Maybe I messed up....I think?
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| Mon, 04-24-2006 - 11:47am |
Hi everyone,
I am new here but I feel welcome already.
My BF is really upset that I booked a trip to Miami for Memorial Day weekend with my friends and NOT him. At first he seemed okay with the idea of me vacationing w/o him but yesterday I mentioned that the day of the trip is my B-Day. He didn't take it well. He got silent on me and has been that way ever since.
We haven't been together long, we are 9 months old now, but I planned this trip like 4 months ago. At the time I honestly didn't think that we would be as close as we are. How do I explain to him that I am NOT looking to get "WILD" on this trip just because its my B-Day? Was I wrong for booking the trip on my B-day w/o him knowing that the trip is on my birthday? Why is he mad? It's not like 4 months ago he said, "I'm really looking forward to spending your b-day w/you"
I'm trying to put the shoe on the other foot but, I dont know? Maybe I messed things up this time...I think?

I don't think it's a major issue since you booked your trip months ago. At the stage you were when you booked it, it's perfectly acceptable. Tell him that if he wants to do something with you for your birthday that you can go the weekend before or after you get back. And enjoy your trip!
Jen
When you were booking the trip many months ago, did you mention it to him in passing? Did you mention it was your birthday and did he object? If he had no problems when you booked it, I would suggest that he's a bit out of line now. I'm not suggesting that you need his blessing to go, but rather discussing it would have been an act of courtesy.
However, if you booked it back then and didn't mention anything till now, then I would say that you did mess up.
Well, oddly enough; here I am with a different perspective entirely.
Not only do I think you did not mess things up, I think going off with friends on a trip, birthday or not, is wise and important. Your boyfriend is a part of your life, no your life and needs to see that you are an independent woman who has a life beyond him.
It's all too common for girls to drop every friend they have and focus entirely on their boyfriends. It's not healthy, and it's very difficult to move on from a break up when you've made your boyfriend your whole life. Whether you made the plans before you met your boyfriend or last week, making plans for yourself is perfectly fine, acceptable and appropriate. Honestly, if your boyfriend is not okay with you taking time to do what you want without him, he's not a guy you want to stay with long term anyway.
In talking to him about this, I would not assume that he thinks you're going to go wild and start off by assuring him you won't. A much more adult approach is to tell him you can't help but notice he's been quiet since you reminded him about your upcoming trip and you'd like to talk about what it is that's bothering him about this. Don't assume anything -- ask and let him tell you what's going on with him.
IMO, you have not made any mistake at all, you have nothing to apologize for. Treat this like you're an adult who's made plans for their life and ask him his silence is about.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
That is great advice! I will not assume anything; I will approach him about it!
Just to answer a few questions...
When I booked the trip I told him that I would be going to Miami on Memorial day Weekend with my friends. (Who are guys, by the way, but my guy friends like guys. So he had no problem with that.) He was a little concerned that I will be going on Mem. Day Weekend but he was giving me the space I needed. I did NOT mention that it was my B-day.
In the beginning we told each other when our b-days were so I figured he would know. But I realized he totally didn't make the connection and I already felt that he was not complaining about the trip so I didn't want to push my luck.
I figured I would casually bring it up later, which I see now was a mistake.
I totally agree with CL! Having a boyfriend in my life is great but making a boyfriend my life is a terrible thing to do. When I was younger I did just that and when we broke up it was horrible. I didnt even know myself enough enjoy my life without him. I learned that valuable lesson early on!
OKay, I can see where your bf would struggle with you going away with a bunch of guys over Mem Weekend and your birthday. And he hasn't gotten mad or told you that you shouldn't go. But he is probably struggling with a little insecurity about it and I can understand why. Just remain totally calm about it and give him a little space to deal, then talk to him like Cl suggested.
jen
Please remember it's not just a "bunch of guys". They are my closest friends and they DON'T like girls. It's like I'm traveling with my girlfriends. My BF has met them and he is okay with me going with them. He even said that they can watch over me to keep me safe. I think he is upset because he thinks I'd rather be having fun traveling and parting without him. Maybe he feels left out. Maybe he feels insecure. Maybe I should have a heart to heart with him tonight because I can't keep guessing.
I think you are right sillynut, he does keep things bottled up instead of talking about it. I know it bothers him that I'm going but he has not expressed that to me. I have to read the clues like his silence, or his body language to get answers. It's ridiculous. I think he doesn't want to "look" like the jealous bf.
How do I make him comfortable enough to express his concerns and fears?
Sorry, I misread the part where you said they liked guys. :)
You can't make him comfortable. I wouldn't do more than just ask him. I wouldn't dig, or try to get him to talk to you... Just ask him if there is something bothering him and go from there.
Jen
I agree with Jen, there really isn't anything you can do to make him want to open up; either he will or he won't. You might tell him his silence and body language tell you something's up but if he's not willing to talk about it, there's no way it can be understood, addressed and resolved. You can set an example by keeping yourself open and honest, but beyond that, it's on him.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"