maybe this is silly but....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
maybe this is silly but....
14
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 5:44pm

Hi everyone, I'm new to this board. My name is Kristina, I'm 25 and I've been married(pretty happily) for five years(actually it will be 5 years tommorrow!). My husband and I have a two and half year old and a five year old, both boys.
Of course I love my husband and could see myself with no one else, but he seriously drives me up the wall! I don't think a day goes by where I don't want to scream at him or do some form of bodily harm to him! I'm not sure if it's just me or what. He is so good at giving me the guilt trip, making me think everything is my fault(of course that may be just my thinking, I don't know!)
Anyway, my husband works, I stay home with the kids. I really want to get a job, but without going to college any job I get won't bring home enough to pay for anything but daycare and gas to get back and forth-not really worth it, although I've considered it just to get a break from the kids for a while each day! My husband is a railroader and his job varies greatly from day to day. Sometimes he will only have to work three or four days in a week, sometimes he will work every day for a week, we just never know.
I'm getting to my point, I promise! The thing is, he thinks that because he's the sole breadwinner of the family, he is not responsible for anything else. If I don't ask, he won't lift a finger. He either sits in front of the computer all day or watches movies. If he's not home doing nothing, he is at the gym. As we speak, there are 3 bags of garbage in front of the back door waiting to be taken out, I can tell you I will most likely be the one to take them out. He won't pick up his dirty clothes, and 9 times out of 10, he leaves his dishes in the livingroom for me to pick up. He says he forgets, but I am beginning to think that he is just lazy. One time I purposely didn't wash his clothes, just walked around them and left them in a pile on our bedroom floor. After a week, he still hadn't noticed!!! When I finally said something to him, he said " those can't be all mine" when I assured him they indeed were he said "well, I saw them and meant to pick them up and forgot" So, when he did pick them up, you know what he did? He piled them in front of the basement door. I had to haul the clothes downstairs and then wash dry fold and put away at least 4 loads of clothes. pointless.
This applys to the children too. When I ask him to change a poopy diaper he acts like he is the only one who changes poopy diapers! I can't remember the last time he gave the kids a bath and every time he puts the kids to bed (once every 2 months or so) he puts them in bed and leaves the room. I've tried to tell him that they are used to me putting them in bed, I sing to them and cuddle you know, they feel jypped(sp?) if he is only in their room for 30 seconds!
I can't remember the last time I didn't have an angry day. I am angry at the kids also. I feel stretched too thin. I don't know what to do. We have talked-I have talked but nothing I say stays in his head. I don't want to have sex with him, I dread going to bed with him and when he asks to have sex I think, why should I do something for you when you never do anything for me(of your own free will anyway).
Ok, well this is really long, sorry!!!! It felt extrememly good to vent though. I realize that it is not just him, it's me also, I know that, but I still don't know what to do. Any advice-any at all-would be so greatly appreciated. I fear I may live the rest of my life in anger if I cant change, or get my husband to pitch in. I don't want my kids to think this is how a marriage is supposed to be. Please Help!!!!!

-Kristina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 02-05-2006 - 8:36am

One question, was the discussion all about what he needs to do to change?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-05-2006 - 4:05pm

Great news, Kristina!


A couple of important points real quick:
  • Be sure to praise him for his efforts. If he changes but doesn't hear anything from you he may figure no one notices, so what's the point? Positive reinforcement is important, you know!
  • You said he seemed to think it was funny; remember, if he thinks it's petty, minor, or no big deal, then what's the problem with him doing it?!?! If it's no big deal, it shouldn't be a big deal for him to take care of.
  • Jenny made some great points. I have only one word of caution and I'm certain she'd agree. Don't threaten anything you don't intend to carry out. Saying the problems may eventually lead to divorce is one thing, saying if he doesn't change you're leaving is another -- unless that's really how you feel.


    I'm so glad things are changing! Great work, Kristina!







  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 01-11-2006
    Sun, 02-05-2006 - 8:56pm
    No, now that you mention it, I didn't even think to ask him those things! I guess because he never acts like anything is wrong. Of course, I'm sure I'm sure there are some things that I do that he would like me to change. I'll have to ask him. I haven't told him that he puts the kids to bed wrong, I know there is no right or wrong way and every parent has different ways of doing things. It's just that because he hardly ever puts them to bed, they are used to the way I do it and when he's in and out in 30 seconds they won't stay in bed until I come in and do what we usually do. I just wish he would have been more involved from the beginning. I'll talk to him, though and see what he says!
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 02-19-2004
    Mon, 02-06-2006 - 7:58am

    That's good that you don't criticize him, but if he doesn't do the job and then you take over and finish it for him, he's never going to figure out a method that does work.

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