Married, pregnant and very lonely

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2014
Married, pregnant and very lonely
5
Fri, 05-02-2014 - 9:29pm

This is my first time posting here, and forgive me if it sounds like a rant, but I will burst if I don't talk to someone...

I am about 14 weeks pregnant. My husband has known for a month today, and when I told him the news, he was very happy and overjoyed. We have been married for nearly 9 years and thought we couldn't have kids, so this was a welcome surprise. He is older than I am, and was married once before, but his ex could not have kids. He really thought it was not going to happen for him, until a month ago! 

Although a month is not a very long time, I have noticed a change in him toward me. He still seems very excited about the baby, but he is becoming cold toward me. I can't talk to him anymore without him telling me to shut up or be quiet... he's watching something, or playing a game, or typing something... and it doesn't matter what time of day I try to talk or chat, he's doing something more important. I feel like I have dropped to the bottom, or maybe even off, the priority list. I'm not saying I should come before all else, but I'd like to feel like I come before a facebook game at least. But no. So for at least a week now, I have not really been able to chat with the man who is supposed to be my best friend. 

I understand he is probably freaking out inside, but it only makes it worse by ignoring me or making me feel iscolated. I have never been through this before, and with my family in another country, and very few friends, who also live a good drive away, I have no one but him TO talk to when I have concerns or ponders. 

He is treating me like he hates me though, and like he really resents me. He would never admit that, he would say I'm being stupid, but then he continues to treat me with hostility. And if I get upset at being disrspected or ignored, he *tells* me I'm emotional because quote "... It happens to all pregnant women". (yelled, actually). I was happy as a jaybird earlier, but he told me I was being hormonal because Im getting tired of being told to shut up. 

I am able to bear his first child... you would think that would account for something. You would think he might treat me with some kind of love or respect, but I feel like I have no right being in the house. Like I am in his way all the time and am nothing but a burden to him. Maybe that is the case :(  But (one of) the worst parts is that I feel bad for being excited and proud, and so instead I resent myself for being pregnant. And then I hate myself more for resenting myself....!!! UGH! 

I guess I can't make him love me. I don't know what I've done to deserve disrespect from him, but I will go out of my mind before the baby is born if I have to go through everything alone. Cry

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sat, 05-03-2014 - 3:03pm

And then, his change in attitude might have to do with the fact that he has been infertile for an extended amount of time, with multiple partners.  He might, understandably, believe he shoots blanks.  Which leads him to the $64,000 question.  Especially since there seems to have been trouble in paradise before the pregnancy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Sat, 05-03-2014 - 1:11pm
You better be very well prepared for consequences of bringing out your issues with a good friend. It could create more problems than any good. That said, get a therapist asap. Him telling you to just shut up is just not acceptable and you need to put your foot down to any verbal abuse thrown your way. If he has always been like this towards you then why have you stayed married so long and then go on to get pregnant? Pregnancy/ baby doesnt make things better rather highlight issues and make it worse. What steps have you taken in the last 9 years to curb his ass behavior towards you? See a therapist asap
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2014
Sat, 05-03-2014 - 12:00pm
Yes, he has always been a bit of an ass towards me! And yes, the hormones probably do let it get to me more now, but it has always bothered me. You are right, someone does need to talk to him, but he is not a talker. We have a very good friend who probably could, but then I can see an 'afterwards' where he gets mad at me for 'complaining to friends' or something. He really doesn't see any problem. Everything is fine in his little world. I guess I just come along and ruin it by opening my mouth. :/
Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sat, 05-03-2014 - 11:16am

I see some red flags here.  You live in a country other than your own, with a man who is older than you (how much?).  You've been married for 9 years, but have very few friends, and seem to be isolated in the middle of nowhere.  It does not sound like you have a job, either.  So, this older man who never had kids, and was fine without them, has a young wife, whose only job, apparently, is to cater to him.

Then out of the blue, she gets pregnant.  AND he begins to treat her "...like he really resents (her)...".

I suspect he DOES resent you.  Or your pregnancy, at any rate.  I suspect does NOT want a child interfering with the way he has arranged his relationship with you.  He does not want your attention to be on anyone but him.

I agree with the OP that you should reach out to your Gyne, and describe your living conditions.  If you have NOT seen a doctor or if you can only leave the house when he takes you somewhere, then you should get yourself out of the house AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.  Go stay with your friends, or go home to your family.  Tell your husband you will only return if he and you have marital counseling.  And get the counseling BEFORE you isolate yourself with your husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 05-03-2014 - 12:24am

I'm not excusing his behavior, but it's very possible he's "scared".  Maybe he's wanted children, but after two marriages and thinking he couldn't have them, suddenly his life is going to turn upsidedown.  Maybe suddenly he's worried about whether or not he will be a good father, or if he can support a child.   Do you have a clergyman that you could talk to?  Someone needs to talk to HIM.....to get his head screwed on straight.  It is also possible that he was always somewhat like this, and  he's right about the hormones......it's bothering you more now than it did before.  Assuming you're going to an ob/gyn for pre-natal care, if you're not, you need to go soon......talk to the doctor about your concerns.  He won't want you stressed out during your pregnancy.  Maybe the doctor can recommend a therapist that you or both of you could talk to.  Good Luck to you and your baby!