Money problems.....
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Money problems.....
| Tue, 09-26-2006 - 8:17pm |
Hello. I am currently dating the love of my life. We love each other, there is no doubt about that and we both know that we are spending the rest of our lives together. This is also a long distance relationship which will last for another year until he moves out here. We both work for the same company and in very good and demanding fields (both different positions though). We both started the same time, so of course the starting salary is not going to be that high. I am a field engineer and I get more of my expenses paid for. I also started out more than him because I have more degrees. I am 30 and he's 23 so I paid my dues through life and am finally able to buy things without worrying about debt. He's in debt and is broke all of the time. That doesn't bother me at all. However, when we see each other every 3 weeks, it can get expensive. I suggest that we just stay in and I cook dinner to cut down on costs. Every month he still ends up breaking even, not being able to save anything for the future move.
I don't know what else to do. We can't just not see each other, which is what I suggested. He's also been selling his stuff on Ebay too. I suggested that he get a part time job and he was all upset because he doesn't want to work 7 days a week. I am trying to be understanding but how can I do so without starting a fight?
I don't know what else to do. We can't just not see each other, which is what I suggested. He's also been selling his stuff on Ebay too. I suggested that he get a part time job and he was all upset because he doesn't want to work 7 days a week. I am trying to be understanding but how can I do so without starting a fight?

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Well, it sounds like you need to foot the bill for all travel and dating expenses if you want to continue this relationship.
And I'd take a hard look at why he's in debt if you're really considering a life with this guy. Is it because of student loans, etc? Or is he living beyond his means and unwilling to cut back for the time being until his salary increases? Spending and saving habits are an important thing to be in sync about with your SO.
Sheri
He's selling his stuff on Ebay, but eventually, he won't have any more stuff to sell. You suggested not seeing each other, which apparently he didn't like; you suggested a part time job, which he didn't like either; what solutions does he come up with?
From your profile, it sounds like you're a high achiever, is he? Is he upset about his inability to save or is this primarily your concern?
~ cl-2nd_life"Experience is what you get
when you don't get what you want."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi Kitten,
I'm in similar situation, i've been with my boyfriend for almost six years (he is 24 and i'm 23). He is in debt and spends too much money on crap all!
He promised me he would let me help him last year, get his act together and save but yeah that didn't happen until this year i just had enough and gave him an ultimative - either you let me help you with your finances or it's over... i gave him a week to think about it and he decided he wanted me to help him...
Even lastnight we walked thru all his debts and working towards paying everything off, I'll be helping him each fortnight (thats when he gets paid), what to save, what to pay off on bills, debts etc. slowly slowly we'll get there.
I think your bf needs a big push, i'm kinda wishing i put my foot down years ago !!!!!!! Coz in the end you need to look out what's best for you aswell... i mean most of time i was the one who was paying when we went out and he owes me alot of money too so yeah i just thought nup! enough is enough if he is serious about us, he can get his act together!
I had a husband with whom I had to make all the financial decisions and all the bill paying because he "couldn't". He resented me controlling the money and I resented him for not being a partner and I resented him for *forcing* me to handle all the responsibilities.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Hi CL,
Thanks for your post, but there is alittle more to it then what i said in my other post.
He obviously needed the push and he had a choice to accept it or not,(and he choose to accept it) there will be no resentment - because i am not taking control... i'm not taking his cards off him or anything, i'm sitting down with him and we are coming up with a budget and finding the best ways to take care of things wisely. How to pay of his debts etc...
We've already spoken and started to sort things out together. He accepts that he needs help and he is willing to let me help him.
It is a problem, but we are working it through together. I want this issue solved before we get married and hopefully it will be solved by then and i won't be making the financial decisions on my own.. we both will be.
What I don't see in any of these responses is a question about whether or not the disparity in your earnings is the core issue. He's considerably younger than you, and there may be some level of immaturity and assoicated insecurity about the fact that he has no cash and you do. He may be feeling that if he allows you to pay he will be a "kept" man. Your age difference can't help but make this a bigger issue emotionally than it would otherwise be. All of this is something that should be frankly discussed between you, if it has not beem already.
Unfortunately, your age difference and the fact that the relationship is long distance at this time, makes your situation even stickier. I hope you're correct that your love is real, established on a firm basis, and strong enough to make it long term. However, you need to keep in mind that the reality of the present circumstances dosen't bode well for the long term.
A frank discussion might result in a plan for you to shoulder the majority of the expenses - travel, entertainment, etc.- with the understanding that eventually it will all even out (when you think about it, this is really the only viable option. If he takes a second job, you won't be seeing each other much). After all, if you are together for life, your partnership has already begun. This brings with it, however, a much more explicit committment than you may have (you haven't said whether there is a formal engagement, or even a discussion of marriage). So, you need to think about whether either of you is ready for that.
On the other hand, since there are some very real obstacles to the outcome you describe in your post as certain, you should also consider your need to protect yourself both emotionally and financially when deciding the terms of the negotiations.
I know this doesn't sound very romantic, but the reality is that romantic relationships exist in the real world, and in order for them to truly flourish, then need to be grounded in that reality.
LRM
I hope it works out, I really do. But the fact that he had to be forced says he is not a willing participant.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I see what your saying........ but he is not forced, and he doesn't feel forced .. he would of said something, i gave him the choice and he choose to let me help him.. we came to an agreement!! I know if he didn't want this he would of put his own foot down aswell.
When we actually sat down and spoke about his debts and starting to get things under control, he actually saw the problem he was having and he actually thanked me for doing this and for helping him! he couldn't see it b4.
If he's "seen the light" that's great. Hope it continues to work for you.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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