A money problem...
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| Wed, 09-13-2006 - 2:33pm |
Truth be told, I hardly think anyone will want to bother reading this. But, I am in need of some objective advice, so maybe one of you will be good enough to give it a read, and tell me if I’m crazy. I think I may post this in a few areas for different feedback, I hope that's alright to do.
I moved in with my bf last December. He’s 24, I’m 26, my 2nd relationship with a younger man (or boy, depending on your point of view). We had been together for nearly a year, and I was ecstatic. We were going purely on love and excitement and the thrill of having found one another. There was no talk of money or bills or any other such logistics, and they would surely just fall in to place, or so I presumed.
Almost a year later, I sit here confused. Months of him not contributing. Why? Jobs keep falling through. He stars one, and 2 weeks later, they close. He starts another (always quickly)…and it’s just a temporary position.
The most recent situation is the most bizarre. He got a job, had been working for 2 months…3 pay cheques...this is how my thinking had been transformed, sadly. When the time came for the 1st to arrive...his bank strangely withheld it. Weird, indeed. A week later he had an appointment to have it fixed, and they did, it was some vague misunderstanding (as was explained to me), however, that very day his car steering locked, which required a tow and a repaid, and the money was mostly accounted for, apart from about $120, which he quickly handed over.
The next week, pay cheque number 2, no pay arrived. His mom needed it, apparently. Alright, tough to argue with that. I told myself, if the next cheque doesn’t arrive, this is just crazy, and I will call him on it.
And shockingly, it didn’t arrive. He went to work on that day, and apparently the woman who processes pays did not send them to the outside company who does their accounting, so there would be a wait. And...I’m still waiting.
Now, I know, this is all nuts, so allow me to put it in perspective a bit. Apart from this bizarre shady money scenario, he is really wonderful. He’s not mysteriously out in the evenings, he doesn’t come home from ‘work’ smelling of perfume, and he is really, really upset and ashamed over all of this. But, at what point do I call it quits? I have no idea.
On Sunday, I told him flat out, if he can’t contribute, he shouldn’t be living with me. That I love him more than anything, but that money is this evil unavoidable reality that he has to face with me, and if for whatever reason this job of his isn’t bring home money, he should find a new one.
I came home from work yesterday, and he tells me over coffee that he quit his job, and started somewhere new that day...and isn’t that just exactly what I had wanted...baffled? Mhmm, me too.
So, if anyone out there has some kind of clue what to do, I’m all ears. I do love this man, and I do not think there is some grandiose lie going on. I think he’s never really needed to provide for himself, and he’s having a rough time getting into a routine. Do you think I’m crazy...if I wait until his first cheque from this job is due...and if it somehow doesn’t come...then show him the door? I hate the thought of losing love over money....but at some point I must be realistic.
To any of you who made it to the bottom of this unending dramatic monologue, I thank you, and hope you can help in any way.

I just want to make sure I'm understanding this.
Did he live with his parents before moving in with you? Is this the first time he's had to pay $$ towards bills and such?
You've lived with him how long? Has he contributed at all? If so, how far into it did he stop?
Honestly, at this point I'm GUESSING that he's used to just blowing his pay and being taken care of and he doesn't even think when he does it. Then he feels "bad" and creates some story about how he MEANT to have the $$ but now it's not there. And as long as you keep covering for him, he will keep not having the $$. Though my answer may change as I learn more.
Jen
Thank you for your questions, I knew I would forget something.
Yes, he moved in directly from his Mom's. And...just to note...he actually has no money. He's been here for nearly a year, and in that year he hasn't so much as bought a new shirt...he doesn't go out partying or anything remotely like that. When he does get a pay cheque here or there, he will give me what he can from it, but because they are so small, it's no where near the amount he would need to contribute (half of the mortgage and bills is what I'm asking for).
Okay, so he's not using it to buy gadgets. Did he hold a steady job when he lived with him mom? And why is he "needing" to give his mom $$ instead of supporting himself?
Does he have any training/education or is he working at very menial type jobs?
Jen
>>>On Sunday, I told him flat out, if he can’t contribute, he shouldn’t be living with me. <<<
Why are you putting all the responsibility on him?
Thank you for your words. It's amazing the different feedback I am getting, but yours truely sounds the most objective.
I guess it's really hard knowing you want so much with someone, but their dedication just isn't there. He has told me that if I were in the boat he is, he would without question do the same, and that he's humilitaed for being such a failure, etc. But, at what point do you walk away...that's the question.
This is so hard...I have never felt this confused in any relationship befre. Normally, with previous bf's, I know deep down what I want. In this case...I just don't know.
Thanks again, I really do appreciate your advice.
You don't want to be with him as he is today, the whole package.
I would also absolutely agree with Firstamendement, if your standards include "he doesn't cheat" as a reason to stay, I'd say you have some real thinking to do. Most men don't cheat, that should be a given not a standard and not a criteria for staying.
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"