Missing phone calls??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2006
Missing phone calls??
27
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 10:25am
Hi,
I am new to the board and have a small issue with my bf. We have been talking on the phone everyday since we met back in mid January. This past Friday, he didn't call. I called him but he wasn't there. He told me he went out. This was the first time it had happened until last night. It happened again, no call from him. I called him but there was no answer. I went by his house and he was there - lights were on all over his house. He always tells me when he has plans so I am used to knowing where he is and what he's doing and when he's doing it. I do understand that men need their space and I don't want to crowd him. I didn't ask him what happened after the first time. I let him bring it up on his own. Now it has happened again and I'm unsure of how to handle it. Am I taking these two no-calls too seriously? Should I worry about bringing it up this time since it has happened now twice in the same week?


Edited 4/5/2006 10:26 am ET by fashionj2002

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2006
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 3:03pm
I'm insecure because he told me his ex is still after him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 4:13pm

Why does that make you insecure?








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2006
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 10:15pm

No, he has never indicated that he may go back to her. He has mentioned that she still calls and that he wishes she would find someone else so that she'll stop calling. He may be telling me this to steer me the wrong way. They were dating on and off for 11 years, never married, no kids. The "on and off" is what scares me. He says it was just sex but I don't believe it. I mean, 11 years, come on. There had to be some feelings involved. It's been over for about 6 months.

I left a message with my new number. He called right back and said he tried to call last night but didn't get an answer. He also told me what I needed to hear. He told me he heard the phone ring but didn't answer by choice, that he was tired and had things to do. He told me he went to bed at 8:30 but that didn't add up. So I asked if he slept with the lights on because I drove by his house after 9:30 and every light in the house was on. Then he began to stumble saying, "oh, well and I could've sworn".

I know that he wants space now and it kind of hurts, especially since I'm used to talking to him on the phone for hours until bedtime. So if it's space he wants, it's space he'll get. I just have to go back to doing what I did when I was single almost a few months ago, entertaining and taking care of myself. Thanks for all of your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 10:53pm

How long has he been out of that relationship, Fashionj? I hear what you're saying about there having to be feelings involved and I agree to some extent, but it's possible he really is done. We've all seen relationships that wind down, off and on again until there's just nothing left, and we've seen people get back together more because it's what they're used to than because there are huge feelings there. Those aren't the kind of relationships I'd be interested in, personally. I've also had guys confess to sticking around in relationships where there were no feelings, just for the sex; it was easier to stick around for "easy sex" than it would have been to go out and form a new relationship. I guess if I knew my guy had done that I would be a little concerned that if he'd done it once, he could do it again and I wouldn't want to be the one who he was only there for the sex with. My guess is that if the relationship has been off and on for 11 years, she figures they're just on one of their "off" times, she hasn't figured out yet that it's not going to be back "on". It'll probably take a while for her to figure that out and give up.


As far as the phone goes, if he doesn't have caller ID and she continues to call him, isn't it possible that he doesn't pick up because he doesn't want to take the chance that it might be her? I also think the fact that he tells you she keeps calling is a really good sign. If he was considering going back with her I highly doubt he'd bring up her calls, don't you? I'm thinking he'd keep very quiet about her if he was considering going back to her.


I'm glad that you brought up your drive by and the phone issue, and it sounds like at least now you know the score, although he still didn't directly tell you, which personally I hate. For me, I want it told to me directly, straight out. When you have to read between the lines there's plenty of room for misinterpretation, I want to know straight up, I don't want to guess and then hope I guessed right.


I know you'd been for hours talking every night since mid-January, but how often did you date and/or see each other? When you were talking every night was he the one who called you, were you the one who called him or did each of you call randomly? How long has it been since he's called (not counting today) and how long has it been since you've had those hours long phone conversations? Assuming you've been dating too, how long since you've seen each other?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2006
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 10:17am

Their relationship has been off for about 6 months. Oh yeah, I've figured out the score alright. We'd date or see each other at least twice a week but that was before he went back to work. He went back to work about 1 month ago and we still see each other at least twice a week so nothing's changed there. When we were talking every night, he did most of the calling but I would call if I hadn't heard from him by 9 o'clock (probably once a week). Not counting April 11, the last time he called was April 9, which was our last hour long conversation. He always makes it a point to talk to me until 10 o'clock if he has to be at work at 5, 6, or 7 o'clock. I am figuring out that if he has to be at work before those hours or gets off after 7 or 8, he won't call. The last time I saw him was this past Sunday.

I know for sure I won't be asking him over during the week anymore because of his unpredictable work schedule. He'll have to ask me. The last thing I want to do is to smother him. He really is a great guy and we have an awful lot in common, from attending the same high school down to buying the same soap and potato chips. I have made a list of things to do to keep me busy and keep my mind off him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 11:06pm

It sounds like you're pretty solid on how you plan to handle this. Good luck with it, I hope we've helped ~ holler back if more concerns come up!








~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2006
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 9:47am
Thanks for all of your help!!

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