Married and in love with friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2006
Married and in love with friend?
11
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 8:05pm

Okay everyone, I'll give you the short story. I am in love with my husband of 5 years, we've been together for 7. I'm 26 and he's 43. The age is not a problem we get along great and I've told him that I don't believe in divorce, vows are meant to be taken seriously.

We have these two friends who are in the process of a divorce, sort of (that's the long story which I won't get into). Lately (within the past few months) I have been talking more to the guy (he's 10 years older than me) and I think I'm starting to feel like he's more than a friend. This past weekend the four of us were out of town at a sporting event and he had quite a bit to drink and was getting VERY loveable. He would put his hands on my hips to move me forward a step when he had to get behind me since we were sort of in close quarters, he would put his arm around me, he was smooching my cheek, giving me hugs, and I also had my hair pulled back in a pony tail and he started playing with the scrunchie and whispered to me that my hair looked sexy like that, but the thing that made a huge impact on me was when we were all waiting outside at a restaurant until our table was called he came up behind me and put his arms around my stomach and stood there for like 2-3 minutes; he had no coat and it was cold outside so he said he wanted to get warm (my husband was there, but didn't do anything). I told him the next day when he was sober again that I thought he was funny the night before and I also asked him if he remembered anything and he said he did. I understand that drinking does make people do things differently than when they're sober, but I also think there's some truth to it as well.

Now like I said before, I AM IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND, but I'm also confused about these feelings. My husband doesn't do any of that in public (he's not into PDA, not even hand holding), but I'm still young and I like that sort of stuff. So I'm not sure if I'm having these feelings because our friend is doing things that I want my husband to do or what. I'm also confused if I should tell my friend that I thought what he was doing was sweet and I wish my husband would do that. I don't know.

Someone please give me some advise.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 9:05pm

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I can answer this part easily. NO WAY! Ignore it and ignore this "friend." If you want a marriage at all. If there is something you are lacking in your marriage you need to fix it there, not with someone else. EVER.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 2:03am

You are courting a huge problem here, Ibowl4food. Your first mistake was to allow this guy to continue to put his hands on you, kiss you and whisper to you. Your second mistake was to tell him you thought it was funny, that just gives him permission to do it again. Should you tell him you thought it was sweet and you wish your husband would act that way? Only if you're looking to have an affair with this guy, because your actions so far have paved the road and making that statement would bring it that much closer. I'm wondering what you would have thought and what you would have felt if a woman acted this way with your husband and he was allowed it? How would you feel if he told her he thought she was funny, or that he thought she was sweet to do it? I'm betting you would not think it was appropriate and I'm betting you would not think further contact with her was right. What do you think?


All of us have had attractions to another man at one time or another. Being married means you're married, not dead. It's what you do about that attraction that makes the difference. What's called for is distance from the guy you're attracted to, and lots of it. Make certain you're not alone with him, make certain you're out of reach, and keep it that way. You need to let him know this cannot happen again, and a "drinking" excuse will not be tolerated, period.


I hate to tell you, but your and your husband's ages have nothing to do with preferences on holding hands, touching you, kissing, etc, in public. This is about what each of you prefers, what you feel is right, and/or what you are comfortable with, it's not dictated by age. My husband and I are among many who are proof of that; he's older than your husband (and I'm older than him) and he's quite "touchy" in public, he likes touch as do I. We almost always hold hands while walking, and often put our arms around each other, etc. in public. Has your husband always been like this with you? If so, you went into the marriage knowing he was not much for touching in public. Have you brought the subject of touching in public up to your husband? If you haven't, you should. He should know that you would like to hold hands, get a hug, an arm around your shoulder, etc. and will hopefully be willing to compromise. However, if this is how he's always been, don't count on any changes, because if this is how he was, he hasn't changed and showed himself to be who he is in this respect.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 2:56am

Before I offer any advice, I'd like a little clarification on the apparent contradictions between your post and it's title.

In your title, you indicated that you were in love with this friend. But in the post, it appears to have simply been a recent lustful weekend. Would you mind explaining this for me so that my advice is appropriate?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2006
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 7:41pm

I'd like to thank everyone for their posts. They really helped and got outside perspectives on the situation. I have not, and will not tell our friend anything except that my husband didn't like the way that he was acting (I found out that he noticed). I think I was just infatuated with the attention, and once I put a stop to that next week when we all get together again it will go away.

Our friends are in the process of a divorce because she cheated on him. They are still living together until she gets enough money to move out, and they actually get along better being separated than being together, but if you just met them and didn't know any more you would think they were friends, not married.

My husband used to be affectionate to me in public, we used to hold hands, he used to put his arm around me and then the longer we were married the less that happened. I have mentioned it before, but it seems to me that since we are no longer in the early marriage stage he won't do that anymore. Maybe I'll try mentioning it again.

Thanks again for the help. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 8:51pm

Two things I think are very important to do, Ibowl4food:


"I have not, and will not tell our friend anything except that my husband didn't like the way that he was acting..." I think it's very important for you to tell your friend that you don't think it was okay and you don't want it to happen again, ever...period. The day after this happened you told him you thought what he did was cute. Telling him your husband doesn't like it will send the message that you liked it, but your husband was upset sooooo, it's okay to do to you, but he needs to be sure your husband isn't around. He needs to hear that you don't think it's okay. You need to take responsibility to make this stop and not put this over as something your husband's forcing to stop.


"My husband used to be affectionate to me in public, we used to hold hands, he used to put his arm around me and then the longer we were married the less that happened. I have mentioned it before, but it seems to me that since we are no longer in the early marriage stage he won't do that anymore. Maybe I'll try mentioning it again." Forget the "maybe", heck yes you should tell him you miss the affection -- absolutely! It's important to be vocal about what you want, like, miss, etc. in your relationship. If you don't say it he can't know it and if you don't say it and he doesn't know it, chances are you're going to forever be without something you really want. Not only that, it's important to always say what you want, it's important to be a partner, an equal and you can't be that if you're not saying what you want and getting what's important for you to get. This is not silly or juvenile, don't be hesitant to bring this up -- it's important. I'd bet your husband would be more likely to hear you on that subject right now, after watching this guy put his hands on you, kiss you, whisper in your ear, all the while you let him. My guess is he's a little concerned. Knowing you want that from him will probably get his touch back fast.








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 4:25am

I agree 100% with 2nd-life.

>>I have not, and will not tell our friend anything except that my husband didn't like the way that he was acting (I found out that he noticed)<<

Yep, tell him that YOU didn't appreciate it. Or at least that with hindsight you think it was inappropriate and you don't want it to happen again.

>>My husband used to be affectionate to me in public......Maybe I'll try mentioning it again.<<

Again, make sure you tell him this stuff. I remember picking up my marriage from a more serious slip not unlike this situation of yours. And part of the attraction of the other man was that he liked to touch me. I figured out that I was substituting this man into my life to give me what my husband wasn't. Thankfully, my DH understood this and ever since has been more affectionate. I'm not talking big changes...but the little things like a pat on the bottom when I go past. Or if we have to squeeze past each other in our little kitchen, he will touch my shoulders or back when he doesn't really need to. Or if I'm on the PC, and he wants to talk to me, he will stand behind me and give my shoulders a little rub while he's there. These things sound very tiny, but they make a huge difference to me....and truly prevent me from seeking attentions elsewhere.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 7:12pm

Here's my radical approach on the PDA. Why don't you grab his had, you put your arm around him, and you kiss him while you are out and about? Because I am sure that he would reciprocate and then you have what you want, in that regards.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 2:23am

I agree with both of you. Aisha, I also really love my husband's touch. Funny you'd mention the kitchen, anytime I'm in there and he passes I can expect a touch across my back, a kiss on the neck, hands around my waist or something, and if for some reason he doesn't do it (though he hardly ever misses), I really miss it. Touch is really important to me too.


And Jen, yeah, talk about stating the obvious. Absolutely she should be reaching out to him to get what she wants. I still think she should tell him that she misses it and wants it back though, who knows, maybe he quit because he didn't think she cared about it; knowing she wants his touch may be the best thing he's heard for a long time! And even if it isn't, it's still important to make your wants and needs known in a relationship. Both parties need to be heard and both parties wants and needs need to be met.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 10:05am

I agree she should talk to him about it. But she should also start DOING. It could be that he just doesn't think about it anymore, has fallen out of practice. And if she starts it could jump start it for him.

And I agree, I LOVE the small touches.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2006
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 7:12pm
Unfortunately I am the one who is affectionate in our relationship. When we are walking I will sometimes run my hand across his back, put my arm through his, give him a hug, sometimes even try to hold his hand and that's the point when he pulls away. I've called him on it before and he just gets defensive saying that nothing's different. I really love my husband and want things to be the way they used to be. When I come home from work (he gets home before me) I have to go to him to get a kiss and hug and if I don't, he thinks there's something wrong. Same thing with going to bed, I have to give him a kiss or else I won't get one. As for being in public, could it be that he's now ashamed to be with a much younger woman (I've been told I look like I'm 16 or 17) whose been mistaken for his daughter?

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