Might be the end
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| Fri, 01-13-2006 - 6:31pm |
Hi all,
I haven't been around in a while...
I know most of you don't know the situation but this one's pretty general so I'll just bring up the most recent occurrence.
My bf and I were planning to get married eventually. We had a breakdown of trust which was getting much better lately. We'd have a few arguments here and there but nothing major - so I thought.
We haven't seen each other much because of the holidays and family gatherings, going out of town, etc....
Well, the other night I was very irritated with him and I snapped at him and we didn't talk after that but I was still upset the next day which I said. I won't explain the situation because I think we were both wrong.
Now he says he wants to break things off completely because of all the arguing lately, however I had thought things were getting better and that we were actually becoming better when it came to conflict. But that is neither here nor there now because he just says he wants to break it off. I know he usually reacts to a situation very hastily as he's always done but usually the next day it's over but not this time. He says he doesn't know if he needs time or what and I've cried and pleaded because I do really love him and I know he loves me. I feel like if I give this closure and move on he'll later think he made a mistake (my own assumption that I'd like to believe). But we've planned to spend our lives together and I really had thought we were making progress and then after the other night he drops this bomb.
This year so far had been going so well and I really felt like I was getting my life back together, but now this, and I'm a mess all over again - I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't stop crying.
I love this man so very much even if we both have things we need to work on and he says right now he just doesn't want to have to worry about that even though he's been making an effort as have I to try to better our relationship.
I know none of you can bring him back to me...but at least I can let it out. Great, now I'm crying again. I just feel like I'm in limbo and everytime he does this he never carries through but he's acting colder than he did before much longer than any other time. I don't want to lose him.... :o(

Here are the links to Quirky's previous posts for anyone who's not familiar with her situation.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks 2nd life, I really don't know how to deal with this. My heart is breaking and I've lost all motivation. My poor kids think mommy is just "not feeling good".
I'm so very sad and can't even muster up much energy to type and unfortunately my quit smoking plan went out the chimney since I've been smoking like one.
He is my best friend but I know we have problems and right now he doesn't want to work on them even though we had been making progress. It seems any kind of honesty or forthrightness is anything but what he wants to hear or deal with.
I keep calling him and I probably shouldn't be esp since he's not answering, I don't know if it's because he doesn't have his phone with him or if he's just ignoring me. The sad thing is I don't know how to get through this without him...I'm so lost.
Quirky,
I'm sorry what you are going through is causing you so much pain. I know I"m not going to be able to help that. (((Hugs)))
But I have to say, you need to suck it up. You have 2 precious children who are sitting helplessly watching their mommy be a sobbing, smoking wreck. One of which has issues and breaks in his routine will bring them out. You need to pull yourself together and even if you are feeling like you are falling apart on the inside, present a calm front on the outside til they are sound asleep for the night. They don't need the additional trauma of being worried about you.
This isn't to say you can't be sad in front of them or whatnot, but by the sounds of it you aren't in control of your emotions at all. That is NOT a good thing, especially for your kids.
Jen
Jen,
Thanks for the tough love and I am taking your advice. Fortunately it was only about a day or so that I had them that I was really sad. I tried not to cry in front of them and I just tried to keep them occupied and hang out with them without seeming too out of sorts. Their dad took them today (already planned a while ago) and it was a day I really needed to myself. I didn't sit around and mope, I've kept myself busy all day crying from time to time but not nearly as much as yesterday. Surprisingly I'm doing ok today and my house is clean...
I do love him but I guess acceptance is hitting me already. Even by going back and reading some of the things I wrote really hit home about his character. He was changing a lot but sometimes it really got under my skin how self-centered he could be. Not saying I never am but his views on things are very different than mine. I guess I'm wondering if it's not a blessing in disguise for me because maybe that perfect person is out there somewhere. Not that I'm going to go rushing into another relationship or am even interested in pursuing anything right now but maybe God does have a different plan for me and maybe this is my chance. Maybe my bf was holding me back somehow and maybe I would have found that if we ended up together I would see he really wasn't all that I needed him to be, I don't know. And the other thing is that he was taking my voice away and not letting me be open or honest about a lot of things which isn't me. He squashes any kind of communication over anything negative. I have learned to be less negative but he on the other hand hasn't gotten much better at allowing me to say much of anything about anything pertinent.
At this point I know I have to keep it together and I am trying and today I think I did a good job and even got a lot of things done and I will try not to let that demon of loneliness and heartbreak get to me.
Anyway, I do appreciate your response. I know you are absolutely right.
>>I guess I'm wondering if it's not a blessing in disguise for me because maybe that perfect person is out there somewhere<<
These are my sentiments exactly. After reading all your posts and knowing how miserable you have been with him, this can only be a fresh start for you.
Just another point to ponder: You mentioned in your first post (in this thread) that it's been going so well this year. Hon, this year is only 2 weeks old and compared to the length of history that you have with him, it's just a drop in the ocean.
Quirky, I'm sorry it took me so long to get back here. My own life has been a bit nutsy lately and of course, that has to come first. Thankfully I have the day off today so I have a chance to catch up.
I'm really glad you reread your own posts, I almost suggested that to you when I posted your old posts, but decided not to since you were hurting so much; I figured if you wanted to you would without it being suggested. Reading what's happened in your own words has a way of really having a big effect on you, just like you've discovered, you see things you didn't realize before and often you realize how much was really there. It helps you gain perspective, for sure. Quirky, I hope you've stopped calling him. Getting back in contact, pleading and begging won't make the relationship any better and honestly, the most it will likely do is prolong the agony; if he's to the point that he's "done", taking you back out of pity won't make your relationship last, before long he'll end it again. In the end a million phone calls will only embarrass you and you'll wish his last memory of you wasn't of you groveling and begging.
I'm glad your kids were already scheduled to be with their father, having the time to yourself was a good thing, you needed that. I've been in the position of having small children to take care of while nursing a relationship that ended against my wishes, I know how hard it is to function as a mom when all you want to do is curl up in a corner and cry or get to your ex's house and beg him not to do this. At times like this the best you can do is "fake it until you make it". Put on as happy a face as you can muster (but also know it's okay for kids to see you cry some -- just not constant, you know?) and do what you need to do for them. Eventually you'll get through it, I promise.
How are you doing?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi 2nd life,
I've been wondering how you have been doing, I know you said your life was hectic and I remember reading about your son having a breakdown/breakthrough...how is that going?
I just wanted to let you know how I'm doing too. I'm fine and guess what? We're back together. Yes, we are...again!!!lol!
I didn't keep begging and groveling or anything the other day I wrote him a letter basically saying how I thought things were really changing for us and how if he thought it was better to break it off that I wouldn't be angry because I don't own him or his heart. I wrote a lot of the great times we spent together and that my love for him has made me a better person and that no matter what I would take that with me. Since then we've spoken and I think he just wanted some time really because he kept saying he wasn't sure and I said well if you don't think you're going to be with me then I can't be friends because it would be too hard and that I would just need to get over him so I can move on with my life and if he thought I wasn't the right person for him then maybe there was someone else out there who would think I was the right person who wanted to try for me and me for them. He told me still several times that he loves me and has missed me. Yesterday I told him there were a few things that I needed back from his house and I went over today to pick them up from him. I had some things that I was going to say like not a lot of people have what we have had, even people that are married and that if we did love each other we should find a way to work it out but if he really felt I was not the right person for him that I would just need to let him go and get over him so I can find the right person and I was also planning on saying some other things... however, that's all I could say before he said that he wants to stay with me, and he even started tearing up.
It was even harder to think of ending it because we had built up so much, we had so many plans for the future, I had just met all of his family even his other son who he had before by an accident but was adopted but still comes up to see him every now and then. When he was up he opened up to me and cried and said he wanted to see his dad more...his 4 year old just said he loved me, we were planning on going on vacation with my family this summer...I'm not saying those are the reasons to stay together but we had gotten to a point where we both seemed to let the other know that this is for real and this is permanent and we had let each other into the other's lives so much and to just let it all go now would have been so rough. I know I would have gotten through it, I have been through a lot of things before but I do believe that he is the only person I want to be with even if he's not perfect and he knows very much that I'm not either! But I know we have tried for the other person and I think we will continue trying because besides the rough times, we connect in so many ways that we can't even connect with our best same-sex friends or even our family and I really feel like we were meant to be together and I think he believes that too.
So, that's my update. I know some of you were probably thinking that I would just come back to bawl but I'm here to do a victory dance now because I have the man I love back!!! Hopefully, I won't be on here again with any problems anytime soon or to say it's over AGAIN...
Thanks for all the support everyone.