Me vs The World

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2011
Me vs The World
13
Tue, 09-13-2011 - 1:02pm

Hi everyone. I'm newly wed to my husband who I have been with for 4 years, and we have a baby on the way. For the most part I can consider myself happy, but there is one issue that still bothers me to no end.

My DH is a martial arts instructor, he's a very sweet man who loves working with these kids and he is darn good at it. I am also an instructor, but I don't work there. I drift in and out to teach sometimes to get a little bit of money, but I mostly stay home to take care of my animals and house.

Now, here is the problem. I have NOTHING against divorced couples, but majority of the parents that bring their kids to the school are single, middle-aged, and on the hunt. DH keeps everything professional, there are only a few parents we have become really close friends with, but they are married or actually respect the boundaries that are set when dealing with a married man. Others tend to not care, and I don't understand! I have these single parents calling and texting DH and always flirting with him. When he first began working there, one of them would always call and text him to invite him somewhere with her and her son and he would have to ask 'Can my fiance (at the time) come too?' and she would be like 'oh...yeah.' Not to mention most of these single parents are spreading rumors about DH cheating on me with one of the other female instructors. DH thinks nothing of this! He doesn't like the rumors, but he is convinced the parents aren't flirting with him!

DH has cheated on me (emotionally) in the past, but we were young and going through a hard time. It's hard to forget, but I forgave him. The girl he was accused of cheating on me with this time called me crying saying she swore she would never do that and that she loves me and my DH and she would never do that to our relationship or her own.

I believe her in, but now I wonder why these single parents are trying to tear my marriage apart. Do they think if they end my marriage, they have a shot with DH? There is also speculation that the rumors are being fueled by his boss and his boss's 19 year old g/f who is also an instructor and my ex-best friend (who I accidently trusted with secrets). They can't seem to keep our business out of their mouths!

It's very confusing guys, I tried to word everything so it would make sense. But it's so hard when you have so many different situations out to affected your marriaged. I have never done anything to these people. I was always kind and considerate. In fact, I was suppose to have the 19 year old girl's job, but I gave it to her because she got kicked out of her home. I'm a saint, but right now, I feel like the devil in me needs to come out. Any advice on what my next steps should be would be wonderful. I don't want to leave him over something like this just to be selfish to my own happiness.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 09-13-2011 - 4:07pm

I'm just wondering why all the single parents (I assume you mean mothers) number one, even care about what your DH is doing in his private life and two, are spreading rumors about him. I could see if you said one particular woman is spreading the rumors and/or flirting w/ him but a whole group?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Tue, 09-13-2011 - 10:55pm

Wow! If you live in Fairfield CT... I definitely know you! If not, then I know your situation pretty well including the martial arts bit.

Why do these women have your DH's phone number to begin with? They shouldn't. Something is really wrong if he is giving out his personal cell to the parents of the kids he teaches.

"I don't want to leave him over something like this just to be selfish to my own happiness."

Whoa, since when is it selfish to want to be happy?? If you're being disrespected this badly and are miserable for it, is it really selfish to want better for yourself?? Who is REALLY the selfish one here? Isn't it the one who is disrespecting his marriage?

"DH has cheated on me (emotionally) in the past, but we were young and going through a hard time."

a) You have been together four years. Unless you were twelve then, you couldn't have been a whole lot younger.

b) You will go through many more harder times, I guarantee you that.

Are these really good excuses for cheating?

Your "dear" husband's track record is poor and instead of making a real change to prove his trustworthiness, he continues to encourage affection from other women.

I'd be gone. You are being made a complete fool of.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Wed, 09-14-2011 - 2:23am

Ash_face, you've posted about this problem before, only with a different name.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2011
Wed, 09-14-2011 - 12:22pm
I'm not saying all single older women are going after him. Just THESE. I don't believe all of them are out to get him. It's mostly because his idiot of a boss wasn't enough of a man to stay happily married, and instead decided he'd much rather sleep with these parents and older students and they think DH is the same way. I KNOW these rumors aren't true, but it brings up ugly things from when we were 16 and just started dating and that hurts me, he just doesn't understand why it does. There was even a rumor about our child not belonging to him, but my ex-boss. Come on now.

He has personal numbers to the high paying parents who want private lessons for their kids, unfortunately, most of them are the parents that were with his boss. I've scoped it out, but nothing. It's not that I'll think he'll cheat, its the fact that these people are trying to tear apart a relationship and we're struggling. To hold it up, because I'm breaking down.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2011
Wed, 09-14-2011 - 12:23pm
I'm also not sure of the screen name, I don't have very good memory when it comes to that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 09-14-2011 - 12:37pm

It's time for him to find another job so that you both can start fresh, without this BS. I understand the climate in martial arts instruction is not exactly a typical office setting where you go to HR and air your complaints. But if he's unwilling to even LOOK for an opening somewhere else, I just don't think that your feelings mean much to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 09-14-2011 - 3:42pm

I was thinking the same thing--this sounds like a very unprofessional environment and I sure hope all the students the boss is sleeping with are over 18.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 09-14-2011 - 4:41pm

Yeah. I would not feel great about my husband's integrity if he was fine with working under these circumstances...

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Thu, 09-15-2011 - 1:47am

Just let me know what it might have been or some part of it and I'll likely be able to find it.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 09-15-2011 - 4:57am

Ash_face did post before, but under the same name http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/Relationship-Problems/Rumors-UGH/td-p/117365665

hope this helps

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