mistrust or intuition

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
mistrust or intuition
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 5:48pm
My husband and I have been together for 8 years. He has accused me of not trusting him many times. I probably do have some trust issues. I was sexually abused as a child and an exotic dancer for 5 years. This is my second marriage. The first one lasted 7 years. He did not cheat on me, but wasn't good at keeping his promises.

The problem is I started feeling like my husband wasn't being truthful. I have caught him red handed in lies and he pretty much says it's my lack of trust that brought it on in the first place. I saw some teen porn( supposedly they were all over 18) in the recycle bin on the computer. I got very angry. He blamed it on his friend who had been visiting, then on the phone I hear him confess to another friend he got busted looking at porn. I put a spy on the computer and tracked his viewing for a couple of weeks. Lots and lots of porn. I didn't let him know until I saw he was looking at a site advertising local escorts. At first he denied it, then confessed to looking at one page out of "curiosity". There were many pages viewed. I told him that I believe people view things on the web that they are interested in, he assured me he wasn't interested in that.

We have not had a good sex life the past few months, not for lack of effort on my part. He says he's losing his libido and his penis is getting smaller. I assured him I hadn't noticed any change in size only in how often. He also gawks at other women when he is with me, even though I have told him how much that hurts me. He says he can't help it when these young girls run around with everything hanging out and that all men look.

I want to try to save this marriage, but the lying makes me wonder about things from the past also. One time after he returned from New York on business he stated his privates were itchy. A few days later, mine were too and I found we had crabs. He swears he must have gotten them from a toilet or the motel bed, I couldn't prove otherwise so I chose to believe him.

I'm so confused now, especially with his ease in lying right to my face.I know I have some trust issues, but my gut is telling me the problem lies deeper than that. I want to make this work, but I don't know how or even where to start
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-18-2003 - 8:53pm
Intuition. Your husband's a big, fat liar and doesn't deserve your trust. Like you said, he lies with ease right to your face. It's typical of deceitful, sneaky people to demand trust from someone when they haven't earned it. I don't see how you can save a marriage to someone of such poor character unless you majorly lower your expectations for him and for the quality of your life. I'm sorry. Maybe someone else has better answers. I wouldn't believe he got crabs from a toilet seat or motel bed - not with his extreme level of interest in other women and his lying, sneaky nature.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 5:39am
Wow, that's rich - it's YOUR lack of trust that's making him lie?! What a crock! Still, he sounds like quite a convincing character if he was able to persuade you that he caught crabs from a towel.

It sounds like all the lies are starting to add up and you know it and though it would be awful to see a second marriage fail, you have to ask yourself whether you love this man enough and believe in your marriage enough to accept and forgive all this lying and cheating.

If you can see yourself forgiving all his transgressions, there is really only one place to go from here - to a marriage counsellor. You've got a lot going on here and need a professional to help work through these very serious problems.

I do wish you all the very best.

Peace & love, Pebbles xox

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 8:28am
I think your intuition is right on the mark. Go with your gut instinct. You know he's up to no good. Now it's just a matter of what you want to do about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Wed, 06-25-2003 - 1:57am
How can you possibly make this work when your husband is a big fat liar?!?!? You know how he gave you an STD, you know his penis can't possibly be getting smaller, you know that he is looking at nude children on the internet, you know he has probably been seeing escorts and having sex with them... He wants to use your own insecurities and issues against you, and that my dear, IS NOT LOVE or someone that you would even want to subject yourself to. I know you have been through a lot in your life, and I also know that you KNOW you can get through this. I just pray and hope that you KNOW you deserve better and have to get away from this lying, filthy, bastard. Don't ever sleep with him again, find out how you are going to get out of this abusive and sick situation, and leave. Have you ever been to counseling for the stuff you have survived? I just ask that because you might be attracting the same kind of men over and over again, and that is something that you probably want to change. You are worth respect, love, admiration, honesty, and loyalty. THis man will never give that to you. Just another STD, and it will probably be much worse than crabs. ((((((hugs)))))))