Married and in love with friend?
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| Mon, 04-03-2006 - 8:05pm |
Okay everyone, I'll give you the short story. I am in love with my husband of 5 years, we've been together for 7. I'm 26 and he's 43. The age is not a problem we get along great and I've told him that I don't believe in divorce, vows are meant to be taken seriously.
We have these two friends who are in the process of a divorce, sort of (that's the long story which I won't get into). Lately (within the past few months) I have been talking more to the guy (he's 10 years older than me) and I think I'm starting to feel like he's more than a friend. This past weekend the four of us were out of town at a sporting event and he had quite a bit to drink and was getting VERY loveable. He would put his hands on my hips to move me forward a step when he had to get behind me since we were sort of in close quarters, he would put his arm around me, he was smooching my cheek, giving me hugs, and I also had my hair pulled back in a pony tail and he started playing with the scrunchie and whispered to me that my hair looked sexy like that, but the thing that made a huge impact on me was when we were all waiting outside at a restaurant until our table was called he came up behind me and put his arms around my stomach and stood there for like 2-3 minutes; he had no coat and it was cold outside so he said he wanted to get warm (my husband was there, but didn't do anything). I told him the next day when he was sober again that I thought he was funny the night before and I also asked him if he remembered anything and he said he did. I understand that drinking does make people do things differently than when they're sober, but I also think there's some truth to it as well.
Now like I said before, I AM IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND, but I'm also confused about these feelings. My husband doesn't do any of that in public (he's not into PDA, not even hand holding), but I'm still young and I like that sort of stuff. So I'm not sure if I'm having these feelings because our friend is doing things that I want my husband to do or what. I'm also confused if I should tell my friend that I thought what he was doing was sweet and I wish my husband would do that. I don't know.
Someone please give me some advise.

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Kiddo, I hate to tell you, because I know you don't want to hear it, but here again the person to ask is your husband, not us. He's the only one who knows why he doesn't show affection in public. We can guess, but we would most likely be completely wrong. If you want real answers, you'll have to go to the source -- your husband. It also sounds like it's not just in public that he withholds affection. I'm a little confused too, because here you're saying "Unfortunately, am the one who is affectionate in our relationship", when earlier you said he used to be affectionate in public but isn't any more.
You said you've called him on pulling away (good for you) and he denies it, saying nothing has changed. I have to tell you, that is a common male response to issues they don't want to talk about. Deny it exists and there's nothing to discuss. His answer, that nothing is different is bull and you know it. What does that mean anyway, that you're so stupid that you can't detect a difference between what he used to do and what he does now? Is he saying you're wrong in thinking he used to touch you? Come on, you know better than that. You're not stupid, you're not hallucinating and you're not delusional. You know what used to be and you know he's changed what he does.
Ibowl4food, you've consistently given off indications that you don't have an equal partnership, that your husband runs the show and you follow his direction. According to the timeline you spelled out in your first post, you've been together since you were 19 and he was 36. It's very common for girls of that age that get into relationships with older men to basically transfer (if you will) from daddy to husband. Their husband (boyfriend first) directs them like an authority figure (their father) and without even realizing it's not an equal partnership, they've entered into a relationship that's more like father-daughter (from an authority/partnership standpoint) than an equal partnership where both have equal voice, equal say and the thoughts and opinions of both are equally heard and respected. The girls don't recognize this is the case because they've not had an adult relationship to compare it with. I have to tell you it sounds like that might be the case here. What do you think? Do you have equal say or does he pretty much call the shots and make the decisions?
You're his wife. You should be heard. Your wants and needs are every bit as important as his. You should be his partner, his equal. Frankly, if he doesn't hold your hand because he's now ashamed to be with a much younger woman then he shouldn't have married a woman young enough to be his daughter. If that is the case, it's not your problem and you shouldn't be made to go without what you want because he now doesn't like how it looks. He made the decision to marry you, he needs to deal with the reality of that marriage. Does he worry that you might be ashamed to be seen holding hands with someone who looks like her father?
If my husband told me he didn't know what I was talking about because nothing had changed (and he has) I'd call him on it (and I have). I told him I was not stupid and recognized the vast difference in behavior. I told him he could ignore it if he wanted to but that wouldn't make the problem go away, and all the time it was being ignored I would be becoming more and more unhappy, causing more problems on top of the one that already existed. I've also told him I wasn't accepting his answer because it was bull and he knew it, and I pushed for a real response, not accepting one that was vague, evasive, avoidance. "I'm not ready to talk about it right now, but I'll get back to you by the end of the day to discuss it" is a valid response. "I don't know what you're talking about" isn't. My husband's better about dealing with issues than he used to be (surprise); we don't avoid issues anymore.
I also notice you're saying that he expects affection from you and thinks something's wrong if he doesn't get it. Why is it that you can't and don't expect affection from him? Maybe a good way to approach this subject is to withhold that kiss and when he asks what's wrong tell him: "You know, that's what I've been wondering..." and you go from there. Really though, you should be able to sit down any time and discuss problems, concerns, wants, needs, etc., with him, and I really hope you do.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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