guy may not turn out to be anything, may not last or may turn out to be a colossal disappointment. Your decision on your marriage must be based on YOUR happiness and what's best for YOU - just you. It cannot hinge on somebody else who you're more in love with, makes you tingle, or anything else. YOUR DECISION CANNOT BE BASED ON ANYTHING BUT YOU AND YOU ALONE - NO ONE ELSE. You didn't answer any of the questions posed to you about your marriage and your relationship with your husband. Why not? Have you already decided you don't want to try? That may well be a perfectly fine decision, as long as it's based on you on your own. If you haven't decided on divorce, please read back through the responses and give us some feedback on the questions asked by many of us on your relationship.

I don't think there's a married (or committed) person alive who hasn't found themselves infatuated with someone else. It's important to keep your head -- and your distance and recognize that crushes aren't based on reality. Your husband doesn't stand a chance against the image you have of this guy. Your husband has faults, has disappointed you many times and in many ways, I'm sure. You have no problem coming up with those images. Your crush has faults too and would be just as disappointing to you; maybe not in the exact same areas as your husband, but it's there. You just can't see it because you aren't living with this guy, you just *imagine* what it would be like and oh my, wouldn't it be wonderful??? Your imagination is based on fantasy, not reality and isn't close to what a real picture of being with this guy would be.

Sometimes you realize quite soon that marriage was a mistake. If that's the case, staying in the marriage longer makes no sense; you're better to cut your losses and end it rather than to drag it on being unhappy. You haven't posted enough information for anyone to have any idea what's going on, so we really can't help you along those lines. All we know is sex isn't great, you're disappointed and you think you're staying because you're used to each other.

You mentioned the *tingle* is gone; yes, when the newness wears of most typically the rush of excitement pales too. It's replaced with the comfort and closeness that comes with true bonding, the security you feel with your partner and true, deep caring and love. The tingle you describe is chemical, what follows comes from a much deeper source.

I posted a few informational posts for another poster, one would certainly be beneficial for you to read too; "Steering Clear of Relationship Potholes": http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlcouplescou&msg=6428.1&ctx=0

I dated for years before marrying my first husband, and found the man I married was not anything like the man I'd dated. The marriage was wrong and I should have left very early, but I didn't. It isn't often the right thing to do, but I know first hand it can be. Only you know if you truly believe this was a mistake or not, we don't have any information.

Know that problems can be worked on -- even sexual problems -- assuming you're both interested in improvement. Have you talked to your husband about problems in your marriage? What does he say? What have you done to work on your problems and again, are they all sexual problems or are there others as well?

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-05-2003 - 3:09am
A note about your thoughts on love as posted elsewhere on this board...You said, "I believe you can fall out of love. Sad but true. It is a good thing that do not stay together. Love is a very important part in a relationship. Love will keep it going."

You must also realize some very important things about love. Your relationship must be nurtured in order for love to continue to be strong. You know how they say marriage is work? Well, THIS is what they're talking about -- NOT the housework! Some think you just get married, sit back and *poof* you have a great, happy marriage. Not so! You have to keep it active and healthy. Make no mistake about it.

cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Sun, 04-06-2003 - 9:41pm
He is the first man I have been able to let loose and be myself. I can do anything with out feeling he will judge me. He is handsome with a nice body. We crack each other up with our crazy sense of humor. He supports me when I am sad,confused etc. We have the best of times together. We enjoy the same activities as well. I do work hard to make sure he feels loved and he does the same in return.

I went away for the weekend to give myself time to think about the situation we are in. I did realize that being infatuated with this other guy was not going to help my relationship with my husband. As curious as I am about a wild adventure with this guy I will have to keep as a fantasy. I had a six hour drive to think things better. The other guy did ask for me to spend the weekend with him instead but I did as I had planned and went to visit my family. I truly missed my husband while I was there. I could not get him off my mind. I still thought of the other guy occasionally.

Sex is our main weekness. Out first year together the sex was great but it died down to once or twice a week. I do not enjoy it. There are times in a great moon when I do but that rarely happens. To be honest I enjoy it the most if I have been drinking. Why I do not know. When I got back my husband and I had sex and it was not good. While I was gone I kept thinking about how I wanted him so bad in a sexual way but when I got here I was not as into it as I thought. I thought of the other guy hoping that maybe it would help and it did a little. That was until I felt bad for thinking of him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-06-2003 - 11:12pm
If this guy asked you to go away with him for the weekend, you've done more than imagine what a relationship would be like, you've at least let him know you're interested. Now that you know he doesn't respect commitments - like your marriage - you're in a much more dangerous position, he'll most certainly continue to intice and pressure you. Keep in mind your 'perfect' guy has proven himself to be a cheater, he has no qualms about getting in the middle of your marriage, that means he'd have no qualms about messing around in a relatinship of his own. That's a major character flaw; so much for what you'd thought of him. In other words, (if you were single) he'd maybe be great for a fling but a serious relationship - no way.

You didn't answer any of the questions I'd asked you previously and without knowing where your husband is in all of this is pretty important. I'll ask again. You indicated you were both staying because you were used to each other, is your husband unhappy and dissatisfied with your relationship also? Are your problems all sexual or do you have other issues? Have you talked about your problems? Is he aware of your dissatisfaction with sex? Is he interested in improving things sexually or is this a difficult issue for him to face? Does he even you're unhappy/dissatisfied?

Getting away and giving yourself some time think about things is a good thing, you made a good decision there. Let us know your husband's part in all this, ok?

cl-2nd_life


Edited 4/7/2003 11:21:20 AM ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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