Missing Condom

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2013
Missing Condom
9
Fri, 04-05-2013 - 1:56pm

My husband always keeps condoms in a travel bag that he keeps on the bathroom sink.  He keeps other things in there also for easy access -- razors, deoderant, etc.  He used to bring the bag to my house when we were dating and we used condoms at times. Nothing weird there.

A couple of weeks ago, while I was cleaning the bathroom, I dropped his bag and the condoms fell out of the zippered part he keeps them in (the zippered part is never zipped up).  I noticed there were 3 condoms in the bag.  Yesterday, I went into his bag for scissors (like I always do) and noticed there were only 2 condoms in the bag.

Additional facts:  He had a herpes outbreak about 10 days ago, so we have refrained from sex (which is why we have condoms around).  I started my period 2 days ago, so still no sex.  I am confused and sick to my stomach over the missing condom.  I thought maybe he used one to masterbate, but I have never known him to do that.  This morning I jokingly asked if he's had to "release" because it's been a while since we have had sex (I had to!).  He said no -- that during an outbreak it's uncomfortable to do that.  I also noticed that he zipped up that part of the bag this morning. 

Any thoughts on this?  Should I confront him?  He's never given me reason to not trust him, although I believe he has cheated in the past - before he met me. 

 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 04-05-2013 - 3:33pm

angie3101 wrote:
<p>My husband has always keeps condoms in a travel bag that he keeps on the bathroom sink.  He keeps other things in there also for easy access -- razors, deoderant, etc.  He used to bring the bag to my house when we were dating and we used condoms at times. Nothing weird there.</p><p>A couple of weeks ago, while I was cleaning the bathroom, I dropped his bag and the condoms fell out of the zippered part he keeps them in (the zippered part is never zipped up).  I noticed there were 3 condoms in the bag.  Yesterday, I went into his bag for scissors (like I always do) and noticed there were only 2 condoms in the bag.</p><p>Additional facts:  He had a herpes outbreak about 10 days ago, so we have refrained from sex (which is why we have condoms around).  I started my period 2 days ago, so still no sex.  I am confused and sick to my stomach over the missing condom.  I thought maybe he used one to masterbate, but I have never known him to do that.  This morning I jokingly asked if he's had to "release" because it's been a while since we have had sex (I had to!).  He said no -- that during an outbreak it's uncomfortable to do that.  I also noticed that he zipped up that part of the bag this morning. </p><p>Any thoughts on this?  Should I confront him?  He's never given me reason to not trust him, although I believe he has cheated in the past - before he met me. </p><p> </p>

Instead of "confronting" him, why don't you just ask him in a non-accusatory way?  Is it that you already have decided you won't believe the answer he'll give you if you asked him, so a "confrontation" is warranted? 

 I don't see where a confrontation will render a good outcome, considering it's obvious by what you added at the end that you believe he will cheat on you based upon his past behavior... and then, I'd have to ask why you'd marry a man who cheated long before he met you if you were going to hold that over his head later on down the road?  That sounds like inviting stress and trouble where it needn't be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2013
Fri, 04-05-2013 - 3:49pm
By "confronting" him, I meant asking him -- explaining how I discovered it, etc. as opposed to just ignoring it or letting it go. I'm not holding anything over his head. I simply mentioned the past situation so that those offering to help me would know the facts in order to form an honest, educated opinion.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: xxxs
Fri, 04-05-2013 - 9:33pm

 This is a time to keep your insecurity silent.  No matter how you say it it will be an accusation. What is better is to replace the current condoms and put them in a hard case.  You can say that you were concerned that they may get damaged rolling around (true).  Condoms that are carried around should be replaced from time to time anyway.  Since he allows you to go into his things he can say nothing but thank you.  Plus it is a very subtle way while demonstrating care.

Goldfish

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 04-06-2013 - 1:57pm

angie3101 wrote:
By "confronting" him, I meant asking him -- explaining how I discovered it, etc. as opposed to just ignoring it or letting it go. I'm not holding anything over his head. I simply mentioned the past situation so that those offering to help me would know the facts in order to form an honest, educated opinion.

his past history has nothing to do with this.  You said he's never given you any reason to not trust him.  That was enough history to form an "educated opinion".

Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sat, 04-06-2013 - 9:57pm

I completely agree with Kendahke.  I think you should ask him in a non-accusatory way.  I think it's warranted, you've seen enough to make it a question that needs to be asked.  Let us know how it goes.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2013
Sun, 04-07-2013 - 10:54am
Well, I asked him about it in a non-accusatory way. He didn't get defensive. He swore to God and on the lives of his family that he has never done anything appropriate. He said that he is crazy in love with me,etc. He suggested that perhaps I mis-counted. I am 98% sure there were 3 in the bag. The morning I saw only 2 my entire body started shaking and I felt sick. Pretty intense reaction. I have no solid proof of anything so I think I have to let this go and continue to love and trust him. Agreed??
Community Leader
Registered: 05-14-2001
Sun, 04-07-2013 - 5:52pm

Absolutely agree.  One incident can be an error, if more oddities and discrepencies pop up in the future they'll add up to more, no doubt.  One red flag is a warning, not a call to action.  I would let it go.


~ cl-2nd_life

cl-2nd_
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 04-10-2013 - 12:13pm

angie3101 wrote:
Well, I asked him about it in a non-accusatory way. He didn't get defensive. He swore to God and on the lives of his family that he has never done anything appropriate. He said that he is crazy in love with me,etc. He suggested that perhaps I mis-counted. I am 98% sure there were 3 in the bag. The morning I saw only 2 my entire body started shaking and I felt sick. Pretty intense reaction. I have no solid proof of anything so I think I have to let this go and continue to love and trust him. Agreed??

yes..

Also, if you're shaking and feeling sick because there is still 2 condoms in his bag since the last time you checked, then it might help if you just stayed out of his bag from now on. That would demonstrate that you trusted him.  Since he'd zipped up that portion of the bag, it stands to reason that what is in there would still be in there.  Now, if it was just 1 condom in there, you'd have a reason for spiking your blood pressure.  But nothing has changed since the last time you went in that bag. If you think he's lying to you, hire a PI and have him followed so you have proof of what it is you're want to be right about when it comes to him and his alleged past.  As it is, you're just torturing yourself .

Either believe what he says is the truth and let this go or believe him to be a liar--and if that's the case, why stay married to someone you don't trust?  This is what it is turning into.  Initially, going in the bag you had legitimate reasons... now, you're looking for proof to back up you wanting to be right about how you truly feel about his past and past behavior. Otherwise, you would have let this go after talking to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2013
Wed, 04-10-2013 - 12:37pm
Kendahke1, I appreciate your reply but I believe you misunderstood my last post. I only went in the bag ONE time -- the morning I mentioned (for scissors, like I always do). It was then that I discovered 2 condoms and felt shaky and sick as I thought there were 3 in the bag before. I have not gone back into the bag since that morning!