Mixed emotions
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 07-10-2006 - 10:34am |
New to this board, but not to iVillage. I'm here because I am going through a lot of mixed emotions. A little background...my BF and I have been together for about 6yrs (come October), been living together about 4yrs, we have a 2yo daughter and he has 2 kids from a previous marriage (we get them every other weekend). We got engaged in 2003, but about a month ago we decided not to (we were suppose to get married this September) due to a lot stress physically, emotionally and financially (a mutual decision not just me).
So, now that we are just BF and GF, I have been feeling a little different now. All I want is to spend time with my daughter (long story short: got rear-ended in March this year and have been going to a chiropractor 3 times a week so I don't get to spend a lot of time with her during the week) since I feel I am missing out. I don't feel I need to be in a relationship though I still love him, I don't feel the same as I did in the beginning of our relationship. I don't think it's fair to him since I am not putting 100% into the relationship. Don't get me wrong, he is a good guy and hasn't done anything wrong...it is just me. We haven't been intimate in about 3 or 4 weeks and we are not as close as we once were. I try, but all I can think about is moving out and trying to come up with a way to take care of our daughter. He doesn't know what I'm feeling cuz we don't really talk that much. I think it's only fair that he knows what is going on cuz I don't want to lead him on like this and hurt him. I am assuming he knows and he realizes what is going on with our relationship but just hasn't said anything.
I am not sure what to do, all I do is think about us, me, my daughter and it's distracting me a lot. **And if I did move out, I'm not looking to date or get into a relationship, I just want to find myself again as well as be with my daughter.











Yeah, assuming he is aware of what is going on in your relationship and just hasn't said anything is probably not a good idea. In all likelihood he has NO idea what's going on except what you've told him, that there is a lot of physical and mental stress going on.
You need to talk with your BF. Seriously talk.
Jen
Welcome to the board, Tammieb_007 ~
You've left a lot out of your post. Obviously, there are some big reasons why you don't want to be in this relationship anymore, why you want to move out and be on your own. I hear stress physically, emotionally and financially, and that it's you, not him, but none of that gives us a clue as to what's going on with you or your relationship ~ Since you want to "find yourself again", it seems clear that you feel like you've lost yourself along the way, but again, that's generic and doesn't give us much understanding.
Generally speaking, I'd say if what you want is out, to find yourself, to be on your own, then I'd say you need to do that, and as soon as you can. Living in a situation where you're not happy, not satisfied, feel unsettled is no way to live. But, specifics can change thoughts and suggestions a lot, and very well might recognize issues and answers you hadn't seen.
If you want answers, thoughts and suggestions that are in response to your actual situation we'll need to understand what's going on.
I also agree with Jen, assuming he knows is a dangerous assumption to make, I'd assume he knows nothing unless you've specifically told him. It's more likely that he assumes you need some space and that you'll be back to your old self in no time. What's up Tammie???
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
For your daughter's sake, work this out with your bf. Go to couseling and salvage this relationship so that your daughter can grow up with an intact family. Her needs come first, not yours.
Thank you for your responses and your honesty. I know I left a lot out, but since then things have changed....for the better. I did take into consideration what you all have wrote as well what my mom has told me. She actually put things in perspective: it "is" me (and a little bit him), I always runaway from the problem before seeing if the problem can be fixed and it would be wrong for me to set that kind of example to my daughter. I have been engaged twice before and have been labeled the "runaway bride".
Last week, my BF and I sat down, laid things out on the table on what was going on with me and him and how we can change things around to make us work. He didn't want me to move out and if I did our relationship would be over and deep down I didn't want that. A lot of the issues were financial and how I felt about myself after we decided not to get married (which, by the way, my mom is very upset and disappointed since she loves my BF and considers him a big part of our family). We have been talking each day (trying to better our communication with each other), but know that we just need one day at at time to help our relationship.
Thanks so much for your help...I will be lurking here often as I now have a place to go to help my relationship out.
Thanks for the update, Tammie. It sounds like you recognize you have some patterns and issues to deal with. Have you considered seeing a therapist to help you work through the issues so they no longer create problems for you?
Keep us posted on how things are going, we'll be here for you!
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"