Men + The Future = whats with him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2005
Men + The Future = whats with him?
2
Fri, 11-25-2005 - 11:42am

Hello...
Wow...relationships...tough stuff:(lol..
Well here go's my problem..
I am 18 years old, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years.
Last night, we started a conversation about the future, even though he didn't seem like he wanted to talk about it, guys usaully don't seem to want to. We got into the conversation though, and he eventually told me that he thinks we are just highschool sweethearts, and that were not really meant for eachother in the end. He says were not meant for eachother because we do have a horrible history of fights and horrible things said to one another. He says right now he loves me to death, not like he used to, but he still wants to be together and really loves me. What is this?..is he just scared and dosent want to think about the future? It kind of seems that way....
Can he ever love me like he used to if the relationship gets better? Could his opinion change on the future if we stayed together for alot longer..
Wow..it was pretty upsetting to hear that he's sure we wont be together forever...I said I liked to think that there wasnt a limit to the relationship and to take it day by day. Then I said if we are meant to be with eachother, it will happen for us. Then he said he agreed to that. What's with him? Is he scared of commitment? Can this change? Does he honestly love me..I mean he says he does,he shows it..the look in his eyes say he means it...but whats with him? Any help would be unbelieveable...thank you..

Leena<3...I love him so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-25-2005 - 1:42pm

Leena73, you're not going to like my answer. Your boyfriend sounds like he's got his head on pretty straight. Much as you'll hate to hear it, here's the deal:


When you're 17 you're not "done" yet, not nearly through maturing and changing into the adult that you’ll be. At that age, and for many more years to come, you think you know exactly what you want, but the reality is you really don't. There are so many changes yet to come, so much maturing, refining, realizations and changes in what you want in your life. **And all the while, your boyfriend is going through those same changes.**Not only that, but while you're changing, your partner is doing the same and Oddly enough, being together doesn't really seem to influence what direction you take, which means it's most likely that by the time you and your partner are finished changing, neither of you are what you were before and you're not as "right" for each other either. When you’re 21, just like now, you’ll think you know exactly what you want for the rest of your life. When you’re 30 you’ll look back and be amazed at how wrong you were, how little you really knew (even though you thought you knew it all) and you’ll be amazed at how much you’ve changed. It’s a normal process that we all go through. I like to liken it to earlier years: the guy you dated when you were 15 you thought was perfect, the best for you, but as you grew and evolved, he wasn't so great for you. The guy that was perfect for you at 15 wasn't even close to being right for you at 17, likewise the guy who was right for you at 17 isn't close to right for you at 25.


Two years is a long time to be together at this point in your life, and both of you have done some changing during that time, which certainly would account for things being different in the relationship. I know it's wonderful to think about the future with your boyfriend, but most likely that won't happen. And in truth, it shouldn't. You need experience to make the right choice in marriage and you won't get experience without dating others -- and for many more years to come too.


Dating during your teen years is early relationship training, it's where you begin to learn how relationships work and how they're handled. Like everything else in life, it takes practice to get a good grasp on how it all works best. As you continue to grow and mature and continue to have more experiences, both in relationships and in life, you'll become much more rounded and have a better base to make appropriate choices from.


You can find other websites that might be helpful to you here:
Recommended Websites For Young Adults


I know it wasn't what you wanted to hear Leena, but that's the way it is. It sounds like he's being perfectly up front and honest about his feelings, which is great; you may not like what you hear from him, but it's so much better than being led to believe everything's fine, fine, fine and then be blindsided when you find out it's not.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 11-25-2005 - 4:39pm

I agree with cl-2nd life and all that she said. Your boyfriend sounds very wise and it's great that he's being honest with you.

A horrible history of fights and horrible things said to each other is a big, red flag. It means that the two of you are really not meant to be. Good relationships are easy!

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