Money problems.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Money problems.....
16
Tue, 09-26-2006 - 8:17pm
Hello. I am currently dating the love of my life. We love each other, there is no doubt about that and we both know that we are spending the rest of our lives together. This is also a long distance relationship which will last for another year until he moves out here. We both work for the same company and in very good and demanding fields (both different positions though). We both started the same time, so of course the starting salary is not going to be that high. I am a field engineer and I get more of my expenses paid for. I also started out more than him because I have more degrees. I am 30 and he's 23 so I paid my dues through life and am finally able to buy things without worrying about debt. He's in debt and is broke all of the time. That doesn't bother me at all. However, when we see each other every 3 weeks, it can get expensive. I suggest that we just stay in and I cook dinner to cut down on costs. Every month he still ends up breaking even, not being able to save anything for the future move.
I don't know what else to do. We can't just not see each other, which is what I suggested. He's also been selling his stuff on Ebay too. I suggested that he get a part time job and he was all upset because he doesn't want to work 7 days a week. I am trying to be understanding but how can I do so without starting a fight?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 5:04am

Sorry it kinda feels that way. And i didn't write my whole life story in that post, i just kept it simple i'm sure if i wrote out everything that has happened within the last 6 years then you would understand where i am coming from and why i made the choice to yes PUSH him to make a decison, I felt i did the right thing, i stood up for myself. Your making me feel as though i've done something wrong.

Again, even if i pushed him to that point or not he still made the choice to let me him help, i know him if he felt FORCED then he would of said NO, instead he AGREED and then we discussed things and he is happy with our agreement!

Anyways lol i'm just repeating the same thing over n over again, so i'll stop now!!!

Have a nice weekend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 10:29am
She's not saying you did something wrong--there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting financial stability--she's just saying that he is probably not as invested in the budgeting process as you are, and it's likely to get old for him really soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 12:35pm

Hi Mzialiana;


I agree with CL-2ndlife....the fact that you had to issue an ultimatum for him to accept your help is not a good indicator.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 5:25pm

Hi George,

Thanks for your post, also to CL-2ndlife and Geoteo!

I understand now what they are talking about. He does have an issue with me already treating him like a child, even WAY before this money issue has come up.

So I should make sure he feels as though he is in control, and i'm just there to help him. I guess i shouldn't then tell him if he wants to buy something he has to run it by me first lol...... that's alittle bit TOO controlling?? I will cut that out!!!

What do you think is the best way for me to handle this from this point on?

Thank you :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 5:32am
You should handle it from this point on just like you've indicated -- but don't make him *feel* like he's in control and that you're only there to help, he needs to be in control and you need to only be there to help. You're there to help him with the mechanics of the budgeting, not telling him what to do and holding him accountable.


You're right, him wanting to buy something but running it by you is controlling, it's exactly what Orangecuse was referring to in a Mother-Child dynamic. Like he said, "You should focus on helping him with the mechanics of the budgeting....not on telling him what to do and holding him accountable. IMO who does the accountability piece of this is gonna tell you whether it will work or not. If he feels accountable to himself....good....if he feels accountable to you....then you are gonna have a problem longer term and I can pretty much guarantee it will get worse and not better after you are married."







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 6:05am

Thanks !! you guys are totally right, he needs to be in control and i JUST need to be the one helping... I need to learn to back off. He already had the whole ' i treat him like a child ' in his mind and this will def make it worse... so i need to learn to do things right.

Thanks for your advice. I will keep u guys updated.

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