Military boyfriend not ready
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| Mon, 04-17-2006 - 10:58pm |
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months. We met a week after he returned from a year in Iraq (he's in the national guard) while I was home from school for winter break. We dated for the month I was home and decided to stay together when I went back to school (it's only about an hour and a half distance).
We've put in effort to see each other every weekend and our relationship was moving along nicely. A few weeks ago, however, he started acting distant and moody. He finally told me that he's having trouble adjusting to civilian life, his new job, and his new apartment, and that he isn't sure he's ready to be in a relationship.
It was such a shock to hear that, especially because in the beginning he was the one who was the most excited about being in a relationship. We decided that since neither one of us wants to end the relationship, we're just going to take a few weeks apart and use that time to focus on ourselves.
I completely understand that he's having trouble getting back into normal life, and that he's not ready for a relationship (though that doesn't make it hurt any less). Am I doing the right thing by giving him the space he needs? Is it normal for us to feel this confused about what we want?

jessabelle7,
Let's take a step back and look at it from his eyes. Not to imply that you shouldn't be hurt by this, it is very valid that you are.
As civilian's that have never been in war we have no idea what those guys are really going through over there. There are parts of it that we couldn't even imagine if we wanted too. It's going to change him and he's going to need time to adjust. I know that it's seems weird because of his behaviour in the begining, but sometimes it takes time to realize that we need certain things in our lives. Remember him changing his mind and needing time is going to be a way different step for him because of what's he's been through.
I know that this post could have been worded better, but I'm tired and I've been in a battle over a post on another board. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be kicked off that board here real quick. Can I just say, can open worms everywhere!!!! hahaha! Anyways, I'm exhausted and out of words. :)
Best of luck,
defleppardgal
Defleppardgal
I know this isn't yours to do, but your boyfriend is almost certainly suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It's very common for guys who have come back from the war, they seem to do well for a while, then kind of fall down, or fall apart. He needs to get help with this through the National Guard. They have programs set up to assist soldiers to help them get through this difficult time. It's important to do. It won't go away if he gives it more time. I know you can't *make* him do anything, but if you can talk to him about it and encourage him to get the help he needs you'll be doing him a great favor. There was just a series of articles in the paper a month or so ago on the subjecct. One article told the story of a guy who came back, seemed fine, but began to struggle. Things got worse and worse until they dissolved him sitting in his shed, seriously contemplating suicide, until the cops showed up and luckily, one of the cops had also been over there. He recognized what the guy was dealing with, talked him down and he got help, much to his family's happiness.
Let me know, okay? This is serious stuff and guys can blow if off easy enough, they don't like to appear weak (especially military guys). The thing is, it seems like you should be able to get over it easily. It doesn't seem like it should affect you once you're home. But it does -- in a big way. What seems lame and weak isn't. Hopefully, since your guy was forward thinking enough to recognize a relationship was more than he could handle and was wise enough to convey that to you, he'll also be able to see the benefit of getting help.
For the particulars on where and how he should get help a good board for you to check in on is:Military Wives To talk to others who may be experiencing the same problems with their boyfriends you might want to check in at:
Dating a Military Man
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I'm confused about what to do because I care about him very, very much, and I'm so afraid of losing him. Whatever happens, I want to have him in my life. I just don't know if I'm being naive thinking that we can manage to stay close, if not in a relationship. I want more than anything to have him in my life, and I'm just going through a lot of new emotions right now.
Since we've decided to take some time to work through this, I've been an absolute mess. We haven't even broken up but this hurts more than I could have imagined. I know he needs more than I can give him right now, but that doesn't stop me from feeling like I should do something. Not talking every day will be so hard for me, and for him as well. I know that if we stay together and try to force it to get better that it will most likely backfire, and I'm willing to give him his space. It doesn't make it any easier to know that we're probably doing the right thing.
I'm sorry if my thoughts seem scattered, I really don't know what I'm thinking right now. Thanks to everyone who replies.
Sweetie, there's nothing you can do but go with the flow and see what happens.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"